Technology is evolving so quickly that many of us are barely aware of
how our behavior is changing and how our most important relationships
are threatened.
You’re driving down a city street and find yourself stuck
behind someone going 15 mph below the speed limit. What’s your first
thought? That guy needs to get off his cell phone!
You’re sitting in the stands at a high school football game. You
notice that many of the students are not only ignoring the game but
they’re also ignoring the friends seated beside them—instead they are
busy texting other friends.
You walk through an airport concourse and notice a man pacing back
and forth, waving his hands while he talks on his cell phone in a voice
that bounces off the walls 30 yards away. You think, That’s why I hope they never allow people to make calls with their cell phones on a flight.
Sound familiar? In the last 15 years the cell phone has conquered
the world. I could make a list of 50 ways these phones have improved
our lives. But if you’re like me and can remember what life was like
before we all got cell phones, you may wonder if all the changes are
really for the good.
Remember those days when you could go to a movie—or to church—and not
worry about being distracted by ringing phones or by the white glow of
someone texting a friend? Remember when meetings at work weren’t
interrupted by phone calls that people just had to accept?
And here’s one more scene we all see regularly:
You walk into a restaurant and you notice a couple seated near you.
And you notice that they really are not enjoying this opportunity to be
together, because one is patiently waiting for the other to stop talking
or texting on the cell phone. And you think, How sad that they aren’t talking to each other.
Plugged in 24/7
Adjusting to some form of new technology is nothing new.
Electricity, automobiles, telephones, radio, television, computers, and
many other new inventions sparked significant changes in our culture and
in the way we related to our spouses, our children, and our friends.
But the pace of change since 1995 has been breathtaking. We’ve seen the
emergence of the internet and of mobile phones, and then the
convergence of the two. We can now be plugged in wherever we are, 24/7.
The technology is evolving so quickly that most of us are barely
aware of how our behavior is changing and our relationships are
affected. As one reader wrote after I addressed this issue a couple
months ago in a series of Marriage Memo e-mails, “These mobile
devices can take over your life.” Another said, “I understand
technology has its advantages, but we are being ruled by the technology
rather than using it as a tool.”
A number of readers were dismayed at how addiction to the new technology was affecting their marriages. For example:
- “I'm usually the spouse waiting for my husband to get off the
cell, iPad, instagram, text messaging, Facebook, or some other game that
has him hooked. I'm tired of having my conversations through text
messages and would enjoy an old-fashioned conversation face-to-face. But
the truth is we barely have anything to say to each other anymore.”
- “My husband and I have struggled for the last 25 years of our
marriage with conversation, but what has happened now is Facebook has
taken over. If dinner isn't ready when he comes home, he's on Facebook
until it is. Every morning he gets up and hits Facebook to see who's
been on. Sadly he does not see it as an issue. And I fear I am not
alone in this.”
- “I am one of those people at the restaurant with her spouse,
waiting and feeling lonely. My husband is always looking at his phone,
checking his email or his bank account, his Facebook, and his texts. I
just sit waiting and thinking to myself, Why am I not good enough for him? Why does he have to be entertained by everyone and everything else? It deeply depresses me and he just cannot understand my point of view.”
Replacing conversation with connectivity
Some people gravitate toward texting or Twitter for communication
just as they did years ago toward e-mail—it’s simpler, faster, easier.
What they don’t realize is how much is lost in those mediums—emotion,
facial expressions, tone of voice, and much more. It can be dangerous
to replace conversation with connectivity.
One woman wrote about problems in her marriage: “… many arguments
occur because of something that was texted and was misunderstood by one
of us. Today my husband texted me after refusing to have a conversation
last night. I thought the tone of his text was ugly and didn't
respond. Later he texted me asking why I didn't respond and I said I
would rather talk than text because texting can be misunderstood. His
response was ‘I enjoy texting. Speak message. Little emotion. Can get
right to point.’”
What a classic quote, and so typically male: “I enjoy texting. Speak
message. Little emotion. Can get right to point.” The problem is that
real relationships require real conversation and real emotion.
“When we text, e-mail, Facebook, and the like, we lose a vital piece
of relationships: the emotional connection,” wrote another reader.
“Without the sound of our voices, the body language, the touch, we as
humans lose what God intended to be a vital part of how we are supposed
to relate and a vital part of how we are supposed to receive love and be
in communion with others.”
Household rules
It’s
not that the technology is inherently bad. Far from it—it helps us
connect with people in many positive ways. The problem is that so many
people are unable to control it. It’s as if they are married to their
cell phones.
I
received some great tips from readers about the boundaries they were
implementing to promote face-to-face communication in their marriages.
Here are some highlights:
1. No devices at the dinner table.
This was mentioned many times in e-mails. Dinner time should be
reserved for face-to-face conversation. There will be plenty of time
after dinner to reply to phone calls and text messages.
One family calls this rule “TTT—Timeout from Technology at the Table.”
2. No phones at the restaurant. “My
husband and I have made a deal for date nights,” wrote one wife. “He
is way too plugged in to TV and his phone. Therefore when we are out at
restaurants we are not allowed to use our phones unless it is a call
from the babysitter. Also we do not go to restaurants that have
televisions because he will be too distracted, and I will be mad that he
is not totally engaged. We all need to find time daily to disconnect
from all the information and reconnect with our families with good
‘old-fashioned’ conversation.”
Another reader said she and her husband leave their cell phones in the car before they enter a restaurant.
3. No texting or talking about really important personal issues over the phone.
This should be done face-to-face, unless it is something that can't
wait. One reader said, “There is a huge gap in a 'conversation' when
texting because you don't really fully understand what that person
really means unless you hear the tone in their voice or see their face
and a lot can be taken the wrong way, creating bad feelings, etc.”
Love the one you’re with
All these boundaries establish a strong family value: When you’re with someone, that relationship is your priority. Retraining
will take some time if you, your spouse, or your children have become
addicted to your devices. But keeping them in their rightful place
will, in the words of one reader, “open up the door to more intimate
communication with your spouse and family.”
I
also liked the comment from a reader who pointed out, “Anything that
becomes a necessity has the ability to become an idol.” In other words,
you can become so attached to your smartphone that it basically becomes
the most important thing in your life: “If you can’t live without a
gadget … throw it away. If a gadget is absorbing most of your leisure
time … throw it away!
“Life is too short. Let’s not invest what little time we have in meaningless endeavors.”
Written by Dave Boehi
Dave Boehi is a senior editor at FamilyLife. He has written one book (I Still Do), coauthored the Preparing for Marriage curriculum, edited numerous books, and also produces two FamilyLife e-newsletters—The Family Room and Marriage Memo. Dave and his wife, Merry, live in Little Rock, Arkansas, and have two married daughters.
