Men: Intimacy Begins with Good Listening

                             

Marital intimacy is about much more than sex. I have already written about five ways we connect with our spouse, each requiring consistent attention and intentionality.

The kind of intimacy that typically helps women feel most connected to their husband is emotional intimacy. When you combine the words “emotional” and “intimacy,” men typically have ideas about what each word means separately, but have a harder time putting them together.

Emotional intimacy is about sharing ourselves. It’s the feeling of being known. The idea of being known is one of the most common euphemisms for physical intimacy in Scripture (e.g. Genesis 4:1), in part, because the concepts are so interconnected. And yet to “know” someone is not simply a euphemism, for God says to his people through his prophet, “you only have I known of all the families of the earth” (Amos 3:2). Obviously, this cannot mean physical intimacy. Instead, it means experiential knowledge of a whole person — heart, head and soul.

“Being a good listener means listening with someone else’s interests in mind, not our own.” Tweet Share on Facebook

Sometimes knowing someone at this level means simply being there with them in an important moment. It means laughing together at life’s oddities, and crying together at life’s cruelties, and being anxious together in life’s mysteries. This kind of intimacy happens freely and easily when a relationship first starts. But as time goes on, and familiarity sets in, the desire that once nearly consumed us begins to wane. It no longer just happens anymore. Being truly and deeply known takes hard work.

Emotional intimacy goes through a transition from those intense and consistent experiences of finding out all kinds of new things about your spouse to the more subtle ebbs and flows of normal day-to-day life. How is emotional intimacy sustained and kindled? Good communication. More importantly, good listening. Quality listening leads to quality knowing. Intimacy in marriage lies on the other side of familiar verses like James 1:19 and Proverbs 18:13.

What Does It Mean to Listen?

So, what does “quality listening” even mean? First, it means undistracted listening. We often “listen” with our phones in our hands, or with the television on, or while trying to knock out another task on our to-do list. We may be the world’s best multitasker, but to the speaker we are communicating, “These other activities are more important than you.” Put it down, turn it off, set it aside for a minute. And if you can’t because something requires your attention immediately, ask your spouse if it is okay to talk later, when you can be more attentive.

Second, good listening means listening for the sake of understanding, and not fixing. Men, in particular, stumble at this point. The primary task of listening is to understand someone else, to know what it is like to be them, and to experience what they have experienced. Often, when we hear someone speak, we are simply waiting to reply. Sometimes, we are just trying to be helpful. Other times, we are looking for a quick fix-it so that they will move on. Often, we are just trying to defend ourselves. Whatever the case, we are less concerned in understanding our spouses than we are in trying to find some resolution.

Being a good listener means listening with someone else’s interests in mind, not our own.

Two Opportunities to Listen Well

“Does your spouse feel received, understood, and valued?” Tweet Share on Facebook

While good listening isn’t always required (sometimes simple answers or courtesies are all that love requires), there are two specific contexts in which it is especially valuable. The first one comes when your spouse wants to tell you about something that interests them. Every conversation like this is a bid for connection. They want to be known! That is emotional intimacy.

Your spouse could be talking about an annoyance at work, or a difficulty with a friend, or any number of things that are important to them. Listening well to them about these issues, whether positive or negative, builds trust into your relationship. Your spouse walks away from the interaction knowing you genuinely care about what is important to them. That trust cultivates connectivity and intimacy.

The second major opportunity for good listening comes in some sort of personal conflict. Good listening in this setting is doubly difficult because not only do you have to resist the temptation to fix the issue, you also have to resist the temptation to defend yourself. You are not a doormat. Truth must be had. If there is an accusation that needs to be defended against, there will be time for that. But first there must be active, quality listening. Good listening in the midst of conflict decreases the amount of distrust in the relationship.

Most people believe that trust and mistrust are the opposite poles of the same spectrum, but actually they are two completely separate spectrums. Both trust and mistrust can each be high (typical of a new relationship), or low (typical of an acquaintance), or somewhere in the middle. We want high trust with low mistrust; this is the best setting for intense emotional intimacy.

One Test for Good Listening

How do you know when you’ve been a good listener? When your spouse can say yes to the following question: Do you feel received, understood, and valued?

“Good listening in the midst of conflict decreases the amount of distrust in the relationship.” Tweet Share on Facebook

Received means that we weren’t distracted or defending, but that we genuinely engage in the process of listening. Understood means that we weren’t adding to or overly interpreting, but that we genuinely understand the core of what they are trying to tell us. Valued means that we weren’t dismissive or demeaning, but that we genuinely care about whatever their particular concern may be.

Sharing experiences together and being a quality listener takes time and devotion. The dividends it pays in our relationships, however, make it one of the most rewarding investments one can make in a marriage, leading to a greater sense of joy, contentment, and security for both spouses. More importantly though, it’s something God calls us to as a witness to his listening love for us.

Written by Josh Squires

Josh Squires (@jsquires12) has degrees in counseling and divinity. He currently serves as the pastor of counseling and congregational care at First Presbyterian Church in Columbia, South Carolina, where he lives with his wife Melanie and their five children.

FATHERS:You Will Always Be Your Daughter's First Love

                  

As a father, you need to love her not only when she is your sweet, affectionate girl, but also when she’s a real pain in the neck.

"If human love does not carry a man beyond himself, it is not love. If love is always discreet, always wise, always sensible and calculating, never carried beyond itself, it is not love at all. It may be affection, it may be warmth of feeling, but it has not the true nature of love in it."

So spoke the great teacher Oswald Chambers at the turn of the twentieth century. Love, he taught, is a passionate feeling that needs to suffuse our relationships with others. It can't be calculated, it can't be turned on and off, and it has to be ever-present in your relationship with your daughter.

But as a dad, you know love also requires work and recruitment of the will. If it is to survive, it has to live in the real world. Real love is gritty. It sweats and waits, it causes you to hold your tongue when you want to scream obscenities in anger, and it causes many men to accomplish extraordinary feats.

As natural as the love you feel toward your daughter might me, there will be challenges to that love, from crying squalls when she's a baby, to kindergarten tantrums, to other stresses of growing up that might show themselves in disrupted sleep patterns, moodiness, or ugly language. Your daughter, whatever her age, responds differently to stress than you do. If you're upset, you might watch a football game, go for a jog, or go fishing. Not her. She wants to spill her tensions on you. It makes her feel better. So be ready—and don't be surprised if she does this from an early age.

It's inevitable, too, that your daughter will go through stages. She'll draw close to you, then she'll pull away. She'll adore you, then she'll want nothing to do with you. You need to love her not only when she is your sweet, affectionate girl, but also when she's a real pain in the neck to be around. When she's moody, you still need to communicate with her—and you need to keep yourself from exploding when she's disagreeable.

Always come back

How do you do that? Discipline. Grit. Will.

If you need to distance yourself emotionally for a time, do it. If you need physical separation for a bit, okay. But always come back. Will, patience, calm, and persistence will pay off in your relationship with her. Nothing better expresses serious love than this combination of qualities.

Let her know that nothing she can do, even running away, getting pregnant, tattooing her ankle, or piercing her tongue, can make you stop loving her. Say that if you need to.

Love, as Chambers said, must push us beyond ourselves. It will jab every sensitive part of you and turn you inside out. Having kids is terrifying because parenting is like walking around with your heart outside your chest. It goes to school and gets made fun of. It jumps into cars that go too fast. It breaks and bleeds.

But love is voluntary. Your daughter cannot make you love her or think she is wonderful. She would do that if she could, but she can't. How you love her, and when you show it, is within your control.

Most parents pull away from their teenage daughters, assuming they need more space and freedom. Actually, your teenage daughters need you more than ever. So stick with her. If you don't, she'll wonder why you left her.

A story of one father

When Allison started seventh grade, she changed schools. Her father had recently moved and Allison hated the move. When she got to her new school, she found a few classmates who shared her sour outlook on life. One kid's father drank too much, another's mother had moved away.

She and her friends got into a lot of trouble drinking and smoking dope. After several months of counseling and hard work, Allison's parents decided she needed to receive treatment at a residential home for girls. She was furious. She began lying to her parents and stealing. This was particularly tough on her father, who was a new yet highly respected businessman in the community.

He told me he felt terribly guilty for moving his family and wondered out loud how he had failed Allison.

The weekend before she was to be admitted to the program, John did something brilliant. Painful, but brilliant. He told Allison that the two of them were going camping on an island with very few other people. I'm sure that this wasn't exactly fun to think about for either of them, but he took charge. Miraculously, Allison packed her own things (John was expecting that he would have to). She even put her gear in the car, and off they went.

Neither spoke during the almost four hours in the car. They ferried to the island and set up camp. Over the weekend they talked only occasionally. They went for hikes, made pancakes, and read books. (I'll bet John chose an island because he knew she couldn't run away.) No earth-shattering conversations occurred between them. As a matter of fact, John said he didn't even approach the subject of her bad behavior or the treatment program. They just camped.

After they returned home, Allison left for an eight-month stay at the nearby residential home. She improved, her depression lifted, and eventually she pulled her life back together. Nevertheless, her early high school years were tumultuous, and John's relationship with his daughter remained strained.

But by the time she turned 18, their relationship had turned around. And by the time she graduated from college, he said, his friends were envious of his relationship with Allison.

When she was in her early 20s, Allison talked to her father about those difficult years. She felt guilty for causing her parents so much hurt. She told them she was sorry and that she couldn't believe they had put up with her.

I asked her what had made the difference in her life. Without hesitation, she told me it was the camping trip with her dad.

"I realized that weekend that he was unshakeable. Sure, he was upset, but I saw that no matter what I did I could never push him out of my life. You can't believe how good that made me feel. Of course, I didn't want him to know that then. But that was it—the camping trip. I really think it saved my life. I was on a fast track to self-destruction."

You will always be your daughter's first love. What a great privilege—and opportunity to be a hero—that is.

Written by Dr. Meg Meeker

Pediatrician, mother and best-selling author of six books, Dr. Meg Meeker is the country’s leading authority on parenting, teens and children’s health.

Dr. Meg writes with the know-how of a pediatrician and the big heart of a mother because she has spent the last 25 years practicing pediatric and adolescent medicine while also helping parents and teens to communicate more deeply about difficult topics such as sex, STDs and teen pregnancy. Her work with countless families over the years served as the inspiration behind her new groundbreaking book, The Ten Habits of Happy Mothers, Reclaiming Our Passion, Purpose and Sanity out from Ballantine Books.

MEN:How to become better looking at Old age

                                              

In many ways, getting older is great: you’re smarter (neuroscientists say the brain doesn’t fully develop until as late as your thirties), wiser (having learnt from all those mistakes you made earlier in life) and, unless you’re doing it wrong, probably a lot richer too.

What’s not so great about ageing though is how everything, physiologically speaking – from your brows to your balls – takes a violent nosedive.

Luckily, there are ways to take the edge off the ageing process. From what to have for dinner to how to style your hair, here’s our guide to getting better-looking as you age. Benjamin Button would be proud.

What To Do In Your Twenties

Develop Good Habits

No amount of exorbitantly priced anti-ageing ‘miracle’ moisturiser is going to right years of grooming wrongs. So start, no later than your early twenties, with a solid grooming regimen that helps lay the foundations for a lifetime of good looks.

“Use a gentle exfoliating face wash to remove dead skin cells and reveal brighter skin beneath, then follow up with a good anti-ageing moisturiser and eye cream,” says Chris Beastall, grooming editor at the online title Ape to Gentleman. “Also, if you spend a good deal of time outside – even on cloudy days – it’s worth using an SPF moisturiser as exposure to the sun is one of the major causes of premature ageing of the skin.”

Since you probably don’t want to spend most of what are supposedly the best years of your life slapping an entire chemists’ worth of ointments onto your face every morning, look for an all-rounder. Neutrogena’s Men Age Fighter, for example, combines the skin-tightening, wrinkle-smoothing and pigmentation-erasing benefits of retinol with SPF 15 for sun protection.

For your eyes – where the most noticeable signs of ageing appear – you’ll need to use something site-specific (fending off crow’s feet isn’t always a cakewalk, y’know?). Try Clinique For Men’s Anti-Age Eye Cream, a hydrating and brightening combination of lipids (to help reduce dark circles and puffiness) and antioxidants including vitamin C, E and green tea extract, which help form a barrier against everyday environmental damage.

…And Ditch Bad Ones

Key to holding onto your handsomeness is a holistic approach; while a carefully considered grooming regimen will keep the surface of your skin in good nick, what you put into your body is just as important as what you put on it.

“Smoking and eating [large amounts of] burnt or barbequed food both create free radicals which actively speed up the ageing process, so it’s best to kick those habits,” says celebrity skin therapist Louise Thomas-Minns.

Feasting on greens is equally important. “Broccoli, rocket and spinach can be really effective in boosting levels of collagen, which helps maintain skin firmness and keep wrinkles at bay,” adds Thomas-Minns, who suggests aiming for one to two servings daily.

Also, don’t forget to drink from the fountain of youth – keeping your water intake up (around two litres per day) ensures skin stays hydrated, so you appear fresher, healthier and younger.

What To Do Later In Life

Despite some marginal praise for the wibbling, wobbling ‘dad bod’ in recent years, we still find ourselves entrenched in a culture that’s youth-obsessed. Getting on? Then get a load of these face-saving tips.

Make Over Your Mop

Well, maybe not so much a mop as whatever you’ve got left. By the time they hit 40, most men will have started to bald, grey or at the very least recede, which means the days of lobbing some Brylcreem on top of your head and hoping for the best are over.

If you’ve still got the bulk of your barnet, but you’ve receded quite a bit, consider a Caesar cut, says Aveda’s master barber, Stelios Nicolaou. “A short, horizontally layered cut, the Caesar is a great option for men in their forties as it’s versatile, easy to maintain and particularly good at covering up a receding hairline.”

Going grey? Choose from two options: own it; or, if you just don’t yet see yourself as the silvery breed of fox, turn your salt into pepper with a subtle dye job. Whatever you do, stop with the dye jobs once you’ve reached your mid-to-late forties; by that stage, it can only look as fake as John Travolta’s face.

If, however, your genetics have seen to it that you’ve got little to nothing left, learn how to make the best of bald by keeping the skin in top condition and ensuring the look fits in with the rest of your style.

KEY PRODUCTS

Trim Hair Where You Didn’t Have It Before

Nothing says I’m too old to give a shit like tufts of hair spilling out of your nose and ears. Pretty gross, right?

“Dedicate five minutes a week to taking care of ear and nose hair,” says Beastall, who suggests using blunt-ended scissors or a specialist trimmer (such as Panasonic’s ER-GN30, which vacuums up hair as it trims) to stall the growth of age-revealing strays.

Written by Cillian O'Connor

Cillian O'Connor is a freelance writer, editor and consultant, best known for his ability to sort the wheat from the chaff in the world’s of men's style, grooming, lifestyle and design.

Feed Your Eyesight

                                             

Eyesight is one of the things that is often taken for granted by most people, until it is too late. Just like other body parts like the heart and the stomach, the eyes also deserve proper care and nutrition. Millions of people around the world suffer from various eye disorders like cataracts (blurred vision, due to the eye lens becoming progressively opaque), and macular degeneration (a deterioration of the macula, the small central portion of the retina). Diet plays an important role in every cell in your body and eye cells are no different. A nutrient-poor diet may lead to eye problems later in life, as well as other complications. It is thus essential to eat the right foods in order to ensure the eyes are protected from damage, and vision loss through age.

Nutrients for eye health

Your eyes require specific nutrients to keep them in top condition, and to prevent eye disorders. Antioxidants are usually part of the group of nutrients that maintain the eyes, because they prevent toxic molecules called free-radicals from damaging the delicate tissues of the eye.

Here Are The Top Nutrients Essential For Eye Health:

1. Vitamin A

Also known as retinol in its active form, vitamin A is important in maintaining eye health. It helps the body produce the eye pigment retinoid, which play a significant role in the vision mechanism. Specifically, vitamin A maintains good vision in dim light. A deficiency in vitamin A leads to a condition called night blindness, which renders the affected person unable to see clearly in dimly lit areas.1

Vitamin A can be found in a variety of food sources. It is particularly high in colored (yellow, orange, and green) fruits and vegetables like squash, carrot, cantaloupe, sweet potato, spinach, broccoli, and other dark green leafy vegetables.

Processed foods are often fortified with vitamin A to ensure that the consumer gets the recommended daily intake of 700 mcg (adult females) and 900 mcg (adult males), although this form of vitamin A is almost always synthetic (retinyl palmitate or retinyl acetate).

2. Vitamin C

Another antioxidant that is important to eye health is vitamin C or ascorbic acid. As an antioxidant, its main function is to prevent free radicals from damaging body tissues. In fact, researchers from the Department of Ophthalmology, at the University of Medical Sciences in Zabjan, Iran, discovered that plasma vitamin C levels is lower in those suffering from cataracts, as opposed to normal individuals.2

The most common sources of vitamin C are citrus fruits like oranges, lemons, and grapefruit. Non-citrus sources include papaya, strawberries, broccoli, tomatoes, and peppers (green and red). One can also find vitamin C-fortified products in the supermarket like bottled fruit juices.

3. Lutein and Zeaxanthin

Lutein and zeaxanthin belong to a group of molecules called carotenoids. They comprise the majority of the carotenoids found in the human eye. Like vitamins A and C, they function as antioxidants and protect the eye by filtering harmful light and preventing glare. A recent study appearing in the journal Ophthalmology, indicated that people with the highest intakes of lutein and zeaxanthin, can experience a 20 percent reduced risk of early age related macular degeneration.3

These nutrients are not hard to obtain, as they are found in a variety of foods. A study in 1998 by researchers from the Department of Ophthalmology and Visual Sciences, concluded that corn and egg yolk contain the highest percentage of lutein and zeaxanthin, followed by kiwi, grapes, zucchini, orange juice, and spinach.4 The study further recommends that, in order to increase lutein and zeaxanthin levels, colorful fruits and vegetables should be incorporated into one’s diet.

4. Zinc

Zinc is a trace element that plays an important role in many body processes. In the eye, zinc works together with vitamin A to produce a substance called melanin that helps protect the eye from damage.5 High levels of zinc are found in the macula of the eye. Deficiency in zinc has been linked to an increased risk of developing macular degeneration,6 which can be easily prevented through proper nutrition. The recommended daily intake for zinc is 11 milligrams for adult males and 8 milligrams for adult females.

Foods that are rich in zinc include oysters, pork, beef, dairy products like milk and yogurt, whole grains, chickpeas, and lobster. Zinc-fortified foods are also available in the typical supermarket aisle.

5. Omega-3 fatty acids

Also known as the “good fats,” omega-3 fatty (DHA and EPA) acids maintain the fluidity and structural integrity of body cells and tissues, and have anti-inflammatory properties. They are also important in proper visual development in infants. In adults, omega-3 fatty acids are important in preventing macular degeneration and subsequent vision loss.7

The best dietary sources of omega-3 fatty acids are coldwater fish like salmon and mackerel. Tuna is also a good source of omega-3 fatty acids. For vegetarians, algae, flaxseed, hempseed and their oils are the best sources.

6. Vitamin E

Vitamin E is a fat-soluble antioxidant that protects cells and tissues from oxidative damage. While more research needs to be done on its importance to eye health, initial studies suggest that vitamin E works together with lutein and zeaxanthin to prevent cataract formation. The American Optometric Association recommends a daily intake of 400 IU of vitamin E to maintain good eye health.

Dietary sources of vitamin E include sunflower seeds, almonds, wheat germ, vegetable oils, and avocados.

Written by Brad King 

 Brad King is a highly sought after authority on nutrition, obesity, longevity and one’s health and he has been touted as one of the most influential health mentors of our time.

He is an award winning nutritional formulator and was honored with the Best in Canada Award for Health Motivator/Educator and Public Speaker in 2010, was inducted into the Canadian Sports Nutrition Hall of Fame in 2003 and sits on the board of Directors for CHI the premiere sports nutrition education center.

THE CHURCH DOES NOT NEED BLOOD MONEY

                                 

2kings 5, Act 8 18-19

A lot of money has pass through the church expecially those MEGA CHURCH WITH MANY BRANCHES.....if such is allowed consciously it will pollute the church and the ministers

Example of blood money...........

Ritual money

Stolen government fund

Stolen pensioner money

Unpaid staff salaries or benefit

Harlot money

Beer money

Cigrate money

Fraussters loots, like yahoo yaho or

FACTS......

IF your church allows them the altar will be polluted

If the church allow them the curse of those who are crying will come upon the church

If the church use it to buy instrument ..then the worship becomes unholy

If you used it to buy chairs then it becomes stolen chairs

If you use the money to build for GOD SATAN WILL LAY HOLD ON THE CHURCH BECAUSE HE IS A THIEF.

WHAT PASTORS SHOULD DO.......

Interview any giver of unusual amount

Listen to the voice of God and discern

Don't preach messages that will attract this kind of people

Return any money the giver can not explain

If you have a large crowd ...announce openly that your church will not take money from harlot and yahoo yahoo boys

IF YOU ARE A GENUINE CHRISTIAN, DONT REMOVE THIS link when you share or copy to whatapp or Facebook .don't be a stumbling block to those who will need to ask me questions.........be a rapturable Christian.

Written by Michael Bamgboluwaga

facebook.com/michael.bamgboluwaga

Post-Christian Cultural Lies about Praying.

                                     

If you have ever believed the following method about praying, you are one of the victims of what a friend of mine would call a 'post-christian culture'. 

That is, praying involves the following order;

* Worship & then Praise/Thanksgiving. This is a 'must' starter.

* Seek Forgiveness & Redemption.

* Make Intercessions and Supplications.

* And then make Personal Petitions. These are your personal complaints/wish list/rants.

If you grew up in any Orthodox, Pentecostal or Charismatic church setting, the foregoing was your praying pattern. They were ingrained into us by the institutional church; by tradition. Personally, I grew up in a home where my mother held that pattern to be sacrosanct.

How dare you approach God in prayer without FIRST saying "Thank you"? That "thank you" is your get in card. More like your 'password' into God's presence.

How dare you approach God in prayer without washing your filth with calls for mercy for sins, either of omission or commission? After all, you are a filthy soul before a holy God, and your access code will be denied unless God is satisfied that you won't suffocate Him with your stench. Right?

Where did we get this order or pattern from? From Scripture? From the New Testament Texts? I ask because the system makes us believe that they came from Scripture. Let's examine 'sola scriptura';

Did Abraham, a former Chaldean Idolater and later the Father of Faith, observe the pattern above when He prayed for a son?

Did Jacob, the deceiver and later 'Israel', observe this method when he wrestled with the Angel all night?

Did Joseph, the dreamer, approach God in that order on his way to the palace from prison?

Did Moses, the prince of Egypt and later Prophet, obey this pattern when he encountered God in the wilderness, the burning bush and later parted the Sea of Reeds?

Did Joshua and Judah follow this pattern before collapsing the walls of Jericho? (In fact, they only observed step 1).

Did Elijah observe the method when he commanded fire from heaven on the prophets of Baal?

Did Esther follow this order when she joined Mordecai & the Israelites in praying before approaching the King's court uninvited?

Did Samson observe this method before growing his hair back and decimating the Philistines?

Did Jesus teach His disciples 'how' to pray by observing this method?

Did Jesus heal the sick, raised the dead and multiplied foods by following this pattern?

Did the Apostles of Christ in 1st Century Middle East receive the Holy Spirit and grew the Church by following this praying pattern? Etc.

The clear answer is NO!

Hence, if our current beliefs about how prayer should be done is not founded on scriptural blueprint, where then did they come from? From Man's zeal. From Man's struggle to reach out to God on his own terms. From empty religion. And this is why some folks already think you haven't REALLY PRAYED until you spend an hour in solitude shaking and vibrating, and hyperventilating. Yet, we see no scintilla of evidence that these are embedded in Scripture or First Century Christian Tradition. And this is why I believe that every Christian who doesn't know Church history is potentially lost!

Surely, these beliefs about prayer are vestiges of a post-christian culture. That is, the inventions of man since the rise of Roman Catholicism. This is why 'closing your eyes' when you pray became orthodoxy, yet you would find NOT ONE reference in all of Scripture that says closing of eyes is imperative to an effective prayer.

We have substituted Scripture with the Traditions of Men, just as Jesus stated.

If you are one who still thinks that praying is only effective when it follows a particular order or when it's lengthy, you suffer from this post-christian mindset.

Don't deceive yourself by telling yourself that it's scriptural and divine. No, it's mental conditioning from childhood. It's religiosity. It's traditions of men. It's error. It only massages your conscience.

Written by Olakunle Allison

www.facebook.com/Olakunle.Allison