Read this story carefully and get something from it.Jill is a single mom of a nine-year-old daughter, whom she’s been raising by herself since Haley was an infant. “The hardest part about being a single parent is having no one else there when Haley acts up. It’s all me. She doesn’t listen to me, and then I just don’t know what to do. I’m really getting anxious about her teenage years. I’m not sure if I can keep her on track by myself, she’s so willful.”
If you are a single parent,never live in the past and learn to forgive yourself irrespective of what happened in the past.
Jill is far from being alone. Single parenting is one of the toughest
jobs on the planet, yet more than 80 percent of households in Africa,Europe and America
are headed by just one mother or father.
Here are six ways that can help single parents reading this article:
1. Remember that two is a family. One single parent with one child, that’s a family. In society, just about everything is blamed on single parents and broken homes, and it’s really sad because it’s just not true. The most important thing is not the number of parents in the home, but the parenting.
2. Give up your guilt. What you believe, your kids will
pick up on. If a single parent feels guilty about the dissolution of
the marriage, their ability to provide financially, or any other reason,
kids will work that. But if a parent says “This is the way it is for
us, we’ll make the best of it, we’re going to do just fine,” the child
picks up on that confidence, security and commitment instead. If the
single parent feels guilty and thinks they have to “make something up”
to their children, the kids can start to feel either deprived or
entitled.
3. Let your kids know they’re needed in the family. One of the biggest problems with children today is that they’re not “needed” in the family. They’re not given enough responsibilities and are not expected to meet the ones they have. But a single parent can truthfully say, “We’re a team, we can share the responsibility.” Give your kids opportunities to feel needed and valued. Give them real responsibilities in the home such as helping with laundry or dinner (depending upon the child’s age.) Single parents can look at this as an opportunity, and say, “Wow, I really do need my kids.”
4. Solve problems together.
3. Let your kids know they’re needed in the family. One of the biggest problems with children today is that they’re not “needed” in the family. They’re not given enough responsibilities and are not expected to meet the ones they have. But a single parent can truthfully say, “We’re a team, we can share the responsibility.” Give your kids opportunities to feel needed and valued. Give them real responsibilities in the home such as helping with laundry or dinner (depending upon the child’s age.) Single parents can look at this as an opportunity, and say, “Wow, I really do need my kids.”
4. Solve problems together.
The more you get them involved in “What’s the problem and what’s the
solution?” the more they’ll feel motivated to follow those rules. I
think problems come up when parents start to dictate the rules, and
single parents may feel they need to be more punitive to keep control.
We’re so afraid that if we don’t add punishment, we’re letting the child
get away with something. I believe in allowing children to experience
the consequences of their choices. Don’t “ball them out and then bail
them out.” If your child is careless, leaves his bike in the driveway
and it gets run over, a parent might punish him by saying, “OK, I’m not
buying you a new bike and you can’t ride your bike anymore this summer.”
But they’ve already experienced the consequence: they’ve experienced
loss or sadness by losing the bike. Instead, if you focus on solutions
with your children, you can help them be more responsible.
5. What happens at the ex’s house stays at the ex’s house.
When another parent or an ex-spouse is involved, things can get complicated, especially if the rules of the other household your child spends time in are different. Often children will try to negotiate with you based on what goes on at your ex’s place. When your kids don’t want to follow your family’s rules, say, “This is how we do things in our home.” Don’t let yourself be blackmailed or controlled by the ex and the rules (or lack thereof) in the ex’s home.
6. Have regular family meetings with kids. This is important for all families, but is particularly helpful for single parents as it serves to provide structure. Sit down once a week and focus on what’s happening in the family. I advise parents to start the meeting with compliments, verbalize those, and then focus on solutions to problems that are cropping up together.
5. What happens at the ex’s house stays at the ex’s house.
When another parent or an ex-spouse is involved, things can get complicated, especially if the rules of the other household your child spends time in are different. Often children will try to negotiate with you based on what goes on at your ex’s place. When your kids don’t want to follow your family’s rules, say, “This is how we do things in our home.” Don’t let yourself be blackmailed or controlled by the ex and the rules (or lack thereof) in the ex’s home.
6. Have regular family meetings with kids. This is important for all families, but is particularly helpful for single parents as it serves to provide structure. Sit down once a week and focus on what’s happening in the family. I advise parents to start the meeting with compliments, verbalize those, and then focus on solutions to problems that are cropping up together.
Written by Dr. Jane Nelsen
Dr. Jane Nelsen is an Educational Psychologist from
the University of San Francisco and is a licensed Marriage, Family and
Child Therapist.She has appeared on Oprah and the Sally Jessy Raphael Show.
Most importantly, Dr. Nelsen’s methods have been tested in her own
home—she is the mother of seven children and the grandmother of twenty.
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