I confess I’m the type of person to hold a grudge. It’s not
that I want power over people, which is often the motive for holding a grudge,
it’s just that I want all-due glory for my suffering.
This is what I mean: if somebody is causing me some pain, I
want them to know I am bearing it for them. For this reason, it’s hard for me
to forgive my enemies. If people slam me on the internet, it’s hard to forgive.
If people screw me in a business deal, it’s hard to forgive, too.
And for so long it seemed there was nothing I could do about
it.
I knew I’d be better off to forgive, but how?
What are the steps to
controlling your uncontrollable emotions?
I don’t fully know the answer to that question. Part of the
reason it’s so hard to forgive is pride. If I forgive someone, it feels like
I’m also saying that the other person had the right to do me wrong. That
doesn’t feel right. But it’s a real feeling.
Even more difficult is having to forgive someone who hasn’t
even recognized they’ve done wrong.
So why forgive?
Before I say why, I should say how. Here’s how:
Go through the stages of grief.
Let the offense shock you, then let it completely hurt you. Don’t
avoid the pain. Sit with it and feel it no matter how unbearable it is.
Please know it will end in time. It will get 2% easier every
day. Just feel it like a toothache and soon enough it will transition into
something bearable.
Then let the offense make you angry.
Don’t lash our or you’ll be guilty yourself. Talk about it
with trusted friends but confess you’re angry and your emotions aren’t under
control. And don’t feel bad for being angry. The last thing you need is anger
and shame.
Just punch a pillow and make it through.
The anger, like the pain, will lessen over time.
Then after being angry, accept what has been done.
Just accept it as a fact and don’t over analyze it. It
happened. This will still be shocking at first, but in time, you will accept it
as a fact that you can’t change.
From there, you’re at a place to forgive. It will be hard
work, but it’s worth it. Sit and pray for the person you’ve been hating. Sit
and imagine them with a good life, them coming to realize that what they did
was wrong, maybe not to you, but to somebody, perhaps to God.
Then be willing to love them in your heart.
Want the best for them. Hope for the best for them. Stop
praying for God to destroy them and pray for God to bless them. Pray for God to
open up their hearts so they can receive the love that will stop them from
hurting others.
This is the only way I know how to forgive.
Why should we forgive?
Well, there are many reasons, but I’m only going to focus on
a few.
The first is because, believe it or not, forgiveness is a
pleasurable experience. No kidding, it feels much better than anger or hate.
God has designed forgiveness as a powerful blessing for those who have been
hurt.
The experience of truly forgiving somebody can make you more
happy than if you’d never been hurt in the first place.
The second reason for you to forgive is that it removes you
from being entangled in the rather dark thing that hurt you in the first place.
If it was a bad business deal, then you get to be free of it
and maintain your integrity. If it was a family member talking behind your
back, you get to remove yourself completely from all the complications of
gossip. Forgiveness sets you free from being bogged down in knee-deep mud.
Forgiveness gives you a taste of what it feels like to be
God, and it’s a terrific feeling. God forgave us because it gave Him pleasure
to do so. He was happy to do so.
Love forgives, and so does God, and so can you.
The third reason to forgive is that you open yourself up to
amazing possibilities for a happy life. When you don’t forgive, you draw the
curtains in your soul and your life gets dark. When you forgive you let the
light in again, and you go on about your life in peace. And don’t you want some
peace? Isn’t it time for some peace?
The greatest thing about forgiveness is it will allow you to
love again. It will allow you to love and be loved.
And believe me, it’s worth it.
Forgiveness is tough, for sure, but love is infinitely more
valuable than the pain forgiveness costs. No matter what you have to go through
to forgive, you’re getting a steal of a deal to be able to love and be loved
again.
Pay the price and I promise you’ll be happy you did.
Written by Donald Miller
Donald Miller has been telling his story for more than a
decade, now he wants to help you tell yours. He’s helped over 1,000 companies
clarify their message through the StoryBrand Workshops.He can be reached through www.storylineblog.com/
