One of the best parts about marriage is being so comfortable with your
hubby that you can say just about anything to him. But if you don't
watch your mouth, sometimes the ugly truth comes out in hurtful—not
helpful––ways. Though you may have legitimate concerns to express or
issues to bring up, doing so in a harsh manner can be damaging in the
long term, to both your husband's feelings and your relationship.
1. "Yes, I had an orgasm." (when you didn't)
Lying is never a
great idea, especially when it comes to sexual intimacy.The definition
of intimacy is letting another person see your vulnerabilities, and
that includes admitting that your sex life might need some S.O.S.
When you pretend you're enjoying sex with your husband, you may think
that you're sparing
his feelings, but you're actually pushing him away by not being honest.
And chances are, you aren't fooling him: The very fact that he's asking
usually means he suspects that something is up.
2. "You're just like your father.
This
is just a no-no.It's nasty and belittling, and it gets at his fear that
he may be exhibiting the worst traits of his family.If you're about to
spout a criticism like this, stop and think about
what's behind it: Maybe your father-in-law is the kind of guy who never
cleans up after himself, and your husband's habit of leaving dirty
dishes around the house is getting to you. You should skip the insult
and get right to a reasonable request, such
as: "Hon, when you're done with your sandwich, can you bring your dish
over to the sink?" That way, you can achieve your goals without hurting
him in the process.
3. "When are you going to find a new job?"
First, figure out why you want him to find a new job so badly. Do you
dislike how much time he spends away from home? Do you think he can or
should be further ahead career-wise? Is he not bringing home a
healthy-enough salary? Before you say anything that could be hurtful to
him, think about what your own issues are,Be particularly careful that you're not attacking his ability to support
you and the kids: Part of how a man evaluates himself is by how well
he can take care of his family,so insulting him in this sensitive area can be a serious blow. To avoid
this, have regular talks about both of your jobs, career ambitions and
budget concerns.
4. "My mother warned me you'd do this!"
Something must have
seriously infuriated you, because what you're doing here is letting him
know that there are other MEN in your camp.You are trying to validate
your 'side' of an argument, as though you're marshalling an army to your
side,But that's never a good idea because it's telling him that you're
not on
his
side, or on the side of your relationship. Though you should never let
the opinions of others' dictate your relationship, if there is some
kernel of truth to a concern that your mother raised, think about how to
address that.
5. "Just leave it––I'll do it myself!
This is hurtful in
two ways. First, it gets at your husband's elemental need to be a
provider, supporter and capable person in the house. Second, it's just
plain demeaning for any adult to hear that his efforts are sub-par. Do
this too often and your husband might think, "I can never do anything
right or anything that'll please her".A better choice is to pick your battles. If he's in the middle of a task
and you think that he's doing it wrong, evaluate whether it really
matters, keeping in mind that, just because he's doing something
differently than you would doesn't mean that he's doing it wrong—he is,
after all, an adult too.
6. "You always... " or "You never... "
These
are two phrases I advise couples never to use,because they set up an
instant, negative tone; they halt communication and they put the other
person on the defensive.These blanket statements can make your husband
feel unfairly attacked,
and chances are he'll just fire back with all the times he
did help.
If there are legitimate problems you'd like to address (he really does
tend to leave his tools all over the garage floor or often forgets to
put gas in the car after driving it), avoid generalizing and try to
focus on the issue at hand while also communicating how his actions make
you feel: "When you come home with an empty tank of gas, I feel like
you don't care about the next person who has to drive the car—which is
usually me." Then add the phrase "would you be willing...,""Would you be
willing to fill up the car when it gets below a quarter
tank?" Most men are willing to do most anything that'll make you happy
7.
"Please watch the kids. But don't do this, take them here or forget that..."
This is a classic
nervous-new-mom move: When you're in anxiety mode, it can be hard to let
go of childcare tasks (even though you would love to have more help).
It's also an attitude that can become a habit no matter how long you've
been a mom, leading to some very unhealthy feelings: You may become
resentful because he doesn't pitch in, but you don't always give him
room to, either. At the end of the day, no husband is going to be
inspired to be a better, more hands-on and involved dad if his every
effort is shot down.
Written by Denise Schipani
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