Dealing With the Past When You're Remarried

                                        
Three days into our honeymoon, my husband, Gil, asked me to sit down so we could talk. He said, "I have to get this out in the open. I struggle with suspicion of you not being faithful." The issue came up several times in the first few years we were married, and I often asked myself, Why is he thinking like this? Haven't I done everything I know to do to help him trust me and feel secure in our relationship?
But in Gil's first marriage, he had similar concerns about his wife. Some were unfounded … but others were not.
Because both Gil and I were previously married, we each brought memories, habits, history and concerns from our past into our new marriage. As we realized how these things affected our relationship, we learned the importance of acknowledging the emotions and being able to talk about them. You, too, may experience some emotions in a second marriage that are reflective of things that happened in your first marriage, so here are some tips to help you deal with them:

Mistaken reactions

Let's say that your husband makes a comment about something another woman said at lunch. This touches a nerve in you. You're frustrated with him, and he doesn't pick up on your attitude until you erupt in an angry outburst. He attempts to reassure you that it was nothing at all, just a meeting with other business associates.
As you process the events and the discussion, once again you have to acknowledge that your first husband used lunch meetings as a cover for an affair.This painful truth explains why anything remotely related to such a meeting now has a way of triggering old memories for you.
When a word, statement or action triggers an intense emotional reaction, we call these "bare wires." Often, the trigger is an innocent comment or gesture that you somehow relate to your first marriage, maybe specifically to your ex. The emotion is raw because of past hurt or broken trust. Whenever you're in a similar situation — perhaps only slightly similar — the negative emotions resurface even though the threat is not what it was in the previous relationship.
Still, elements of suspicion, distrust, envy, broken promises and disregard for your feelings and needs can set you off. Your ability to cope with and understand those situations is impaired by your past experiences. You try not to be defensive or to withdraw from your new spouse, but keeping your emotions in check becomes a constant battle.
A first step toward healing will include acknowledging to your spouse that you have bare wires. Because your new husband or wife is a safe place for you, trust and vulnerability can act like electrical tape to cover the exposed wire in your heart — insulating and repairing it to help bring closure.

Overwhelming memories

Soon after we were married, Gil and I planned for a bonding weekend with the kids. Our friends Bruce and Vicky had offered to share their lake house with us, so we were excited to get away and create some new history with our blended family.
Shortly after we arrived at the lake, I started feeling unsettled and depressed. At first I tried to ignore the emotions, but soon realized I needed some privacy to sort out my feelings. I could not stop crying. Eventually I realized I was missing my "old family." I was supposed to be here with my ex and just our kids. I was grieving the loss of my previous family and the fun vacations we had taken together. But mixed in with the grief was a sense of guilt. I wondered, Don't I appreciate my new family?
When Gil and I talked about it later, we agreed that this type of internal struggle that catches us off guard is like a "sneaker wave" — an unexpected wave on the beach that knocks you off your feet. When you and your spouse understand this phenomenon, you can label those difficult events more clearly. By exposing what is going on in your heart and your head, your spouse will know that you're not upset with him or her — you're just dealing with past issues.

Old habits

Current behavior patterns are often connected to your past experiences. In the context of a new marriage, you probably need to approach the current environment with different habits. I recognized my need to trade in old habits for new ones when financial insecurities from my first marriage were defining my emotional responses to Gil.
My ex worked in sales, and his income reflected how much he sold. Some months were steak and lobster months; others were rice and beans months. I felt that I needed to know what was going to be on our plates each month, so I began nagging my ex about his sales numbers every week. Defenses went up and tension would build between us.
When Gil and I first married, he worked in sales, too. When I would ask where he was with his sales for the month, he would nonchalantly respond, "I don't know." And I fell into the same pattern as before: I hit the roof.
Instead of hurting this new man in my life, I needed to exchange the old tapes that played in my mind (and the words that I spoke) for new tapes that reflected trust in my marriage. So I promised Gil that I would watch my tongue before blurting out anything that had to do with finances.
I kept my word, and two interesting things happened. Gil voluntarily started sharing his sales totals with me each week. And I felt as though I was in a fresh place with God — the One who makes sales happen. My ability to trust the Lord put my heart at ease and kept financial stress from coming between Gil and me.
Many remarried couples simply go back to their old ways of dealing with things — thinking that their new spouse is deceptive, selfish or intentionally picking a fight. Rather than responding to your new spouse according to your past hurts, we recommend that when an old habit threatens to surface, you take 20 minutes to regroup before saying a word. If you stop to think before reacting to something that triggers your defenses, you allow yourself to say to your spouse, "I love you enough to be uncomfortable; I trust you."
Remember, this is a new relationship. Get rid of the old patterns and start forming new habits together … today!

Written by Brends Stuart

The Power of a Mother's Love

                              

Mother love shapes cultures and individuals. While most mothers know that their love and emotional availability are vital to their children's well-being, many of us do not understand the profound and long-lasting impact we have in developing our young children's brains, teaching them first lessons of love, shaping their consciences … At a time when society urges women to seek their worth and personal fulfillment in things that take them away from their families and intimate bonds, Hunter invites women to come home — to their children, their best selves, their hearts.

You and I need to be willing to look inside our own experiences to identify any places we may still be affected by our relationship with our own mother. We can begin that journey by simply being willing to search our heart and better understand ourselves. Professional counseling may also be a valuable part of that process. Laura Ingalls Wilder said, "What is there in the attitude of your children toward yourself that you wish were different? Search your own heart and learn if your ways toward your own mother could be improved." This is important whether your mother is still living or not. You and I are deeply affected by our relationship with our mother and one of the most powerful gifts we can give to our children is our own emotional health. A first step you can take on this journey is reading The Mom I Want to Be by T. Suzanne Eller. This book is designed to help you rise above your past and give your kids a great future.
A child should never feel as if they need to earn a mother's love. This will leave a void in their heart all of their life. A mother's love needs to be given unconditionally to establish trust and a firm foundation of emotional intimacy in a child's life. If love is withheld, a child will look for it in a million other ways, sometimes throughout their lifetime unless they come to some sort of peace with their past. The emotional foundation we give our children at home is foundational to their life. We cannot underestimate the value of home and the power of mother love.

It's All About Influence

The profession of motherhood is all about influence. You and I have an incredible opportunity to influence the next generation by what we do as a mother every day. This is why intentionality is so important during the years that we raise our family. Be intentional about your own healing from life's hurts. Be intentional about taking care of yourself. Be intentional about investing in your marriage. Be intentional about parenting. Be intentional about homemaking. Intentionality increases influence, and influence is something God asks us to be intentional about. We cannot underestimate the power of mother love, the value of home and the significance of our intentional presence in the home.

Written by Jill Savage

Avoid Mistakes That Single Women Make

                                         
Think that the problem with your love life is simply being unable to find a good catch? Think it has to do with cosmic error? Maybe it's time to shift that paradigm and consider that it might be what you as a single woman are thinking and doing that is contrary to the full life God has in store for you.
Popular author and speaker Michelle McKinney Hammond, who has lived and written extensively on the subject of singleness, has shared her wisdom and humor in such popular titles as The DIVA Principle®, 101 Ways to Get and Keep His Attention, Sassy, Single, & Satisfied, Secrets of an Irresistible Woman, What to Do Until Love Finds You, A Sassy Girl’s Guide to Loving God, and The Power of Being a Woman. Now, the founder and president of HeartWing Ministries and cohost of the Emmy–nominated show Aspiring Women seeks to quell those common concepts that can plague a single woman in her latest book,HOW TO AVOID THE 10 MISTAKES SINGLE WOMEN MAKE.
For those who are dying to know what those ten mistakes are, here is the rundown:

1. Placing marriage on a pedestal next to God
2. Using singleness as an excuse to not get on with the business of living
3. Embracing the Cinderella syndrome and waiting for the perfect prince to rescue you
4. Missing the significance of the present moment
5. Being short-sighted about life
6. Falling down on the job of life
7. Being completely self-involved
8. Neglecting the most important person in your life next to God – you
9. Subjecting your heart to foolish choices
10. Giving up and caving in

So now that you have the overview and you are curious for more, I am going to share with you the highlights of the interview I did recently with Michelle. I have divided the Q&A into three categories: reality check, reaping a good harvest, and the value of a man. Now, don't be like most women I know and skip to the man part: You need to get the whole picture. Take it all in, and I pray that Michelle's words of wisdom will help keep you on the straight and narrow path to a blessed life in the Lord.

REALITY CHECK
Of the 10 mistakes, what is the area that most women struggle with?
I would say the biggest one is not planning for their future because they are still dwelling in the midst of the fantasy that someone is going to rescue them from the life that they are living.
It sounds like a paradigm shift is needed because the whole idea that we grow up with as girls is Cinderella. We have that receiver mentality, as opposed to a giver. How can we make that switch?
We all still dream of meeting the rich man, but there are only so many of them. But basically, necessity pushes you into accepting that and making the shift because it is just not a reality.
At one point, you had to do that yourself because there is a point where you are like, OK, God, I am 30-something. You are starting to think, Maybe I need to buy my own house. When did it hit you?
Well, my friends all pounced on me. I would say my friends all had interventions with me! Thank God for that accountability structure. About four years ago is when it set in for me. I got to the place where I had to settle into the fact that I might not get married, and that wasn’t disturbing to me anymore because I really have a very enjoyable life, but just let’s deal with the reality if you don’t get married. What would you like your life to look like? Would you like to have a stable home? What would you like in it? So I really started planning.
I was reading in Song of Solomon when the Shulamite got married to the king. She had a vineyard to give to the king, and I thought, I don’t really have anything to give to someone even if they enter my life. I have nothing to bring to the party. So even for the sake of smart financial sense and planning for your future overall, whether you are married or not, it makes sense to purchase a piece of real estate or have investments so that you have something to contribute to your life, because life isn’t cheap anymore and not many people are living it on one income.
REAPING A GOOD HARVEST
How would you define a full life for a woman?
I think that a full life is peace with God first of all; and then rich, invested relationships that make you thrive and make the people in your life thrive because you are in their lives; and then a sense of accomplishment, of fulfilling your purpose, of discovering your gifts and exploiting them to the utmost to serve other people. And somehow the windfall is that you also get blessed in the process. But the first motivation is to serve people with your gifts. Then the abundance to yourself comes from that.
What other qualities should we as women nurture in order to be a good wife?
I think that the heart of a servant is an important thing. Service is a lost art in our society today. You go to the store, and they act like they are doing you a favor when they are being paid to serve you. I think that that translates over into home life and our relationships, where we are not as sensitive to the art of being a servant anymore. Yet that is high on God’s list if we are to be the man or the woman that God has called us and created us to be. Just cultivate the heart of a servant to everyone around you. Then it will automatically be a habit once this person comes into your life – you are as busy thinking about how to serve them as opposed to getting something out of them. Love is not about what we get; it’s about what we give: ‘God so loved the world that He GAVE,’ not that He took.
We are supposed to be like Jesus. We are here to serve. And I think a lot of us women are not there. We have forgotten how to sow. What things should we be sowing into our lives?
I go back to service again – and that’s just beyond your inner circle, because I think that sometimes we fool ourselves into thinking we are serving when we pick people to serve that we get something out of. If you are going to the old folk’s home where they can’t give you anything but love, that’s a real act of service, or you are visiting children in the hospital, or you are picking someone who really has a great need but can’t give you anything back but love.
We have got to become aware of the world at large, aware of people’s needs and how we can sow into that. God says that pure religion is that we take care of the widows and the orphans, so sowing into the lives of someone we might never see is an act of service and something that brings pleasure to the heart of God.
Also, sowing into yourself, taking care of yourself. We have this habit of letting ourselves go because there is no one looking at the time. You never know who is watching. You can’t wait until the man shows up and then run to Bally’s and try to get it all off. So sowing into yourself in the area of taking good care of yourself, watching what you eat, cultivating the woman God created you to be so that you are always operating at your best.
Sowing into your workplace, sowing excellence. Sowing is about reaping a harvest that glorifies God. That reaches all fronts of our lives. Sow into your life financially, saving money, tithing, placing a value on spiritual things, not being moved by emotionalism but really making rational decisions about how you want to sow into the kingdom of God.
When you get to be a single over 30 or over 40, you can isolate yourself because so many of your friends have gotten married. How do you build authentic community in that respect?
You know what? I have had the same friends for over 20 years. I think that you don’t get rid of friends when life changes. Your friendships move to another level. People should not go away. They might go to another place inside your heart, based on their schedules and yours, but you should always have good touch points.
I have friends for over 20 years in my inner circle, and our lives have all drastically changed. Two of those ladies are married, one is getting married. So I am the last single one standing in my inner group. I travel the most. One is a pastor of a church, the other has a high-profile advertising job, and the other one is a housewife. So our lives are drastically different, yet we built a ritual for ourselves to stay in touch; that is, every four months --well, each of our birthdays actually fall within a quarter. That day is carved out. It’s our day to get together and pray for one another, to serve one another, to bless one another, and if a crisis arises, then we are there on a more consistent basis. We touch base at least once a week in a conversation. That is a ritual that we established.
THE VALUE OF A MAN
What a blessing to your future spouse when he is not the only one fulfilling your needs!
Right. Well, he can’t. I think that that is another one of the mistakes that single women make is that they expect the man to come and fill in all the blanks in their life. First of all, God is not going to allow him to do that. If that were possible, we wouldn’t need God. And God is never going to allow someone to remove the need for Himself in our lives. In the process of understanding why a man is in your life, it is certainly not for him to fill in all the blanks. As a matter of fact, he is probably going to create a few more blanks for God to fill in in your life because as iron sharpens iron, so two friends sharpen one another. Well, guess what two mates do? They sharpen each other even more. The person in your life is going to make you grow and is going to stretch you beyond where you are. You are going to encounter more blanks than the few blanks that you had.
Sometimes we check some guy off our list, even though he can be potentially growth building.
That’s why I ask people, ‘What do you want your relationship to look like? What do you want your life to look like? Is this person conducive to getting you there? OK, they are pushing your buttons, but are they pushing good buttons that you needed to push yourself?’
Accomplished, attractive, career-wise women can be completely scary to single Christian men. How can we be accomplished but not scary?
By being more interested in them than you are in yourself. A lot of times we are very impressed with ourselves, and we like to share all that we have done with everyone we meet. Perhaps that is not necessary.
I think that we should be like a good country: you just discover beautiful things about the person, and it’s not all thrown into your face at the same time. You allow people to take the journey through you and discover all those wonderful little sights along the way, that it’s not an overwhelming picture.
Because the man lives to be the important person in your world, when you meet that man, you have got to be more interested in him than you are in yourself or in letting him know how interesting you are. In the midst of that, he starts to feel really good about himself, and people get addicted to us based on how they feel when they are in our presence. So, if he knows that every time he is with you he feels important and special, then all that other stuff is not going to overwhelm him. If you make him feel first, he will latch onto that feeling.
You also mentioned the difference between men and women. Women have the power of influence, whereas guys have authority. Would you explain the difference?
Men are the head of God, and women are the heart of God, so we know that even when authority is set in a place, if I am not influenced to yield to that authority, it doesn’t make a bit of difference. In that case, influence ultimately becomes more powerful than authority, because influence changes the heart and changes the mind of a person, and that’s what relegates their behavior. So God gave us this incredible gift to touch and inspire and exhort and encourage people and make them believe that they can do anything.
Sometimes I think as women, when we get into relationships with men, because of ideas from the culture or because we are into our careers we can think, ‘I am second to this dude.’ We have this philosophy that he has all the power.
This is not a contest. It is about being a team player. And in a team, no one is ever on the same level, but they all work together to win the game. Power shifts on a team from player to player, depending on what’s most important at the time. If we can just get over this ego trip of who is the most powerful person here. That’s not even relevant to what we are trying to accomplish. That’s certainly not submitting one to another. If Jesus, who is the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords, can come and wash people’s feet and live like he lived, who are we to have an ego trip?

Written by Rebecca

Muslim woman brutally attacked in northern Germany

                                                    
A man is under investigation for assault after he allegedly beat a Muslim woman over the weekend in the northern city of Kiel.
Witnesses says that the 55-year-old man from Kiel yelled "shit Muslims" before launching an unprovoked attack on the 35-year-old woman.
Police say she suffered multiple bruises and a broken nose as a result of the attack.
 Hate crimes across Germany rose dramatically in 2015 after Germans took in a massive influx of refugees.Islamophobia has also become much more widespread,a recent study shws.

BREAKING NEWS:Nigerian Veteran Actress,Bukky Ajayi, is dead.

                          
Veteran Nollywood actress, Bukky Ajayi, is dead.Mummy Ajayi died today, July 6 at the age of 82.
The ailing movie icon who had been confined to a wheel chair has been battling with a heart-related disease.She died about some few minutes ago.

Mama Bukky Ajayi as she is fondly referred to studied drama at the Institute of Drama, London. She later worked a while in London before coming to Nigeria where she started a broadcasting career as an announcer, presenter and newscaster at Nigerian Television Authority. Ajayi was a part of the now rested TV series Village Headmaster. She is seen by many as a living legend of the Nigerian film industry. Despite her advanced age, she still goes on movie location. UPDATE: Burial of Late Bukky Ajayi at ATAN Cemetery by 4pm today, July 6. Her body leaves her residence 20, Alawode Street, Surulere, Masha beside Kilo Hotel. May her soul rest in peace.
Read more: https://www.naij.com/882786-breaking-veteran-nollywood-actress-bukky-ajayi-dead.html

Mama Bukky Ajayi as she is fondly referred to studied drama at the Institute of Drama, London. She later worked a while in London before coming to Nigeria where she started a broadcasting career as an announcer, presenter and newscaster at Nigerian Television Authority. Ajayi was a part of the now rested TV series Village Headmaster. She is seen by many as a living legend of the Nigerian film industry. Despite her advanced age, she still goes on movie location. UPDATE: Burial of Late Bukky Ajayi at ATAN Cemetery by 4pm today, July 6. Her body leaves her residence 20, Alawode Street, Surulere, Masha beside Kilo Hotel. May her soul rest in peace.
Read more: https://www.naij.com/882786-breaking-veteran-nollywood-actress-bukky-ajayi-dead.html

Breaking:Suicibe Bombers visits Medina

                             
Three suicide attacks in 24 hours -- that's how Saudis will remember the end of Ramadan, a month that has seen the wider region plunged into a wave of terror-related violence.

The attacks -- including one in Medina, one of the holiest sites in Islam -- follow massive jihadi assaults from Turkey to Iraq that have been been tied to ISIS. Analysts believe events in Saudi Arabia could also be the work of the terror group.

Two of the attacks failed but four people were killed in the third, all of which appear to be coordinated -- targeting both Saudi security forces and Western interests.

 Medina is a city eclipsed only by Mecca in the Muslim's sacred imagination.

Every year, millions of pilgrims descend on Medina's Great Mosque, usually before or after the hajj pilgrimage, or during the last ten nights of Ramadan, keen to visit the tomb of Prophet Mohammed , to pray in his mosque, to sit where he once sat, in this holiest time of year.

Nigerian President replaces Kachikwu with Maikanti Baru as NNPC boss

                               

President Muhammadu Buhari has replaced the current group managing director of the Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation (NNPC),Ibe Kachikwu with Maikanti Kacalla Baru.

According to reports post by the presidential spokesman, Femi Adesina, Kachikwu was replaced by Baru after the President approved a board to see to the affairs of the NNPC.

 The new board of NNPC, it was revealed, will be chaired by Kachikwu, who remains, the Minister of State for Petroleum.

In his words, "President Muhammadu Buhari has approved the composition of the Board of the Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation (NNPC), as provided for under Section 1(2) of the Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation Act of 1997, as amended."

The new board is composed of the following:
A. Chairman-Dr Emmanuel Ibe Kachikwu, Honourable Minister of State for Petroleum;
B. Group Managing Director- Dr Maikanti Kacalla Baru;
C. The Permanent Secretary of the Federal Ministry of Finance; and
D. The following six persons:1. Mallam Abba Kyari
2. Dr Thomas M.A John
3. Dr Pius O. Akinyelure
4. Dr Tajuddeen Umar
5. Mallam Mohammed Lawal, and
6. Mallam Yusuf Lawal.
President Buhari urges the new board to ensure the successful delivery of the mandate of the NNPC, ” and serve the nation by upholding the public trust placed on them in managing this critical national asset.”

Eid El-Fitri: Lagos State Police Assures Residents Of Adequate Security

                               

The Lagos State Police Command has assured the general public that adequate and necessary security measures have been put in place during and after the Eid el-Fitri celebrations.

The Command in a statement signed by its Public Relations Officer, SP Dolapo Badmos, assured Muslim faithful and the general public of their safety.

She said that the Command has put in place appropriate operational strategies to ensure a hitch-free Eid el-Fitri celebrations at all praying grounds, recreational centres, hotels and all other public places.

She however implored members of the public to cooperate with the Police as they go about their lawful duties, adding that in the eventuality of any emergency, the following Rapid Response hotlines can be contacted: 08127155071, 08127155150, 08029950048, 767 or 112.

8 Marriage-Killing Mistakes Women Make (Yes, You Too)

                             
I can’t tell you how many unhappy husbands I’ve seen in my office over the past decade or so. They present with all kinds of issues—from infidelity, to in-law troubles, and everything in between.

Yet, despite the variety of marriage problems that can arise, there are some complaints that are so prevalent and common that they warrant being singled out.

 Below are eight of the most common complaints that unhappy husbands make about their wives. Read them. Believe them. Stop them:

1. You’re a grump.

When you speak to your husband, your voice tone is full of negativity, contempt and criticism. If he tries to express a concern or complaint about the marriage, you rise up in angry defensiveness and throw the blame back on him instead of hearing him out.

2. You’re a nag.

If your husband has a free moment, you pounce on him and order him to fix something around the house. If he goes out with friends, you text him incessantly, asking when he’ll be home. Basically, you’re a matrimonial version of the micro-managing boss.

3. You’re a cold fish in bed.

If he flashes you a flirtatious wink, you roll your eyes. If he reaches for you in bed, you turn your back to him. On those rare occasions you do give in and have sex, you lie there and stare at the ceiling, waiting for it to be over and sapping all the fun out of it.

4. You’re a frump.

Whether you’ve stopped exercising or started wearing sweatpants, you’ve let yourself go and lost your energy and enthusiasm for life. To be honest, this isn’t a top complaint that I hear from men; however, a woman who feels unattractive often withdraws—emotionally and physically—from her marriage. And that is something that husbands do complain about.

5. You’re a “Mommy,” and nothing else.

You get way more excited about a “Mommy & Me” playdate than a romantic evening with your husband. Just keep in mind that a child-centered marriage isn’t a marriage at all; it’s just a daycare.

6. You’re an alpha parent.

As the leader of the parenting pack, you snap at your husband every time he tries to be a dad or parent his children in the way he sees fit. As a result, you rob your children of a father’s care and discipline, and you drive a wedge between you and your husband.

7. You’re thankless.

Whether your husband has put in major overtime at work or spent his entire long-weekend building you that backyard deck you want, you take his efforts for granted and fail to show appreciation for anything he does for you or your family.

8. You’re (yawn) boring.

You don’t have any interests or hobbies outside the marriage or home (no, Facebook isn’t a hobby). That makes you predictable and bland company who never has anything interesting to add to a conversation. You should get a life, to put it plainly.

If you’re worried that the passion in your marriage is starting to subside, don’t panic. Instead, take a good, hard look at your own behavior. How can you bring more positivity and romance into your marriage? How can you make your husband feel more appreciated and desired? How can you build him up as a loving, competent parent? How can you make him happy?

Believe it or not, making your husband happy is the surest way to motivate him to make you happy. Like attracts like. Loving, appreciative behavior attracts loving, appreciative behavior. Positivity and enthusiasm attracts positivity and enthusiasm. Fun and affection attracts fun and affection. You get the idea.

Of course, it takes two to tango and men need to do their part, too. That being said, there’s nothing stopping you from taking the lead and doing what you can to make your marriage a happier, sexier and stronger one … starting today.

Written by Debra Macleod

Debra Macleod is a YourTango Expert and couples’ mediator turned relationship author-expert who uses her extensive training, experience and skill set to help individuals and couples save their relationships, avoid divorce and make positive changes to their family and personal lives.