7 things you must not say to your husband

One of the best parts about marriage is being so comfortable with your hubby that you can say just about anything to him. But if you don't watch your mouth, sometimes the ugly truth comes out in hurtful—not helpful––ways. Though you may have legitimate concerns to express or issues to bring up, doing so in a harsh manner can be damaging in the long term, to both your husband's feelings and your relationship.


1. "Yes, I had an orgasm." (when you didn't)

Lying is never a great idea, especially when it comes to sexual intimacy.The definition of intimacy is letting another person see your vulnerabilities, and that includes admitting that your sex life might need some S.O.S. When you pretend you're enjoying sex with your husband, you may think that you're sparing his feelings, but you're actually pushing him away by not being honest. And chances are, you aren't fooling him: The very fact that he's asking usually means he suspects that something is up.

 2. "You're just like your father.
This is just a no-no.It's nasty and belittling, and it gets at his fear that he may be exhibiting the worst traits of his family.If you're about to spout a criticism like this, stop and think about what's behind it: Maybe your father-in-law is the kind of guy who never cleans up after himself, and your husband's habit of leaving dirty dishes around the house is getting to you. You should skip the insult and get right to a reasonable request, such as: "Hon, when you're done with your sandwich, can you bring your dish over to the sink?" That way, you can achieve your goals without hurting him in the process.

 3. "When are you going to find a new job?" First, figure out why you want him to find a new job so badly. Do you dislike how much time he spends away from home? Do you think he can or should be further ahead career-wise? Is he not bringing home a healthy-enough salary? Before you say anything that could be hurtful to him, think about what your own issues are,Be particularly careful that you're not attacking his ability to support you and the kids: Part of how a man evaluates himself is by how well he can take care of his family,so insulting him in this sensitive area can be a serious blow. To avoid this, have regular talks about both of your jobs, career ambitions and budget concerns.

 4. "My mother warned me you'd do this!"

Something must have seriously infuriated you, because what you're doing here is letting him know that there are other MEN in your camp.You are trying to validate your 'side' of an argument, as though you're marshalling an army to your side,But that's never a good idea because it's telling him that you're not on his side, or on the side of your relationship. Though you should never let the opinions of others' dictate your relationship, if there is some kernel of truth to a concern that your mother raised, think about how to address that.

 5. "Just leave it––I'll do it myself!

This is hurtful in two ways. First, it gets at your husband's elemental need to be a provider, supporter and capable person in the house. Second, it's just plain demeaning for any adult to hear that his efforts are sub-par. Do this too often and your husband might think, "I can never do anything right or anything that'll please her".A better choice is to pick your battles. If he's in the middle of a task and you think that he's doing it wrong, evaluate whether it really matters, keeping in mind that, just because he's doing something differently than you would doesn't mean that he's doing it wrong—he is, after all, an adult too.

 6. "You always... " or "You never... "

These are two phrases I advise couples never to use,because they set up an instant, negative tone; they halt communication and they put the other person on the defensive.These blanket statements can make your husband feel unfairly attacked, and chances are he'll just fire back with all the times he did help. If there are legitimate problems you'd like to address (he really does tend to leave his tools all over the garage floor or often forgets to put gas in the car after driving it), avoid generalizing and try to focus on the issue at hand while also communicating how his actions make you feel: "When you come home with an empty tank of gas, I feel like you don't care about the next person who has to drive the car—which is usually me." Then add the phrase "would you be willing...,""Would you be willing to fill up the car when it gets below a quarter tank?" Most men are willing to do most anything that'll make you happy

 

 7. "Please watch the kids. But don't do this, take them here or forget that..."

This is a classic nervous-new-mom move: When you're in anxiety mode, it can be hard to let go of childcare tasks (even though you would love to have more help). It's also an attitude that can become a habit no matter how long you've been a mom, leading to some very unhealthy feelings: You may become resentful because he doesn't pitch in, but you don't always give him room to, either. At the end of the day, no husband is going to be inspired to be a better, more hands-on and involved dad if his every effort is shot down.

Written by Denise Schipani