When Sex Is Not The Answer

                     

The emotional toll of using sex to fill a void.

Maybe you’re newly single and feeling uncomfortable without your ex partner, maybe you’ve been single for a long time and are needing validation of your attractiveness or value. Heck, maybe you’re in a relationship and your partner isn’t either emotionally or physically available and you’re feeling alone. Whatever your current story is, if you have found yourself looking to sex to fill an emptiness you are feeling, know that you are not alone.

As human beings we share a need for connection and intimacy, both of which come in multiple forms. Sex can feel like a great instant gratification way to feel less alone in the world, more connected, more wanted and needed.

The problem is that, as a therapist, I have not yet had lonely person who has had a one night stand or has a habitual non-romantic sexual partner answer yes to the following question, “So did you feel better, satisfied, or happier after that sexual encounter?”

Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with casual sex (when emotional and physical safety are all taken into account), and I strongly believe that meeting new people and having sex in general is a wonderful thing. I can share plenty of stories of sexual adventures outside of a committed relationship that were taken for what they were and thoroughly enjoyed by the participants in all ways.

Sex for the sake of sex is a different thing than sex in search of intimacy. If you have a casual sexual encounter, be honest with yourself as to what it is. Never lie to yourself that this is any more than what it is at face value. Please resist the urge to set yourself up for disappointment, guilt, shame, hurt, even a sense of betrayal, by pretending this is the beginning of something emotionally intimate.

What we’re talking about here is replacing true connection and real intimacy with a band-aid. Loneliness is very uncomfortable, even painful. We begin to doubt ourselves in loneliness. We begin to catastrophize our situation and begin to believe that we will die alone. All kinds of distorted thoughts start flooding your brain when you are lonely – especially in the middle of the night. When you are in this vulnerable place and someone shows sexual interest in you, it is easy to be drawn toward the mirage of connection that sex provides.

When we have sex with partners who are not committed to us or interested in more than sex we enter a dangerous area that can lead to connecting the amazing experience of sex with negative emotions instead of connection and intimacy.

We can start to question our own value when we see that people will spend an hour or even a night with us, but nothing more. Sex itself can even become distasteful, and it is far too important to the human emotional experience to tarnish it with such things. Also, you are too important to risk your emotional health and sense of self-esteem and confidence for a mirage.

At this point you may be asking me, “Okay, so, what? Am I supposed to just spend the rest of my life alone and sexless?” Not at all.

I ask you to be patient. Engage in your life. Do the things you enjoy. Spend time with people you feel good around. Set and work toward goals. And, while you’re doing all of that, be open to the possibility of a new partner coming into your life. If you truly know that you have a sexual need that requires meeting with something more than masturbation go ahead and have a casual experience, just remember to see it for what it is and get yourself back on track to finding what you are really looking for – someone to love, who will love you in return.

Compile y Demian

How to Discipline your children in Love

                        

Parenting small children can feel like Groundhog Day: correcting the same behaviors over and over again, often with no discernible improvement. When children disobey a clear expectation, parental anger can surge as a response. What should we do with that anger? Is it sinful? Or is there such a thing as righteous anger over the disobedience of a child? And most importantly, how can we keep anger from corrupting an act of discipline (training and correction) into one of retribution (getting even or vengeance)?

Many parents have a disconnect when thinking about anger and discipline: We suspect that disobedience should never touch our emotions—that good parents are able to correct their kids in an almost robotic, non-emotional way. It's important to acknowledge that we will get angry when our kids disobey, and that our anger is not sinful by definition. It turns sinful when we welcome it and use it to justify an unmeasured response. I do think it is extremely rare that we feel righteous anger of any kind, much less in moments of child disobedience. My anger in those moments was almost always related to the feeling that their disobedience was a personal offense against me or evidence that I was a failure at raising obedient children. That's a dumb kind of anger. And it's a dangerous kind, because it turns discipline into retribution lightning-fast.

Power Brokers and Peacekeepers

I believe the answer is not to be a robot, but rather to take time to calm down and gain control before administering discipline of any kind. We are allowed to get angry, but we are not allowed to sin in our anger (Ephesians 4:26). We are even allowed to express our anger on our faces or in our tone. However, because children are not as good at filtering those expressions as adults, I believe it's the better part of wisdom to control our outward reactions. Most children tend toward one of two categories: power broker or peacekeeper. The power broker recognizes emotional displays on our part as a sign that they are gaining leverage. If we show our anger over a disobedient act, we can actually reinforce the behavior. The peacekeeper, on the other hand, sees a display of anger as rejection. Seeing our anger may cause the peacekeeper to cease disobeying, but it may also breed fear and secrecy.

But if we completely hide our anger from our kids in those moments (particularly older kids), we can miss another training opportunity as important as the correction at hand: modeling how to handle anger well. We can do so by taking time to calm down before disciplining, and by assuring our children (verbally and physically) that our love for them is untouched by their disobedience. We can also model repentance when our anger expresses itself rashly. We can confess it to our children and ask forgiveness, demonstrating to both the power broker and the peacekeeper the power and peacefulness of humility.

Slow It Down

Proverbs 14:29 warns, “Whoever is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who has a hasty temper exalts folly” (ESV). If ever we need to exercise great understanding, it’s in moments of disciplining our kids. By thinking through what triggers our anger, we can begin to repent of its sinful aspects, working to slow it down to a safer speed. Once the moment of conflict has passed, we can do a personal debrief, asking ourselves what was really at the root of our anger. Did we have a wrong expectation? Did we allow an age-appropriate lack of self-control to get underneath our skin? Is anger our go-to response in general when things don't go as we had planned? How could things go better the next time?

Consider also how our own childhood influences our discipline patterns. For the parent who grew up in an angry home, the combination of disciplining and anger will feel either so normal that we forget to question it, or so inseparable that we avoid disciplining altogether. Neither of these is healthy. Sometimes agreeing to “divide and conquer” with our spouse can help. If your spouse has better control than you do, consider deferring to them as the primary disciplinarian until you can trust your own responses better. Know your triggers. If neglected chores drive you crazy, hand off discipline to your spouse. If back-talk sets off your spouse, maybe you are the better parent to discipline for that.

In every discipline moment, keep in view that our children are our neighbors, to be loved as we love ourselves. By remembering that they are people, we are more likely to correct rather than avenge. If anger arises, we will temper it with compassion and forgiveness, expressing it appropriately and disciplining out of love.

Written by Jen Wilkin

Jen Wilkin is a wife, mom to four great kids, and an advocate for women to love God with their minds through the faithful study of his Word. She writes, speaks, and teaches women the Bible. She lives in Flower Mound, Texas, and her family calls The Village Church home. You can find her at JenWilkin.blogspot.com. This article was originally published on Jen's blog and is used with her permission.

MARRIAGE:25 Financial Tips for Couples

                            
The way we earn, spend, and save money is a practical expression of our most fundamental beliefs. When our priorities are out of sync, money can become the great divide in an otherwise harmonious relationship.
By working together toward financial freedom, money can cease being a source of conflict and become a way to express our highest values, while providing comfort and security to those we love most.
Here are ways that you, as a couple, can improve your relationship with money.
While dating

1. Learn to have fun without a lot of money. A bike ride, walk in the park, home-cooked meal, free concert, or ice cream cone are just a few of the opportunities available to enjoy time with your lover without spending a lot of money.
2. Pay attention to your partner’s financial habits. Just because your beloved is a lot of fun and a good kisser does not mean that she is fiscally responsible. Before you commit yourself, learn how your partner handles the big issues of real life, including financial matters.
3. Discuss your dreams and goals with your partner. Almost everything you will do during your lives together will cost money. Make sure your partner’s goals are compatible with yours.

Living Together

4. Don’t move in by degrees. Some people leave their toothbrush one night, then a few changes of clothes, and before they know it, they’ve moved in. Have a discussion with your partner about leases, household expenses, and other important matters before you make your decision.
5. Create a written living-together agreement. Clarifying your intentions in writing will help you to avoid misunderstandings and costly disagreements later. In most cases, your agreement will be enforceable in court.
6. Plan carefully before you borrow with your beloved. Determine in advance who will be responsible for debts incurred during the relationship. In the absence of an agreement, each partner is generally responsible for debts for which she has signed, often without recourse to the other partner for repayment.

For Newlyweds 

7. Time your marriage to minimize taxes. If both you and your beloved are employed, the “marriage penalty” may force you to pay more taxes as a married couple than you would if you were single, so marry the following January rather than December. However, if one spouse earns most of the money, you’ll enjoy a “marriage bonus,” paying less tax as a married couple than you would as two single people, so a December wedding might be wise.
8. If you are paying for your own wedding, pay cash instead of going into debt. Have the courage to care more for the reality of your joint finances than the symbolic ritual of a lavish party. Consider having a small get-together to memorialize your love, and then throw a larger party when you can afford it.
9. If you receive monetary gifts on your wedding day, don’t spend them all. Set aside as much as you can to invest for shared dreams, such as a house, business, or children.
10. Review your investments. Determine if you need to change your investment allocations to meet your joint goals. Your partner’s assets can provide you with some investment flexibility that you could not achieve while single.

Joining Your Financial Lives

11. Create a workable structure for your financial lives. Who will be responsible for paying bills, filing invoices, balancing the checkbook, and researching large purchases? Establish a division of labor that suits your talents and needs.
12. Celebrate your differences. If one of you is a saver and the other a spender, create a budget that allows for both. If your partner is a bargain-hunter, put him in charge of the spending part of the budget, while you invest the savings.
13. Confide in your partner. Keeping financial problems to yourself is destructive to the openness and stability of your relationship. Discuss your worries with your mate and ask her for practical suggestions and support.
14. Rank your financial priorities. Where your individual goals coincide, make a list of the steps it will take to accomplish those goals. Where they collide, figure out which you can live without and how to combine the rest with your partner’s plans.

Starting a Family

15. If one partner will stay at home while the other works full-time, discuss the model you will use for your finances. Will you pay the homemaker a salary for her services? Have a spending limit for purchases, like a corporate buyer? Create an arrangement that shows respect for the most important job on Earth: raising a wonderful human being.
16. If you haven’t already, now is the perfect time to prepare your will. You don’t want guardianship issues to be settled in court if anything happens to you. Ask a friend or relative if he would be willing to be the legal and/or financial guardian for your children after you’re gone. Then, follow through by updating and signing your will.
17. If you stay home, keep up your career skills. Work part-time to maintain your skills and contacts, or go to school part-time to improve your financial prospects. Maintain your skills so you can ease your transition to the workplace.
18. Contribute to your child’s Roth IRA. Children, like many other taxpayers, can contribute up to $2,000 of their earnings to an IRA. If your children have part-time jobs, encourage them to save the money in a Roth IRA, perhaps by “matching” the funds they contribute. Roth IRA contributions can be withdrawn tax- and penalty-free and used for college expenses. Earnings can be withdrawn as well after the IRA has been open for five years, but they are subject to tax.

Relationship Skills for Financial Success

19. Organize regular “money meetings” to discuss your financial situation, dreams, and goals. Use this time to brainstorm creative solutions to problems and generate ideas to improve your future.
20. Work with your mate’s personality, instead of against it. One of you makes financial decisions instantly, while the other one deliberates for days. One of you hates paperwork, while the other has anxiety if every blank is not filled out completely and perfectly. Focus on a positive outcome, not the method of traveling.
21. Don’t ignore your partner’s needs. It may not be important to you, but if it’s important to your partner, it’s important to your partnership. Treat your partner as a business associate, not a dumping ground. Hear what your partner is saying, consider it, and respond.
22. Join an investment club, or form one for your family. Investment clubs are social gatherings where the members can learn about finances together. It’s a great opportunity to share good times and learn how to invest at the same time.

Remarriage

23. Talk about the money differences you had with your prior spouse. That way, your new mate will learn more about you and will know where you are coming from when differences arise in this relationship.
24. Be polite to your partner’s ex-spouse. He or she is the lion at the gate guarding your partner’s relationship with his children. Don’t indulge in vengeful or petty actions that may keep you from your larger goal of a happy stepfamily.
25. Don’t let the children come between you. It takes special vigilance to keep children from prior marriages from fueling disagreements. Discuss in advance how you will share responsibility for children who live with you and how their expenses will be handled.

Compiled y Edmilson 

I have denied myself sleep – Okorocha

                              

Imo State Governor, Rochas Okorocha, said that he has denied himself rest in order to make the State, one of the fastest growing city in the country.

Okorocha stated this in Owerri while inspecting some of his ongoing projects in the State.

According to the Governor, “my interest is to make sure that by the time I finish my second term, Imo State must have been developed more that it is now.”

” I find it difficult to sleep now because I want to change the entire face of Imo so that people from all over the country will come and relax. This will be my joy. ”

“If you look at the current urban renewal programme, we are constructing 3 tunnels, two flyovers and eight lane roads to enable us open our State for transformation to take place. ”

He added that, ” Imo is one of the fastest growing cities in Nigeria and so we have to make adequate attention to infrastructure development. You can see all Old projects we have remodelled and they are looking good now. ”