There is no disputing the fact that the home or the conditions in which a
child grows up in determine the eventual outcome of that child. The
home is the first school of life the child is enrolled in and where that
home fails to provide lessons that would mould and keep the child
grounded, such individual ends up exhibiting some questionable
personality traits or character flaws.
The role of both parents can, therefore not be overemphasized. The
presence of the father as breadwinner, authority figure and role model
should instil in the child the discipline and focus required to succeed
in life. Consequently, the presence of the mother as care giver, support
system (both morally and spiritually) and disciplinarian is needed to
guide the child through the right paths in life. One should also note
that other members of the family at large have their distinct roles to
play in ensuring that the child is brought up properly where he does not
end up becoming a menace to the society.
The parents are the primary authority figures in the child’s life and
their attitude or actions in the home towards the child, with each other
and with others, could make or mar the child depending on the level of
influence or quality of value instilled in the child. Where at an early
age, the child is exposed to circumstance that contradicts the normal
status quo in the family, that child is bound to pick up harmful social
vices. For instance, if a child grows up in a home where the father as
an authority figure tries to exert that authority by being overbearing
and harsh, this could lead to the child becoming insecure or intimidated
by the father. In some extreme cases where the father beats both wife
and children, it leaves a lasting impression on the children who believe
that a man has the right to deal with his family as he sees fit even to
the extent of becoming physically abusive. The boy child who grows up
with this mentality takes this attitude to his own home and continues
the cycle. This does not in any way encourage the emergence of notable
and honourable men in the society.
Experts believe that most of the time, individuals tend to model an
aspect of their parents they observed while growing up. A child exposed
to physical abuse at home almost always ends up abusing his peers
physically. A background check on most bullies in schools reveals that
the circumstances in the home front are responsible for the child
lashing out on his mates.
Another instance is a case where the child witnesses regular fights and
arguments between his parents. This is not a healthy environment for the
child to grow up in because children are very emotional and are
susceptible to whatever vibes the parents send.
A child exposed to negative vibes in the home due to quarrels and
arguments becomes mentally and psychologically imbalanced because it
usually takes a loving and peaceful atmosphere to develop a child’s
psyche.
Most children respond better and quicker in school if the home front is
peaceful and loving, but where the home is chaotic, the child is usually
moody in school and not quick to grasp what is being taught. An
instance is given of a boy in church who sat apart from other children
crying. When asked what the matter was, he responded by saying that his
parents had a fight that morning before coming to church and that made
him very sad. The said parents were seen in church sitting together and
smiling at friends pretending that nothing happened but the child who
witnessed the fight was unable to get over it and could not play with
his peers or respond to what was being taught.
Parents are however advised not to air their disputes in front of the
children because it is not usually easy for them to get over such
graphic display of emotions. In instances where one of the child’s
biological parents is absent like where the father marries another wife
or vice versa, the balance usually shifts as a stepparent will not
provide the adequate emotional nurturing the child needs. A step-mother
who has her own children will not love her step-child the way she would
her own. She would be partial even when she tries to give the impression
that she is not, and when the child seeks for approval and attention
from a mother who does not give it, that child closes up and adopts a
defense mechanism against emotional rejection. The girl child can seek
attention elsewhere which could lead to her ending up in a dangerous
relationship with a man. The boy child would seek to find that approval
from friends and would end up doing daring things that would earn him
the admiration of his friends. This could range from smoking, stealing
or sexual exploits. The absent father does not notice the neglect of the
child by the step-mother and does not intervene appropriately, leaving
the child on his own to do what he pleases.
Sadly, the parents ignore these tell-tale signs and believe that they
can compensate the lack of love and attention by showering gifts and
money, but these can never substitute for the love and attention the
child requires to grow up healthy and balanced. A child that has to deal
with the abandonment of the father ends up having a warped relationship
with people; where trust becomes an issue. For the girl child, she
tends to believe that all men in her life would act like her father and
leave eventually so she closes up to most relationships and if left
unchecked, such person becomes a social recluse and misses out on making
meaningful relationships, distrusting men and people generally. The boy
believes that instead of trying to work out the issues in his
relationship, he can walk out when he feels like it.
Parents are usually advised not to drag their children into their
dispute because then the child is forced to take sides and this could
lead to emotional blackmail where the child only gets what he wants if
he supports one parent against the other. This should not be the case
because a child needs to feel loved no matter what he does or says. The
truth is that whatever problems a society is battling with can be traced
to the upbringing and mentality of the individuals. Train a child in
the right ways, instill good moral values and watch the transformation
of that society and the nation at large.
Written by Anthony Brown
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