Destructive relationship patterns can get
passed down from one generation to the next. Here's how you can set a
new precedent for your future family.
Boys who witness domestic violence in their own home are three times more likely to become batterers.
Children of alcoholics are much more likely to
perpetuate the cycle of alcoholism in their own lives … they have a
four-fold increased risk of becoming alcoholics as adults compared with
the general population.
One's dysfunctional personal behavior becomes a
model or example to the next generation, and the cycle can be repeated
over and over again.
"(I) …the LORD your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sins of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of whose who hate me …" (Exodus 20:5, emphasis added). Dysfunction does beget dysfunction. So how do I change this?
1. Become aware of your family's destructive relationship patterns. This is the first step in moving toward healthy functioning. You can't teach what you don't know, and you can't change what you're not aware of. Awareness is a big first step.
2. Take ownership of your own actions, attitudes, beliefs and emotions. Admit, "It's my problem. I need help. I'm the one needing an attitude adjustment. I may be the one who's wrong in this situation." Whether you know all your dysfunctional ways or not, take responsibility for the ones you know.
3. Purposely observe, compare and contrast other families' interactions with how your family handles similar situations. Have you noticed other family groups who — in your way of thinking — are just plain weird? They don't overreact to anything it seems. They speak their minds. They listen and actually hear each other. None of this is how your family interacted. That's what makes it seem so weird to you. What do they do? How do they interact? What do they believe that makes them different and more stable or healthy?
4. Do Google searches on:
- The rules of dysfunctional family systems
- Family roles or scripts
- Read up on what it means to be the: Addict, Enabler, Hero, Scapegoat, Clown or the Lost Child. Which one sounds like you?
- Codependency/enabling
- Adult attachment pain
- Adult children of alcoholics — even if there was no alcohol in your house
- Boundaries in relationships
- Signs somebody may be manipulating in a relationship
- What is healthy in a friendship?
- What is an accurate way for me to see me?
- How am I supposed to treat a person of the opposite sex?
- What is my belief system? How do I think? What do I think?
- What assumptions do I have, and what perceptions do I cling to so tightly?
6. Read Proverbs. It identifies many healthy — and unhealthy — ways of living and relating. Ask God to open your eyes and mind to what true and healthy living looks like and what changes you need to make.
Do all these things with the goal of becoming aware of and changing the dysfunctional ways you learned as a child.
7. Practice. Healthy living is learned experientially. Awareness and understanding is your starting place. Now it's practice, practice, practice. It's not natural, yet it will be.
With practice comes "trial and error" which means there will be some "errors" in your practicing. That's normal; it's OK. This brings us to the last point.
8. Be patient with yourself and others. Patience is one of the functional ways of dealing with the world.
"But from everlasting to everlasting the LORD's love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children's children—with those who keep his covenant and remember to obey his precepts" (Psalm 103:17, emphasis added).
You're not condemned to repeat how your parents parented. You don't have to be a 25-year veteran of healthy living before you pass functional relationship patterns on to the next generation. All you need to be is one step ahead of where they are.
It takes one generation to turn the tide from God's punishment to one of God's love being passed down.
Written by Tim Sandford
