When a man enters into a covenant relationship with his bride, he
commits to the responsibilities of loving, honoring and cherishing her.
As a husband, the strength you need in order to carry out
these responsibilities ultimately flows out of your relationship with God.
It requires a moment-by-moment dependence on God's Spirit. It takes
time and discipline to maintain, especially with the many obstacles that
cross your path – in your case, raising a child with special needs.
The
vows you shared included "for better or worse, in sickness and in
health." There was never a thought about the possibility of having a
special needs child, nor any discussion of how much stress and strain
such a situation would put on your marriage. And in the midst of life's
challenges is another: being the husband and father God calls us to be.
We
can't let the obstacles of life get in the way of building a strong
marriage. When we fail to sacrificially love our wife as Christ loved
the Church (Ephesians 5:25), we begin to compromise this most cherished
relationship. As a husband, and as the father of a special needs adult
child, it's a daily challenge to stay focused when the challenges of
caregiving collide with the needs of my wife and other children.
Raising
a child with special needs, while at the same time nurturing my
relationship with my wife, requires that I make time to communicate with
my wife every day. What I need to communicate most is my love. In our
situation, I went off to work while my wife stayed home and cared for
our children. When one or more of children have special needs, you can
be certain that a wife's daily responsibilities have been full and
challenging. Recognizing that fact was the first step toward realizing
that no matter what kind of day I had, my wife "had a day," too!
When
our children were small, it was great when she gave me a bit of time to
regroup from my day. We had dinner together as a family, and then I
would give her a break from the children. I'd take the kids for walks in
nice weather or play in the backyard. As the kids grew, my time with
them might include helping with homework, playing video games or just
talking. Cindi appreciated this time alone without worrying about the
needs of the children; time alone to think without the noise and
commotion that she'd endured all day long; time for an evening out with
friends to simply "get away." Taking care of the kids was a way for me
to serve my wife, letting her know that I was committed to her and
cherished her. As a result, we were able to demonstrate God's
unconditional love and grace to each other and to the children, and
become an example to those around us.
In addition to my role as a
husband, one of my greatest titles is "Dad." Fathers are to
sacrificially love our children. We demonstrate to our children that we
care for them by making them a priority. Cultivating relationships with
each child requires time, discipline and intentionality. When so much
time is spent caring for the child(ren) with special needs, it's easy to
lose track of our other children's needs. It is a challenge to spend
both quality and quantity time with the other children. Each one needs
to know with absolute certainty that we love them. Spending time with
them goes a long way toward making them feel protected and loved.
I
was intentional about "dating" my two girls. Our regular dates included
restaurants, local events and festivals, the zoo, walks, jogs, movies,
ice cream and other fun things. Our dates were also opportunities to
talk, ask questions, and sometimes just to listen to them. These are
some of my fondest memories of their childhoods, and we continue to
enjoy our special times together (even with one daughter married and the
other in college).
We invested time in teaching all of our
children God's Word. We'd discuss current topics of interest to each and
used these opportunities to guide them. These teaching moments may not
have connected with Joey in the same way they did for the girls, but we
included him as much as we could. Without question, Joey required a
different kind of time and attention.
As a dad, I once dreamed of
playing sports with a son – maybe even coaching – but because that
wasn't to be, I found other ways to "connect" with Joey. He spent a lot
of time doing repetitive therapies in his early years, but as he grew
older, he and I began to connect playing video games. We have learned to
play sports together … through video! He excels at baseball and my
forte' is football, but we still connect and have fun together!
Yes,
it takes time. But if we want to pass on our faith and impact future
generations for Christ, we must spend quality and quantity time with
each of our children. When we leave a godly legacy, we can look back
with great satisfaction.
It's been my observation that many men
are overwhelmed by the responsibility of being the husbands and fathers
God has called them to be. Yet we have this assurance: that "nothing is
impossible with God" (Luke 1:37). As we ask God to empower us as men, we
can give our children not just an inheritance, but a heritage. And we
can give our wife what she needs most – to be loved, honored and
cherished.
Written by Joe Ferini