Imagine, for just a moment, a world where no one cared what
car you drove, what designer handbag you carried, or what job you worked at.
Can you sense the freedom?
But this isn’t reality, because we do care. And because we care we’ve developed habitual
masks to please and impress others.
We all wear masks.
There’s a good
chance, too, you change your masks so habitually you don’t even notice doing
it. Maybe you’ve done it your entire life.
What mask do you
wear?
How do you feel about the face you’re portraying for the
world to see? Are you truly yourself? Do you feel that you can be you, no
matter what social situation you’re in?
In your mind, gather up everyone you know and put them in a
room, friends, family, co-workers, and acquaintances. Everyone is surely
cautiously mingling with their masks perfectly placed. But then, imagine a
strong wind gust sweeps through the party, blowing all masks off. It’s mayhem,
faces are exposed, for maybe the first time, wrinkles and all.
Now imagine that instead of using this vulnerability against
one another you patted each other on the back, encouraged uniqueness and
supported one another.
Why are we so afraid to be authentic?
Even when our masks irritate our skin, and we can’t relax or
be ourselves, we still resist change.
This epic performance is a huge drain on our minds, bodies
and souls. It’s a hard act to constantly pretend to be, or feel like you need
to be, someone else. Similarly, it’s very draining to regularly act like you
feel one way when you really feel another.
Becoming authentic is a process to begin knowing ourselves.
To understand our own personality traits, behaviors, values, beliefs, needs,
goals and motives. It’s having the courage to acknowledge our limitations, and
embrace our own vulnerability.
Make a list of words that describe the person you want to
be. Look deep inside and concentrate on who you are, not what you do. Are you
passionate, nerdy, curious, loving?
You’ll know when you’ve discovered authenticity because your
thoughts, beliefs and actions will originate deep from within and they’ll be
resistant to external pressures. The result of this authenticity is a genuine,
quiet, vitalizing fulfillment and confidence that resists anxiety, self-doubt
and stress.
Wearing a mask protects us from vulnerability. I fear that
if I stand tall and exposed, I’ll be “weak” in some way. But when you wear a
mask you stand in resistance to your true life and end up attracting realities
that conflict with who you really are.
Below are five common masks we wear and keep tucked in our
costume drawer. It’s time to retire
them.
The June Cleaver
The “Positive” Persona
Scrolling through Facebook I have the urge to stand and clap
wildly. What a performance. Wow. It’s almost flawless. Almost.
We are all performing, all of the time. We pretend we have
it all together, that everything is perfect.
There are many different types of June Cleaver masks. The spiritual June
Cleaver, the superficial confident June Cleaver, the overly friendly June
Cleaver, and all these masks are usually wrapped in fake smiles. I look at my
own profile and feel shameful at the façade I too, am portraying.
I am such a fraud, my life is far from perfect, far from the
rosy pictures I’ve posted. Knowing this causes my self-esteem to come shattering
around me, because I begin to feel as though my life should be perfect by now,
after all everyone else’s is.
Most of us are guilty of this façade and it’s causing many
friends and loved ones to feel hopeless, shameful, and sad. I’m sure that’s not
the reaction we’d hoped for.
Recently a friend confided that her marriage was struggling.
At first I felt the urge to give her advice, a tip from my own perfect
marriage. But I didn’t, instead, I let my guard down, displayed a smidgen of
vulnerability and confessed that my own marital satisfaction had been declining
after the birth of our son.
She commented, “I would have never guessed this, you two
seem perfect.”
We shared our struggles and for a brief moment retired our
June Cleaver masks.
We later learned many of our other friends had similar
issues. No one’s life was perfect, despite what we want everyone to believe.
Show Us You’re Imperfections. I Dare You.
Why can’t we admit that we’re perfectly imperfect? Our
imperfections make us human, unique and relatable.
I know you’re not going to believe this, but I am far from
perfect. I can be controlling, unfair to my husband and I have wrinkles and bad
skin.
Admit it, you too have a few hairs on your chin.
Life is life, it will never be perfect. But exposing your
true imperfect self opens you up to a world of deeper, meaningful, and
supportive relationships.
The Arnold Schwarzenegger
The Over Contrived
“Strength” Persona
I’m amazed at how many people pretend to be strong even when
everything is falling apart inside.
Coping with everything life throws is tough.
From the outside, others seem to be holding it all together.
Just like you. Just like me.
The Albert Einstein
The “Intellectual”
Persona
“We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about
what we pretend to be.” — Kurt Vonnegut
It’s pretty tempting to strut your own stuff. The problem
is, it’s obnoxious.
We all want to feel special.
Maybe teachers and parents praised you for being the “smart” kid in
school, this praise felt great, and so you want to keep it coming.
Suddenly being “special” and “smart” is very important. This
need for validation continues into adulthood.
This leads to what’s known as “the imposter syndrome,” not a
diagnosed condition, but a label to describe the self-doubt that many people,
especially high achievers experience. It’s the gnawing feeling of knowing deep
inside you’re not perfect or superior — because no one is — and this gnawing
feeling makes you jumpy, like your always on the verge of being “found out.”
Feeling special, influential, valuable, or better than
others can be an encouraging and motivating feeling, who doesn’t want to be
Albert Einstein, after all he did develop the theory of relativity. But you
can’t avoid failure, and you can avoid disappointment. There will always be a
“smarter” Albert Einstein lurking in the shadows, ready to expand on your
quantum physics discovery.
When we throw that mask away and no longer put so much
emphasis on being “special,” we can taste freedom, we can just be whoever we
actually are. We stop draining our energy maintaining this persona. We grow the
wisdom to understand that mistakes and failures are a part of the human
experience. When you stop searching yourself and everyone around you for the
“special” and “superior” qualities, and start appreciating basic humanity, then
special qualities naturally arise.
Superiority is only an illusion. It’s not real, we are all
special and unique, yet also all strangely the same. Why not listen instead of
pretending you know everything. Take space, contemplate, think before you speak
and be humble. Give others a chance to talk, dream, and brainstorm.
The Mother Theresa
The “Nice” Persona
Like most people, I want to be liked by everyone. I’m a
people pleaser. I want to keep people around at all costs. And that cost, was
sacrificing my own happiness to make others happy.
Many of us fear if we put our own needs first, we’ll
alienate those around us and end up lonely.
I usually agreed with others, would never dare say no, felt afraid
to stand up to people, and was deathly afraid of conflict. I often complained
people weren’t treating me right or returning my own kindness, but then I would
keep on giving anyway.
I was a door mat.
It’s time to leave this Mother Theresa in doormatville and
move on. We all need to appreciate ourselves and what we have to offer.
Learn to say no. Take yourself off of the “yes” autopilot.
The Oscar the Grouch
The “Grumpy” Persona
My neighbor is a “grumpy old man.” He snarls at children running on his grass,
grumbles when my mail gets delivered to his house and snaps his blinds shut in
the daytime.
What purpose could this mask possibly bring, because we all
know that at the core of most people are good person, not someone who is always
grumpy and mean.
Being a jerk is an intimidation factor, but unless you’re
the tax collector, you’re obviously overcompensating for a lack of confidence.
Perhaps you drive a very large automobile, and take up two
parking spots too?
Macho behavior, bullying, and aggression are often attempts
to protect the fragile self-esteem.
For whatever reason you’ve been hurt and this mask protects
you from being embarrassed, hurt or rejected again. This mask is usually a sign
that someone is lonely, scared, and fearful.
But ironically wearing this mask only isolates you more from
others.
Stop projecting your own painful elements onto people.
Really you just need a big hug.
What you resist, persists. Wearing this mask is a warning
signals that something is unresolved in yourself. Carl Jung said, “If you do
not know and own the darker aspects of yourself, you will project your own
negative repressed elements on other people.”
Some people are just plain mean. Some people love to put
other’s down and grumble
Written by Tina Williamson
Tina is a student of Buddhism, meditation and yoga. She
writes about cultivating happiness through mindfulness at her own blog:
Barefoot Beginnings. Tina lives near cottage country in Ontario, Canada with
her husband and two dogs. Also an animal lover she enjoys photography, travel
and nature. But mostly, she’s just a free spirit trying to follow the path. You
can also follow her on Twitter @mindful_dawn,
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