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Ten Common Child Discipline Mistakes Fathers Make

                                         
I was visiting with a father who recently left my employer to work for another employer closer to his home. I asked him about living literally minutes away from the office and he said, "I love it. If I am on the phone and one of the boys is giving my wife grief, I can be in my car and in the front door before the call is over to get my boys to behave. I never want my boys to disrespect their mother, and being close to home has helped me intervene when I have been needed." This is a father who understands his role and the need for child discipline.  And dads like this also know how to avoid many of the classic child discipline mistakes.
These ten child discipline mistakes that we fathers at times make usually end up with results we don't intend and actually create barriers to our children's future good behavior. Watch out for these mistakes in your own parenting and discover ways to overcome these ineffective tools.

Losing Your Temper. While the behavior of our children may at times make us crazy, we must never discipline when angry.

Raising your voice, swearing or getting out of control tends to teach the child that yelling, anger and violence are acceptable in their relationships with friends and family. Instead, when you feel the anger boiling up, take a few seconds or minutes of "time-out" and regroup. Children respond best to a calm, reasonable approach that is direct and precise.

Physical Punishment: Spanking, jerking a child by his arm, or hitting in any way, while often common during our growing up years, is simply ineffective. It teaches a child that the way to deal with conflict is to use physical force. Again, time out is a good idea to avoid physical discipline. Learning alternative child discipline skills can also help you break the tendency to lash out physically. Remember, your principal role is a teacher, not an enforcer.
Inconsistency. I see so many fathers discipline their children in an inconsistent manner. The same behavioral offense will have different responses at different times. A well-established and understood set of rules and standards with defined consequences tend to work the best. If one time your child uses a swear word you just laugh, and the next time (perhaps in different company) you impose a grounding or other choice, the child will become confused and not know what is expected. Being consistent in child discipline is the best way to teach them what is or is not acceptable behavior.

Bribery. Trying to bribe a child to behave in a certain way by promising a reward only teaches a child that they get a prize if they act inappropriately first, and then change their behavior. We want them to act appropriately the first time. A good child discipline alternative is to remind them how good it feels to make right choices or to simply give the predetermined positive consequence for positive behavior.

Unconnected Consequences. I have always thought that children responded best when the consequences of their behavior seemed to naturally flow. For example, staying out past curfew should have a consequence like coming in earlier the following weekend. If they prove that they cannot be trusted to live with a curfew, then they have to rebuild that trust over time.We had a son that had a hard time for a while containing his anger and would punch a hole in a door or wall. Needing to pay for and install the repair of the damaged items himself (and out of his pocket) seemed to me to be a logical consequence. When the consequence does not fit the "crime," then the lessons are not learned. So avoid giving unrelated consequence (like a grounding for having an overdue library book) and try to find natural consequences.

Being Played Against Their Mom. It is critical for mom and dad to be united in the disciplinary strategy. If a child can run to another parent and find leniency, it tends to destroy the other parent's credibility. Never override your spouse's disciplinary decisions in public. If you have a disagreement, air it privately with one another. And try to share the child discipline role between both parents regularly.

Confusing Roles. Don't feel obligated to get your child's consent for the discipline you impose. You are the parent and have the responsibility to discipline. Your word on a disciplinary matter is final and non-negotiable. As children mature, you can begin to share reasons why you feel as you do about things, but in any case your word is final.
Imposing Excessive Guilt. Trying to use a "head game" like guilt almost always backfires. "I slave my life away for you, and you can't even clear your dishes off the table (or put away my tools or ...)." If you make a child feel responsibility for things that go wrong in your life, you are not acting like a parent but like a codependent. Stay away from the guilt trips and just impose consequences.

Lecturing. This is a trap that I often find myself in. Pulling the child aside and giving them a monologue of all the reasons why some behavior was bad usually doesn't result in learning but resentment. A better approach to child discipline is a dialogue finding out why the behavior was not where it should be. For example, if a child fails to do homework on time, a lecture on the value of education is probably not going to result in a change of behavior. Identifying reasons why the homework was not turned in and then developing a plan to address the reasons is a more productive approach.

Comparing with Others. This is another common mistake I see, and lived out on many levels. "Your older sister was so good at practicing the piano every day; why can't you seem to get it?" We might see this approach as reassuring and offering hope. But instead, comparisons just breed resentment. Maybe the older sister loved and had a talent for the piano, while the current child excels at something else and does not feel a passion for piano. The comparison really serves no useful purpose. Try to see each child as a unique individual with his or her own talents and strengths.
By being aware of these common mistakes in our approach to child discipline, we can perhaps see them coming and make adjustments. Finding better approaches like the ones suggested can help any dad become a better and more effective parent and teacher. And behavior will improve in short order by using techniques that work better.

Source:fatherhood.about.com

Top Ten Skills Every Father Needs to Develop

                                                             
For 13 years now, I have been writing about fatherhood, and talking with fathers all around the world about their experiences.  So, I think I have learned a thing or two about fatherhood.  My own experience as the father of five children helped me solidify my own thoughts about the fatherhood skills needed for a dad to be world-class.  But working in the fatherhood world with so many other fathers has taken my thinking to a whole new level.

I have been working on defining the ten principles that fathers need to embrace to become great dads (and I even wrote Power Dads to share my thoughts about these principles with a broader audience).  And while principle-based fatherhood is important, it is not enough without working on some important personal and interpersonal skills which can make a difference in parenting.
So, after a lot of thought, I offer my take on the ten mad skills dads need to develop and improve on in order to rise to become the fathers they want to be - and need to be - in today’s ever more difficult world.

Listening actively.  One of the skills I frequently see lacking in parents (and especially fathers) is active listening.Learning to listen actively involves listening with all five senses and being totally engaged in the effort - no distractions.  When we listen to words, try to understand body language, and effectively probe to understand feelings and deeper meaning, we can get the real messages from our family members - the ones they need us to get.  Reflecting and testing for our understanding of the messages and the feeling behind them can revolutionize our communication.

Speaking your child’s love language.  According to author Gary Chapman, we all receive expressions of love in different “love languages.”  Chapman identifies five key love languages.

• Quality time
• Receiving gifts
• Physical touch
• Words of affirmation
• Acts of service

When we observe carefully how our kids react to situations, you can identify which of the five love languages is a child’s primary way of receiving love.  Then, when we communicate in their love language, we can more effectively connect with them and build relationships of trust.

Praising effectively.  While parents certainly need to learn to effectively discipline and correct our children, we also need to learn to praise them effectively and to celebrate their successes.  The ability to give sincere and heartfelt praise and to let them know when they have met or exceeded our expectations is a vital skill.

Setting and enforcing boundaries.  When I think about helping children learn to be self-disciplined, I tend to see it most in the ways we establish and enforce boundaries around their behavior.  While there are many specific child discipline techniques, the use of techniques is secondary to and support our efforts at drawing effective lines around behavior and then helping them learn to live within them.

Setting clear expectations.  Along with setting boundaries, we need to also be clear about what we expect from our kids. High expectations, as long as they are achievable, are significant motivators and help kids rise to the occasion.  When I taught my sons to take care of the grass in our yard, I had to help them know what I would expect from their efforts.  Did they just cut the grass, or did they also string trim the edges?  Did they just mow in strips, or did I want the strips to be diagonal?  Whatever it was, I owed them the respect and courtesy to be clear.

Playing with fun and purpose.  Many dads I know are really good at playing, but many others need a refresher on the importance of play, and of play with a purpose.  If all we do on a weekend is chores and to to church, we miss an important opportunity to build memories and stronger personal relationships.  Sometimes the purpose of play is simply to relax and have fun, but play can often be combined with teaching.  Looking for opportunities to have some fun for the sake of fun is great, and playing with a purpose of teaching something is important too.

Coaching.  Fathers serve an important role as a coach and a mentor for their children. When we take on the coaching role, we are our children’s advocate, we help them develop skills and attitudes that will help them, and we put their success as a high personal priority.  The same skills that we saw in sports coaches that motivated us are important for us in mentoring our kids.

Parenting Unitedly.  Mothers and fathers have different parenting styles, and if we aren’t careful, we can become competitive with our kids’ mother rather that complementary.  Moms and dads can also be played against each other if we are not unified in our approach and principles.

Motivating.  I had a friend when I was a child whose dad motivated by fear and intimidation.  My friend was scared of his dad, but he did behave in ways that kept him out of trouble.  A much better approach is that of the dad of another friend whose son would not disappoint his dad for any reason.  His love and respect for his father was motivation enough.  As we work with our children, finding ways to motivate them effectively, and to help them do the right thing for the right reason is huge.

Teaching life lessons.  I see an awful lot of parents coasting through parenting - getting kids here and there, trying to teach them self-discipline but not really helping them prepare for independence.  Helping them learn life lessons in the midst of living life is an important skill that we can develop better.  Looking for teaching moments as they happen and then taking advantage of them is a must for effective dads.

Written by Parker

FATHERS: Help your Boys to Become Men

                                                 
One of the best traditions our family has had over the years is the fathers and sons campout. We have traditionally gone up to the mountains with my sons and my sons' friends and their dads every spring for a Friday and Saturday to camp out, cook out and just talk around the campfire. Some of my best teaching moments that have helped me with raising responsible sons have happened in the father and sons campout setting.
Fathers have a vital responsibility to teach their sons how to be strong and responsible men as they grow up. It is clear that in the absence of a father, or at least a positive father figure in a young man's life, he struggles to learn what it means to become a good man - one who shoulders responsibility, one who values hard work and determination, and one who will one day take on the responsibility of becoming a father and supporting a family.
But teaching a young man how to become a responsible man involves more than just being there.

It is a conscious process of mentoring, training and connecting that creates a desire and the skills needed for a boy to become the kind of man we all hope he becomes. It starts with understanding the key principles  associated with being a great man and a great father and then both teaching them and living them in your own life.

Be the Role Model.There is no more important aspect to raising responsible young men than modeling the behavior you hope that they embrace when they become men. As they watch you in action, they learn what being a man is all about. You have to demonstrate commitment,sacrifice,self control and responsibility in order for them to want to be the kind of man you hope they become. Sometimes this can be the toughest assignment of all, but it is critically important. Your sons will learn more from watching how you react and behave in given circumstances than they will from everything you tell them.

Teach them about planning. Too many men seem to go through life just reacting to what is happening around them. We all know that little boys tend to be reactive to the moment, but part of becoming a man is making choices based on key values, even before the situation arises. For example, help them develop a personal budget and savings plan so they don't just fall into the lifelong trap of impulse buying. Help them think about their careers and emphasize the need for planning and preparation. Take time in your family nights to teach about scheduling and time management.As they begin to see the impact of thinking ahead and planning, they will develop an essential skill of manhood.

Teach and model respect. Men in our popular society seem to be most valued when they rebel against authority and do what they want, regardless of the impact on others. But living together in a day to day society and culture requires that we behave differently than that. Help your young men learn respect for authority, to show respect for women and girls,and to be gentlemen. Help them learn to work well with others and show respect for differing points of view.
Teach them to be trustworthy. Successful men live up to their commitments and live ethically. If they are just watching examples in the popular media, they may see role models who are dishonest, unfaithful to commitments and who put their conveniences and comforts ahead of anything else of value. But real men keep their promises, are honest even when they aren't being watched, and are worthy of trust. Be that kind of dad to them, and correct them when you see an evidence of a lack of trust.
Help them learn accountability and self-discipline. One of the core differences that distinguishes a real man from all the others is his ability to control himself and make choices that may be contrary to the feelings of the moment. The epidemic of obesity or the lax moral values of our day can be traced to a lack of self-control and self-discipline. Help you sons learn that they can make choices and sacrifice for something of greater worth. Getting them involved in a sport or music or some other activity that requires some sacrifice and self-discipline is an important step in that process. When they learn that mastering the piano takes many, many hours of practice, often sacrificing other less important activities, will teach them the value of self discipline.And holding them accountable for responsibilities like chores or music practice will help them learn to hold themselves accountable later on.
Set up some rules and impose consequences. Sometimes as adult men we rebel a bit at all of the rules and consequences in our lives and long for younger days when we had more freedom. Living in a world of rules and consequences is a reality we have to help our sons embrace. If you are consistently late for work or leave early, you will eventually face discipline at work, or will at a minimum lose trust with your employer. So help your son commit to live by rules at home and impose consequences when he makes choices to not live by the rules. If you don't teach this principle now, your sons will learn the hard way later and leave a wake of problems behind them.
Teach your sons compassion. The perception that a man has to be emotionless and conceal his feelings is very real, but is harmful to quality relationships. Teach your son about the importance of little kindnesses, of showing compassion for the disadvantaged, of demonstrating love to his family members and friends, and of protecting the environment. These feelings, in their proper place and in balance with the rest of his life, will serve him well as a responsible and strong man.
Teaching by precept and example are critical roles of fathers. Neither the example nor the teaching can be ignored if you hope to raise sons who will be real men, who will be responsible and productive, and who will raise the next generation of young men to do the same.

Written by Wayne Parker
 Wayne Parker is the father of five active children ranging in age from 21 to 32. He has spent over 30 years in local government management and has worked as a consultant and trainer dealing in work-life balance and other career focused issues.  And he has helped many, many fathers with their fatherhood and parenting concerns through his coaching, writing and mentoring.follow him on www.twitter.com/fatherhoodguide

10 Secrets men Should Know About Marriage

                                                    
There are few men who really know what they’re getting into when it comes to getting married. We all have an idea of what marriage is all about. We have hopes, dreams and expectations of what it will look like. We watch movies, TV shows and even observe marriages in the world around us to try and get a glimpse of this thing we call holy matrimony. But we don’t really know until we’re there, do we?
There are some things about marriage that I understood going into it, but there are so many things I could have never fully imagined. To this day, there is still so much that I’m learning. I write about this concept in my new book,True Love Dates—specifically regarding the things marriage can’t do. But marriage can also do a lot. Here are 10 things I have learned about it.

1. Marriage is more intimate than sex

Often, one of the first things bachelors think about when it comes to marriage is sex. But while there is so much value and closeness within the sexual relationship, a good marriage is what makes for good sex, not the other way around.
Before marriage, I don’t think I grasped the real intimacy that comes with committing to this one person for the rest of my life. Marriage is an amazing opportunity to allow another person a look inside your life, your mind, your heart and your very soul. Now that is true intimacy.

2. Marriage reveals selfishness, but can also cultivate selflessness

I didn’t know how selfish I was until I got about six months into my marriage (probably more like six hours, but I’m being generous). From the silly moments of choosing where to eat and who gets the remote, to the more significant things like apologizing and putting your spouse’s needs before your own—you learn that true selflessness is something that has to be lived out. It’s a hard lesson, but also a beautiful reminder of a God who selflessly gave His all for me.

3. Oneness literally means one

We all think of the deep spiritual and physical benefits of oneness, but we don’t always consider the inconvenient parts of it. One house. One bed. One bathroom. One mirror above the bathroom sink. One bank account. One budget.
In marriage, you learn to let go of the “mine and yours” mentality, because everything is truly “ours.” There’s something really hard, but something really beautiful about that. It’s a reminder that at the end of the day what’s mine is yours ... but everything we have is actually His.

4. At some point, you will be disappointed

This one was a hard reality. I am fully aware of my and my husband’s humanity, but for some reason this truth doesn’t really hit home until disappointment hits home.
My husband and I have loved each other deeply, but we’ve also hurt each other deeply. When you allow someone to bury their heart in yours, there’s no doubt that one day, you will feel an ache. Whether In the form of an unkind word, a thoughtless action or a selfish moment, marriage will hurt. But by God’s grace, each wound paves the way for grace, forgiveness and restoration. Each wound is a reminder of our need to love better and more deeply.

5. Like it or not, you will learn the meaning of forgiveness

With the certainty of being wounded comes the reality that you will need to learn forgiveness. The biggest lesson is that true forgiveness comes not because the person standing before you is deserving. Rather, it comes out of a heart that understands how much we’ve been forgiven though we, too, were undeserving.

6. Marriage will cost you

The truth is, you lose a part of yourself within the glory of marriage. You exchange a little bit of who you are for a little bit of who your spouse is. You learn to give and take. You learn to let go of the things that don’t really matter. And in the end, you realize what you’ve given is far less than what you’ve ultimately received. Love is good like that.

7. Love isn’t a feeling, it’s a series of decisions

Before marriage, you can’t really comprehend the strong feelings going anywhere but higher. Then one day you realize that feelings can’t really be trusted, because some days you feel you may not even like each other. Feelings come, but feelings also go. They are a compass, and sometimes a guide, but they are never to be followed.
The test of real love is what you do when you don’t feel like loving. Marriage is constantly choosing to love, to give and to serve because of the commitment you have made. It’s choosing the other instead of choosing yourself. That’s the very definition of love in it’s truest form.

8. Marriage will require you to learn how to communicate

No matter what your communication bent, marriage will require you to take a good hard look at your opinions, beliefs, ideas and feelings—and share them with another. It will cause you to answer the hard questions and speak the difficult truths. Communication is the lifeline between two people. There’s no way around it. It will cause you to take responsibility for not just what you say, but how you say it—tone, body language, sarcasm and all.

9. Marriage is not the end of your destination.

Before you’re married, it’s easy to see marriage as the grande finale. It’s the thing we dream of and live for. And then it finally comes! Now what?
This relationship God has blessed you with is a fraction of the grand scheme He has for your life. Your purpose and passions will extend far beyond the reach of your relationship with your spouse. And God will use the relationship He has given you, too, as the love between you and your spouse is reflected to the world. Marriage is not the end, it’s only the beginning. God has so much more up His sleeve.

10. Marriage gives you a glimpse of so much more

On the same note, you learn a lot about God when you are rubbing up against someone day in and day out. There’s a reason God uses the analogy of marriage to describe His love for His Church. No relationship will ever compare to the intimacy that is exchanged within this earthly connection. God’s love for us magnified through the lens of a healthy marriage, but He also uses this marriage to shape us, refine us and put us through the fire—making us more and more like Him along the way. Reflecting Jesus is the greatest honor we can partake in when it comes to marriage, but more so, it’s the one and only thing that will keep our marriage alive.
There are many routes to holiness, and marriage is definitely one of those routes. I am a different person because of this sacred relationship, and I know God’s not finished with me yet. I’m so thankful for the blessing of marriage, and look forward to what lies ahead.

Written by Debra Fileta

7 things every man needs to know before marriage

                              
My wife and I live in Washington, D.C., a city that’s full of single men who aren’t ready to get married. If they’re anything like I was in my single days, their unwillingness to tie the knot has a lot to do with their unrealistic expectations. Now that I’m seven years into a happy marriage, if I could give some tips to all the single men about adjusting their hopes for life after the wedding, here’s what I would say:
1. You are more difficult to live with than you realize. When you’re single, you don’t usually see how hard it is to be stuck with you. Why? Because your closest relationships are often with buddies or girlfriends you can leave behind whenever things get messy. But if you commit the rest of your life to being with an honest woman, she’s going to let you know that you’re disorganized, that your jokes aren’t funny, or that you constantly break your word. At that point, you’ll either live in denial or change. Either way, if your wife is just telling you the truth in love, you’ll be getting the gift of some hard medicine you’ve probably needed for a long time.
2. No matter how good of a woman your wife is, just like you, she’s got issues. There’s this lie you’ve believed that if you can just find a woman who’s pretty and well-adjusted enough, you’ll marry someone who doesn’t have any major issues. Wrong. Your wife’s insecurities and emotional baggage will be just as intense and vexing as yours, but she’s probably going to work through her issues differently than you do. Depending on how different her personality is, it will be perplexing at times. Try to think of it as a continuing educational experience.

3. The role your mother played in your life is very different than the one your wife will play. Whatever expectations you’ve developed for your relationship with your mom, don’t carry those into marriage. If you’ve chosen a good wife, let her be a good wife in her own right. She might not have all the strengths (or weaknesses) your mom has, but then again, she’s not your mother; she’s your wife. It’s a new day, a new relationship — move on.
4. Married sex can be really awesome. I realize that Hollywood has convinced you that sex is only fun when it’s promiscuous. But there’s something really powerful when a man and woman give themselves solely to each other and spend years sharing the thousands of touches that make them the foremost experts on each other’s pleasure. When that happens, not only is it incredibly satisfying, it deepens their relationship in ways that will far surpass the temporary thrill of casual sex or (more likely) watching porn. And speaking of porn…
5. Make sure your wife is the only one meeting your sexual needs. I realize that most of you would never cheat on your wife with a co-worker (right?), but what you’re much more likely to do is cheat on her with your eyes. Pornography use has become the norm with men today, and recent research is showing that porn addicts rewire their brains to respond to screens, rather than an actual woman. Guys, don’t be lame. Find satisfaction in your wife through real sex that will hopefully lead to real kids. And speaking of kids…
6. Children don't ruin marriages, they bless them (if a couple takes care of their relationship). My wife and I wanted to have children, but we didn’t want to lose our marriage in the process. So within two weeks after both of my children were born, we went on a date, and years later, we’re still dating and building our relationship. As a result, we’ve maintained our friendship and romance while the love in our family has multiplied with children.
7. Pray with your wife. I realize that many of the men reading this article don’t pray at all, but if you do, please keep in mind that spiritual intimacy is one of the best ways to deepen your relationship with your wife. As Ecclesiastes 4:12 says, “A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart.” Make a habit of braiding the Lord into your relationship through prayer, and you’ll find your relationship is much stronger for it.
Come on men — you can do this. You were made for risk and sacrifice, and there’s nothing riskier or more sacrificial than marriage. So go ahead, embrace the challenge. It won’t be what you expected — but with God’s help and some hard work, it can be even better.

 Written by Joshua Rogers
 Joshua Rogers is an attorney and writer who lives in Washington, D.C. You can follow Joshua on twitter.com/MrJoshuaRogers

Senegal:Former President's son Released From Prison

                                     

Karim Wade, the convicted son of former Senegalese president Abdoulaye Wade, has been released from prison in Senegal after being granted a presidential pardon.

Wade was immediately flown to Qatar after President Macky Sall's decree early Friday, local media reported.

He was initially sentenced in 2012 to six years in prison and a fine of $240m for illegally accumulating at least $200m while serving as a minister during his father's 12-year rule.

The court ruling said that Wade had hidden away funds in offshore companies in the British Virgin Islands and Panama.

Despite only serving three years of his full sentence, the pardon cancels the Supreme Court's decision to jail him. A press release from the presidency said the payment of the fine was not covered by the pardon.

Pope:The Church should apologise to gays

                                                  

Pope Francis has said that the Roman Catholic Church should apologise to gay people for the way it has treated them.

He told reporters that the Church had no right to judge the gay community, and should show them respect.
The pontiff also said the Church should seek forgiveness from other people it had marginalised - women, the poor, and children forced into labour.
The Pope has been hailed by many in the gay community for his positive attitude towards homosexuals.
But some conservative Catholics have criticised him for making comments they say are ambiguous about sexual morality.
 Pope Francis said the Church should seek forgiveness from those whom it had marginalised.

"I think that the Church not only should apologise... to a gay person whom it offended but it must also apologise to the poor as well, to the women who have been exploited, to children who have been exploited by [being forced to] work. It must apologise for having blessed so many weapons."
In 2013, Pope Francis reaffirmed the Roman Catholic Church's position that homosexual acts were sinful, but homosexual orientation was not.
"If a person is gay and seeks God and has good will, who am I to judge?" he said

BREAKING NEWS:Lionel Messi retires from international soccer

                                         
Argentina's Lionel Messi, considered by many to be the best player in the world, said he will retire from international soccer.

The news came shortly after his side lost the Copa America final to Chile on penalties.

"This is tough and a difficult time," Messi, the Argentina team captain, said. "The first thing that comes to my mind and that I have thought is that the end has come for me and our team [Argentina]."

He referred to the four major competition finals he has played with Argentina -- all of which he lost.

 "It has been four finals -- it just wasn't for me unfortunately. I looked for it, and wanted it so bad, but it didn't happen for me," he said.