How do you as a mother raise your girl to become a real woman and what does that mean?
Powerful girls grow up as a real woman feeling secure in themselves. They learn to
take action, making positive choices about their own lives and doing
positive things for others. They think critically about the world around
them. They express their feelings and acknowledge the feelings and
thoughts of others in caring ways. Powerful girls feel good about
themselves and grow up with a “can-do” attitude. Of course, strong girls
may (like all of us) have times of insecurity and self-doubt, but these
feelings aren’t paralyzing because the girls have learned to work
through their problems. Powerful girls will grow up to lead full,
valuable lives.
Here are some of our experts’ ideas to help you raise powerful daughters.
Encourage your daughter to pursue a passion.
“Full engagement with an activity she loves will give her the
opportunity to master challenges, which will boost her self-esteem and
resilience and affirm intrinsic values rather than appearance,” says
Rachel Simmons, author of
Odd Girl Out. “Having a passion lets her go shoot baskets or play an instrument, for example, instead of being swept up in online drama.”
Let her have a voice in making decisions.
“Whenever possible, let her make constructive choices about her life.
Let her choose her own clothes, within appropriate limits. Give her a
voice in what after-school activities she participates in and how many
she wants to do (as long as it works for the rest of the family, too).
Remember that knowing what she cares about most will come from trying
some things and finding she doesn’t like them, as well as from finding
things she loves to do,” recommends Jane Katch, Ed.D., author of
They Don’t Like Me.
“Your
daughter might need to make a commitment for a short time for an
activity (one soccer season) but when that’s over, it’s okay to try
something different!”
Identify the values most important to your family.
“Consider the ways you convey these values, especially by example. What
are the moments in your daily life when you can model the values you
want your daughter to learn?” asks Simmons. “What traits and strengths
do you want your daughter to develop as she grows?” asks Meg White, M.A.
“See if these qualities are reflected in how you parent.”
Encourage her to solve issues on her own rather than fixing things for her.
“When parents take over, girls don’t develop the coping skills they need
to handle situations on their own. Ask your daughter to consider three
strategies she might use to deal with a situation, and then ask her
about the possible outcomes. Let her decide what she wants to do (within
reason). Even if you disagree with her choice, you give your daughter a
sense of control over her life and show her that she is responsible for
her decisions,” says Simmons.
Encourage her to take physical risks.
“Girls who avoid risks have poorer self-esteem than girls who can and do face challenges,” says JoAnn Deak, Ph.D., author of
Girls Will Be Girls.
“Urge your daughter to go beyond her comfort zone — for example,
encourage a girl who’s scared to ride her bike downhill to find just a
small hill to conquer first.” Catherine Steiner-Adair, Ed.D., co-author
of
Full of Ourselves: A Wellness Program to Advance Girl Power, Health and Leadership,
agrees. “It’s important to help even non-athletic girls develop some
physical competence and confidence when they’re young. Whether it’s
through team or individual sports, girls need to form a physical
relationship with their body that builds confidence.”
Get girls working together.
“Girls who work cooperatively in school or who problem-solve together do
much better in taking large risks or facing challenges. These girls
report an incredible sense of accomplishment and feeling of competence,
both of which give a huge boost to self-esteem,” says Deak. “Encourage
your daughter to participate in team-building activities or join
organizations that rely on teamwork.”
Let your daughter know you love her because of who she is, not because of what she weighs or how she looks.
“Encourage your girl to eat in healthy ways, but don’t over-obsess over
what she eats. Listen to her opinions (about food, and other things) and
show appreciation for her uniqueness, to help her develop herself into
the person she wants to be,” says Steiner-Adair. “Comment on the way she
carries herself into a room or the ideas she is expressing before
commenting on her looks. She needs you to know her insides and validate
the developing person within, as well as noticing her emerging young
womanhood,” adds White.
Allow her to disagree with you and get angry.
“Raising a powerful girl means living with one. She must be able to
stand up to you and be heard, so she can learn to do the same with
classmates, teachers, a boyfriend, or future bosses,” says White. Lyn
Mikel Brown, Ed.D., and Sharon Lamb, Ed.D., co-authors of
Packaging Girlhood, write,
“Girls need guidance about how to stay clear in their disagreements,
and they need support for not giving up their convictions to maintain a
false harmony. Help girls to make considered choices about how to
express their feelings, and to whom.” Steiner-Adair notes that “Not all
girls will want to do this, especially shy girls, but you can still help
them develop the skills.”
Address girl fighting when you see it.
“Talk with girls about relational violence (such as gossip,
rumor-spreading and exclusion) as well as physical violence (hitting or
fighting). But don’t assume all girls are mean, and avoid saying ‘girls
will be girls’ when you witness girls engaging in exclusive cliques and
clubs. Instead, affirm girls’ relational strengths and sense of
fairness, help them identify and hold on to their strong feelings, like
anger, and encourage them to practice more direct, positive ways to
effect change in their relationships,” says Brown.
Make regular time to listen to your girl.
“By creating consistent, predictable times when she knows that you are
receptive and available to listen — like riding in a car, taking a walk,
or just sitting reading — you will eventually be let into her inner
world. Let her use you as a sounding board to sort out what she is going
through, without solving problems for her. The answers that come from
within her are the ones she will eventually live by,” says White.
Listen more than you talk.
“When we talk to girls, they often experience it as us talking at them,
and they not only stop listening, they stop thinking and reflecting. But
when we listen to them, they have to think about what they are saying,
and they tend to reflect more. And we need to keep an open dialogue — we
can’t dismiss their chatter about ups and downs of friendship as
trivial, and then expect them to talk to us about the important stuff,”
says Lawrence Cohen, Ph.D., co-author of
Mom, They’re Teasing Me.
Limit your daughter’s exposure to the media and popular culture when she is young.
“This will give her more time to develop her own ideas, creativity, and
imagination from her direct first-hand experience. As she grows, media
messages will start to get in, so having rules and routines from the
start can help your daughter control her own experiences as she gets
older,” says Diane Levin, Ph.D, author of
So Sexy So Soon.
Help her process the messages in the media.
“Help her avoid the narrow focus on appearance and consumerism that
often dominates the media. By helping your daughter process the messages
she sees on the screen and develop her own ideas about them, you can
prepare her to better resist the media’s pervasive stereotypes,” says
Levin. “Help her notice the bigger picture — for example, how looking
like her latest teen idol can be fun but also connects her with a lot of
other stuff she might not have noticed or thought about. Wonder aloud
about more general patterns you see, like how all those little purses
hanging from everything might make it seem that all girls, even
three-year-olds, are into shopping,” add Brown and Lamb.
Talk with her about the differences between sex in the movies and loving relationships in real life.
“It’s important to talk with your daughter about sex and sexuality in
ways appropriate to her age and your values,” says Levin. “As she gets
older it becomes increasingly important to help your daughter understand
the difference between sexualized images in the media and healthy
sexuality. Through give-and-take discussion, you can help her begin to
understand the difference between the media’s presentation of sex and
sexiness. You can talk about how sex is frequently portrayed without
love, intimacy or emotion, or as part of caring relationships. When your
daughter is old enough, you can begin to discuss what a mature,
healthy, loving relationship — in which sex is a part — is all about.”
Acknowledge her struggles but keep a sense of perspective.
“We have to acknowledge the pain our daughters are experiencing, so they
feel heard and accepted and empathized with. But we also need to put it
into perspective, to stay calm and listen to what they are experiencing
without projecting our own experiences onto theirs. Your daughter is
having a different experience than you did, even if there are surface
similarities,” says Cohen. “After all, she has something you didn’t
have: you.”
Enjoy her!
“Having a powerful girl can be exciting and energizing. Find activities
you both enjoy and do them regularly together. Maybe you both like
cooking or having breakfast together, hiking or reading books,” says
Katch. “Try to keep this connection as she gets older — if times ever
get tough, you’ll appreciate this special bond you share!”
Source :www.pbs.org
