Friday 1 July 2016
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Your Intercultural Marriage
Studies show that the most fulfilled intercultural couples are those who dedicate themselves to loving and serving each other, living a life committed to God, setting and achieving goals, and reaching out to others. The intercultural couples that I’ve interviewed also have listed a variety of other elements that they consider vital to marital success, including:
- a true, personal relationship with Jesus Christ
- a strong commitment to the marriage
- open communication
- patience
- kindness
- honesty
- faithfulness
- a willingness to sacrifice one’s personal preferences for the sake of the other
- sensitivity to each other’s needs
- a positive attitude toward each other’s cultures and families
- flexibility
- adaptability
- the sharing of common dreams, goals, and interests
- a spirit of adventure
- a sense of humor
- a willingness to learn each other’s languages and cultural ways
- verbally building each other up rather than tearing each other down
- the dedication to stay in the marriage and work out problems when times get tough
Be Ready to Make Sacrifices
Recently, I sat down and talked with a friend about some of the changes that have occurred in my life and in my marriage over the past year. My husband and I have put in offers on two homes, but we felt a lack of peace about both and ended up not purchasing either one. We were forced to go back to the drawing board and begin looking all over again, which was not an easy decision to make.
In addition, we recently found out that we are expecting our first child. We are absolutely thrilled about this new development in our lives, but it is requiring us to make some important financial decisions and cutbacks in our spending. In addition, it has affected my work and writing schedule and has given me a reason to stop, reflect, and pray about my values, my priorities, my marriage, my writing career, and my family.
As I talked with my friend, I told her that the process of pressing on in intercultural marriage often feels like taking “three steps forward, two steps back.” Sometimes processes and decisions that seem so simple for other couples to make, like buying a home, become a long, emotional, and drawn-out ordeal for intercultural couples, and no one can pinpoint the precise reasons why. Divergent values, worldviews, priorities, different ways of making decisions, varying attitudes toward money, and more can make it difficult for intercultural couples to agree on an outcome that is mutually satisfying. Intercultural marriages can feel like much more work, and can require much more personal sacrifice, than non-intercultural partnerships.
But this line of thinking can be unproductive…
I meet just as many non-intercultural couples who face disillusionment and frustration as I do intercultural couples. I know just as many same-culture couples who have divorced as I do intercultural couples — in fact, probably more. Part of the difference may be that intercultural couples usually expect to have cultural and communication issues as part of the fabric of their marriages, so they prepare to deal with those issues from the beginning and commit themselves more deeply to the relationship. Same-culture couples often don’t expect to have issues related to communication, intimacy, money, child rearing, and more, so they may not be prepared to deal with conflicts on these issue.
Consider Your Marriage Your Homeland
Many intercultural spouses, especially those who have left their home, family, and friends to move to a foreign culture, begin to consider their marriage their new “homeland” — a haven of love, safety, and security.
One author notes that intercultural couples’ commitment to their marriages is often strengthened by pride. She writes, “Many of these marriages have taken place against the advice of family or friends. . . . [The spouses] need to prove to everyone (sometimes themselves included) that they made the right decision. They don’t want to admit that they might have made a mistake — that everyone else might have been right and face the spoken or implied ‘I told you so’s’ back home. So when faced with the prospect of marital breakdown, they have another try at working it out.”
Intercultural couples tend to form a unique bond — a special identity together that is quite different from the identity of each individual. This bond also provides couples with an impetus to stay together. Dugan Romano writes, “There might also be a reluctance to give up the new identity, the uniqueness the couple acquired through the marriage. It’s hard to go back to being just like everyone else, especially for those who need to be different, who perhaps were escaping from something they didn’t like in their own culture by marrying out of it. Often the same motives that led them into the marriage in the first place keep them working at it when the relationship goes sour.”
Keep a Positive Attitude
The most crucial factor for success is keeping a positive attitude about your spouse and your marriage. At times, doing so will require deep dependence on the Lord through prayer. Part of honoring your spouse is treating that person with love and respect even when you don’t feel like it.
The most successful couples I interviewed were optimistic people who had a positive outlook on life and felt confident about the way they were living their lives. They felt that their marriages were special, and they worked hard to keep their relationships happy and healthy. They prayed together and were committed to having homes that were founded on the principles of God’s Word. They were quick to name all of the benefits they had gained from their marriages, and they were committed to giving back to others. They were flexible and tolerant with their spouses and gave them room to grow and change.
Written by
7 Ways to Save Your Marriage
Your mate tells you they don’t love you
anymore, asking for time to “find” themselves. Maybe you’ve just traced
the clues to the tragedy that your mate has been having an affair. Maybe
you’re well past an immediate crisis, now facing an impending court
date legally ending your marriage.
Wait! Slow down. There is a downhill slide
that can pull your marriage even further out of control unless you stop
and consider everything. Even though your situation appears hopeless,
and you feel incredibly helpless, there are things you can do to save your marriage.
While the stats may be alarming, many marriages can be saved. You
don’t have to continue spiraling out of control. You don’t need to
stand by, helplessly riding an emotional roller coaster, bracing for the
next brick wall. You can take control of your life. I make this audacious statement because I’ve seen hundreds of marriages saved by taking certain identifiable actions, and likewise I’ve seen many make matters worse by taking equally identifiable actions. If you will take the time to learn these patterns, you are in a powerful position to change the direction of your marriage.
So, the obvious question is, “What are those identifiable actions?” Even asking this question means you are ready to stop and consider where you are and how you got there. You are ready to allow this crisis to become an opportunity for growth, taking these powerful steps to save a marriage on the brink of divorce. No matter what stage of disrepair your marriage is in, these steps—one for every day of the week—are powerful. Take one, each day of the week, and repeat as needed.
Monday:
Don’t use ANY coercive actions, including arguments, persuasion, Scripture or other means, to talk your mate into staying in the marriage. Yes, this goes against natural inclinations. When threatened we want to browbeat our mate into staying in the marriage. We use statistics, persuasion, coercion and even Scripture to implore them to stay. However, this doesn’t work and in fact turns our mate off and pushes them further away. They will run from such intense, harmful action.
Do offer your loving presence and accept it if your mate feels the need to leave the marriage. Be respectful, kind and gentle with them, perhaps even empathizing with their desire to leave. Be stable, predictable and safe as they wrestle with their feelings, occasionally letting them know your desire is to save your marriage and will take remediable action to do so.
Tuesday:
Don’t set boundaries you are not ready to enforce. Don’t make idle threats. Don’t tell them you will inform their family, employer and neighbors about their actions. Again, this only pushes them away. They will feel your manipulation and resent it. This “nasty,” desperate side only gives them more reason to leave.
Do set boundaries. If your mate doesn’t want to stay, encourage them to leave. You will not participate in a three-way relationship. You must feel their intent to heal your marriage, and if they cannot offer that, they must leave. Let them know you must be treated with dignity, and if they cannot do that, it is best that they do leave. This show of self-respect will make a powerful statement to your mate.
Wednesday:
Don’t enlist family members, friends or other acquaintances to take up an offense against your mate. This makes a powerful statement to your mate—that they are wrong and their actions shameful. If you really believe they are this ‘bad,’ and gather others into your corner, they will want to be away from you all the more. Such actions only make reconciliation more difficult and breed resentment in your mate.
Do get support. Tell friends and family you need their love and support, but don’t need them to become angry and resentful toward your mate. Find a few key people whom you can trust to share your innermost feelings.
Thursday:
Don’t ask for reassurances. This shows neediness and excessive dependency. Don’t talk about the future, again showing respect for your mate’s choices.
Do make plans for your future as you learn to live for a time with uncertainty. Stay active in things that bring you strength and joy. Remain active in church, getting plenty of sleep, exercise and maintaining healthy nutrition. Convey to your mate that you will miss them terribly, but you will survive.
Friday:
Don’t sit around waiting for your spouse. Don’t act as if your life depends completely on your mate. This makes your mate have an unhealthy sense of power.
Do keep yourself strong, attractive and outgoing. You want to put your best foot forward, using every opportunity to make a positive impression. Every situation counts. Every encounter, even if few and far between, makes an impression.
Saturday:
Don’t get pulled into an argument. Don’t respond or react to “story starters,” where your mate talks negatively about you or your marriage. It takes two to fight, and if you refuse, they stand arguing with themselves.
Do acknowledge your mate’s feelings while not conceding to their content. Do note that you don’t see things the same as your mate, and leave it at that. Do seek opportunities to have positive conversations with them.
Sunday:
Don’t give up. This is a marathon, not a sprint. While your situation may seem critical, you have plenty of time to turn things around.
Do develop a Game Plan and stick with it. Day after day, situation after situation, you have many opportunities to make deposits into the Love Bank. Old memories of past challenges will be replaced by new memories. Step by step, “pulling weeds and planting seeds,” you can grow a new, beautiful garden. When your mate looks back, you will be standing there in a position of self-respect.
These are critical steps.
One for each day of the week—in addition to some you may want to add yourself, are a powerful combination, leading to a corrective emotional experience. Used together, these actions convey a sense of self-restraint, self-confidence and optimism and have the power to keep your marriage far from Divorce Court.
Written by Dr. David Hawkins
Dr. David Hawkins is a Christian Clinical Psychologist who is a speaker for the American Association of Christian Counselors and has been writing an Advice Column for Crosswalk.com and CBN.org for several years and is now writing for Believe.com. He is a weekly guest on Moody Radio and Faith Radio and is the author of over thirty books. He is happily married to Christie, an Interior Designer, and lives on Bainbridge Island, outside Seattle.
You Didn’t Marry Your Mom
One of the most inflammatory things a husband can say to his wife is, “That’s not how Mom did it.”
Let’s look at three areas in a marriage where it’s easy to fall into that mom-wife comparison trap.
Cooking
In the sitcom Everybody Loves Raymond, Ray Barone’s mother, Marie, constantly belittles her daughter-in-law’s cooking. Ray’s wife, Debra, isn’t the greatest cook, so instead of encouraging her, Ray often sneaks across the street to eat in his mom’s kitchen instead of his own.
Your wife may not be a gifted cook, but that’s no reason you should point out her flaws. Instead, encourage her to develop her strengths. Set the mom comparison aside and together agree on what works for you both, whether your wife does the cooking or you choose to share kitchen duties.
On the flip side, maybe your wife is a great cook, but she doesn’t prepare meals exactly as your mother did. There’s no harm in sharing recipes you like with your wife — but tread carefully and let her approach them in her way.
Husbands: No matter what, never say, “You’ll never be able to cook like my mother.” It’s a short walk to the doghouse, but you’ll be in there for a while.
No matter what, never say, “You’ll never be able to cook like my mother.” It’s a short walk to the doghouse, but you’ll be in there for a while.
Housekeeping Some wives are impeccable housekeepers. Their homes are stylish, spotless sanctuaries, worthy of gracing a magazine cover. Other wives may not place as much emphasis on this aspect of home life. Wherever your preference falls on the spectrum, you’re headed for the red zone if you compare your wife’s housekeeping style with your mom’s.
What if your mother wasn’t very concerned with housekeeping but your wife is, and this takes you out of your comfort zone? Or your mom’s home was a showplace, and you expect the same of a wife who doesn’t care to live in a museum?
You and your wife need to put your heads together, share your preferences and priorities (without comparison!), and figure out what works for you. Home needs to be a comfortable place for you both.
Husbands: If you point out your wife’s perceived failings as a housekeeper, don’t be surprised if she hands you a mop.
Parenting Raising kids is a hot topic that must be approached delicately. If you and your wife come from different backgrounds or different families of origin, you may find it particularly challenging to agree on a parenting style. But it’s not uncommon for spouses from similar backgrounds to clash as well.
In this case, it’s especially important for husbands to filter their mothers’ opinions and well-intentioned advice. Accepting wise advice from an experienced older adult isn’t a bad thing, but you must discern what advice to take — and what to ignore.
If your mother exercises too much influence over your wife’s parenting, that’s a problem. It can also be a problem if you pressure your wife to create a parenting experience for your kids that is similar to what you grew up in.
Husbands: Let your wife do her job as your kids’ mother, and do your job as their father. Your mom is their grandmother, not their mom — so let her rock that role.
A Word to Wives
Don’t pressure yourself into trying to please your husband by doing everything his mother did just as she did it. You are not her! Be secure in your identity, strengths, talents, and even weaknesses.
Your husband likely wasn’t looking for a clone of his mother to marry — even if he did bring expectations and comparisons from his childhood into your marriage. He wants a wife, and your responsibility is to be just that.
Written by Les Parrott
Les Parrott III, Ph.D., is founder of RealRelationships.com and a Professor of Psychology at Seattle Pacific University. He is also co-creator, with his wife Leslie, of eHarmony Marriage. Les is an award-winning author of more than a dozen best-selling books including High-Maintenance Relationships, The Control Freak, 3 Seconds, Becoming Soul Mates, Your Time Starved Marriage and Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts.
Masturbation: The Secret That Ruins Marriages
Chances are, your dad never talked to you about it while you were growing up. But it’s a painful issue for many Christian men out there. Single men, in particular, wonder what they should do until they get married. They may even ask, “Isn’t it better to masturbate and satisfy my natural desires in this way rather than some — clearer’ form of sexual sin?”
One of the challenges to answering these questions is that the secular world has been busy normalizing masturbation and dispelling negative consequences (though it really isn’t true that you will go blind). Many of us who have gone to counselors, even pastors, about our own masturbation habits have been told, “Don’t worry about that! That’s normal.” It is true that the experience of masturbating is very common. Even babies touch themselves and find the experience pleasurable. Many adolescents stumble across the experience again when it has become orgasmic and find it both exhilarating and frightening at the same time. That is not sin, but normal curiosity.
The main challenge to answering these questions men ask is that the Bible never mentions the word masturbation. In the absence of a clear command, we should be careful that we don’t heap undo condemnation where God intended it. But, there are some things that we should keep in mind.
While the Bible is not clear about masturbation, it is clear about lustful fantasy. In Matthew 5:27-28, Jesus teaches that thinking about another woman lustfully is adultery. If you’re looking to justify masturbation, you’re going to have to ask yourself what you think about when you do it. Bringing yourself to orgasm while thinking about anyone to whom you are not married is, according to Jesus, adultery. Thinking about some sexual scenario and achieving an orgasm to those thoughts conditions you to what sex could be like. This is dangerous in that it sets up unrealistic expectations for what sex with your wife ? or future wife ? should be like.
Don’t be self-righteous and think, “Well, I masturbate, but I only think about my wife. That isn’t adultery.” Do you think about actual past experiences, or do you project into the future: “Wouldn’t it be great if she would only?”? Thinking in this way only sets up unrealistic expectations and dishonors your wife. Maybe in masturbating you’re trying to correct frequency or sexual practice issues you have in your marriage. You may even find that when you masturbate you are angry with your wife because she isn’t available in certain ways. Unhealed anger about these issues fuels vulnerability to all forms of sexual sin. Masturbating may even deprive your wife of your sexual ability to her.
Another point to ponder is that for many, masturbating leads to a certain form of “tolerance.” The tolerance effect simply means that the more you do something the more you will eventually need to do it to achieve the same affect. An alcoholic knows, for example, that when he first starts drinking, one drink may be enough to get him drunk. After weeks, months or even years, a lot more alcohol will be needed to do so. This is because God has built into our bodies the amazing ability to adjust to whatever we put in it. Our bodies will eventually return to a state of normal. If we put something foreign into it consistently enough, however, the body will adjust what it considers to be normal to a higher level.
Sexual thinking causes a chemical reaction in the brain. That is what gives us the bodily response to achieve sexual intercourse and the pleasurable feeling that goes with it. Fantasizing about sex and achieving orgasm through masturbation creates this chemical reaction. If we masturbate enough, our bodies will adjust, and we will need to do it more to achieve the same effect. I have known men, in extreme cases, who started masturbating once a month or so when they were adolescents and by the time they came to me were masturbating multiple times per day. They are addicted to the brain chemicals created when they stimulate themselves in this way.
Masturbation and the tolerance effect
The tolerance effect can also mean that the sexual fantasy involved in masturbating will need to become more exciting, more provocative, and/or more dangerous. You may have found that your own sexual fantasies have become more elaborate involving new types of sexual activity or a constantly changing supply of imaginary sexual partners. You may not even realize it, but your fantasy life may have become sinful in nature.
The friction of using your own hand or some other aid to achieve masturbation may also condition you to that level of stimulation. Believe it or not, this kind of conditioning may make it less likely that you will be stimulated by vaginal intercourse. Men who get into this kind of pattern may start experiencing sexual frustrations when they are being sexual with their wives.
If you understand the effect sexual fantasy and activity has on the brain, you can also understand that many of us have used the pleasurable feelings of sex to escape unpleasant feelings. You may have noticed that the times when you have most felt like masturbating are those times when you are lonely, tired, angry, frightened or stressed out. When we use masturbation or any other form of sexual activity to achieve this kind of escape, we are depriving ourselves of more fulfilling and Christ-centered answers to those feelings.
Sometimes, the very sexual fantasies we use to masturbate may create imagined situations in which we are getting comfort, touch, love and nurture from imaginary others. Outside of the brain chemistry effect, these imagined relationships may give us a false sense of comfort for our feelings. In either case, we are not truly looking for ultimately satisfying answers to our problems.
If you are seeking to end a struggle with chronic and addictive masturbation, remember that you are not alone. Your struggle is something that many men have faced. Nothing separates us from the love of Christ. Find fellowship with other men with whom you can be honest about your feelings. Take a risk to be vulnerable. If you’re married, work on your emotional and spiritual intimacy with your wife. You don’t need to be explicit with her about your fantasies or masturbation habit, but you do need to tell her how you’re feeling, how much you love her, and how much you need her.
Written by Mark Laaser
Dr. Mark Laaser holds a PhD in religion and psychology from the University of Iowa and a Mdiv from Princeton Theological Seminary. Mark is an internationally known author and speaker. including Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction. He and his wife, Debra, started Faithful and True Ministries.
Sex & Intimacy in your marriage
“Sex sells,” goes the saying. And that's true, because sex consumes our thoughts, affects our behaviors, and can bring us either tremendous joy and intimacy, or incredible shame and heartache.
Sex has this pull on us because it's intrinsic to our nature. God created us sexual beings, male and female – and according to his design, the marriage between a man and woman is the appropriate context in which to lovingly express and enjoy sexual intimacy.
But unfortunately, something that should be so intuitive and natural isn't always so. When communication misfires or conflicts occur, sex can push couples further apart than draw them closer together. Issues such as differing desire levels or frequency expectations may prevent your needs from being met and leave you grappling with frustration, disappointment, or feelings of rejection. Perhaps your sex life seems mechanical, boring, or even hurried, and you wonder if it's possible to turn around what's become routine into something mutually satisfying and exciting. What's permissible – and what's off-limits – in the bedroom, and what boundaries you should set with your spouse? Is the use of erotica, pornography, or the practice of masturbation ever okay? And how can you and your spouse safeguard your marriage by controlling lust and sexual temptation as you live out your covenant in this in-your-face, sex-saturated culture?
Our fallen nature – and broken world – impact all aspects of life, including our love life. But the good news is, God's in the restoration business, and he really cares about the health of your sex life. With his help and healing, and the wise counsel in the following articles, you can learn to experience God-honoring and truly fulfilling sexual intimacy.
Written by Daniella Anita
Otunba Damilare:The energy behind Oodua Cultural Troop
Gender; Male
Date of Birth; Nov 9
Schools attended: Sonmori Comprehensive high school,University of Lagos where he studied Public Admin
Hobby: Love reading books and surfing the internet.
Occupation: Cultural Promotion
Position: Coordinator,Oodua Cultural International Troop.
Facebook: Otunba Damilare King
Prince Adedipe:The Ajagun nla of Ojokoro
He is into estate Management, property consultancy,
Prince Adedipe is the CEO of Adedas and Company Limited,and Adedas Security Service.He also served as a volunteer at Nigerian Security Civil Defense Corps.
He has engaged in different charity and voluntary programs for the masses such as Adedas Development Foundation where he caters for all the youths and the masses.
He is the Arowo Sadeni of Abule Egba and Balogun Adini of AAwusat Foundation,Meiran.
Prince Adedipe is also the Ajagun nla of Ojokoro,Lagos..
He is happily married and blessed with children .
These are his recent events of Adedas Ramadan Lecture photos below:
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