This article is for husbands and wives who want their marriage to
succeed. It is also for those who are remarried and are finding it is
necessary to work as hard, or harder, the second time. It is
also for the singles who hope to establish a good Christian home someday
in the future.This message is for honest marriage partners only. It is not for those
who are looking for a way out of their marriage or who are wanting a way
to simply exist in a bad arrangement.
Here are ten ways to make your marriage work
1. Even in your most heated arguments - never use the word divorce!
A lovely young wife, whose divorce was to be finalized within the
week, confessed to us, "I wish now that I had never used the word
divorce. We have been married only five years, but we argued so often.
Things got pretty bad, and one day I blurted it out - 'I think we ought
to get a divorce.' We were both shocked, at first. We had never even
thought of divorce before that moment. But after the shock wore off, I
realized the seed for divorce had been planted. It was easier to say the
next time. Within weeks, that's all we talked about. The seed grew
monstrous roots that finally strangled our marriage."
Others who have been divorced tell me the same thing. "Tell everybody
you can," they say, "to never even speak the work'divorce.' There is
something fatal in the very use of the word. don't let them plant that
seed - it grows too wild and too fast."
I agree! The Bible says, "Death and life are in the power of the tongue; and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof" Prov 18;21
2. Do not think that intense disagreement means there is trouble in your marriage.
Be honest when you disagree. Express your hurt. Let your feelings
show. And God help you if you don't. People who keep things bottled up
inside are candidates for all kinds of illnesses. But most married
people who have intense disagreements think they are somehow becoming
allergic to aone another. They think to themselves, "Oh boy, here we go
again. It's a hopeless situation. We must have lost our love and respect
for each other."
Quit the theatrics. You are only human, and you might as well mark it
down that you will have disagreements at times from now until you are
called home to heaven. Learn to get it all out, quickly. Don't ever
think of quitting on your marriage because you are still weak in the
area of communication. People who keep looking for a perfect
relationship with "no more fighting" are heading for real
disappointment.
Most important of all - never drop "the bomb" when you argue or
disagree. Every husvand, every wife, knows exactly what to say to get
his or her "goat." For me, the "bomb" is "phony." I hate to be caslled a
phony, and my wife knows it. And she used to use it on me "for the
kill." When I wanted to get even, I'd drop the bomb on her. "Gwen," I'd
say, "you are getting fat." When she ran from the room weeping, I knew
it had found it's mark. Thank God, we've outgrown such childishness. But
we still have disagreements.
The important thing is to never go to sleep back to back. Take the
humor stick and knock the stuffings out of your pompous attitude. Laugh
at how ridiculous you both are. Learn to admit, "our marriage is still
good - we simply have here a failure to communicate."
The Bible offers the best advice of all - "It is an honor for a man to cease from strife; but every fool will be meddling" Prov 20;3.
3. Never make your mate the butt of jokes - privately or publicly.
Comedic partners who poke fun at their mates think of it as
"good-natured joking." It is not! It is degrading and dangerous. Making
jokes about the stupid things your husband or wife did at home is
another way of putting him or her down. Behind most of these jokes is a
spirit of anger and malice. It's a way of "not letting them forget their
mistakes." It's a way of bringing up the mistakes again so that
everybody can know about the failure.
Behind all the laughter can be terrible hurt. Being the butt of a
joke can be like getting slapped in the face. How often have you heard a
husband blurt out to everybody standing nearby, "Hey, did you hear what
my wife did? It was the craziest thing you've every heard." Then he
proceeds to tell every embarrassing detail. Or she will joke, "My
husband is a dirty old man - all he thinks about is sex." But it's no
joke. Husbands and wives who respect one another do not resort to such
foolishness. It represents "no class." Joke about anything you choose -
but not about your husband or wife. Humor - yes! Butt jokes - never!
4. Practice complimenting each other - sincerely and often!
How tragic that some husbands and wives believe they have been called
to keep their mate humble. They are constantly pricking the balloon so
that he or she will not get a big head.
One middle-aged wife told me, "Somebody has to keep my husband
humble. He gets so much attention from others - he needs to be brought
down a peg or two. He gets too big for his britches. I know just how to
straighten him out."
How sad! One day that husband will walk out on her, and seek another
woman who will build him up. Men especially have such a need to be
encouraged and their egos unruffled. It is not a sin to build each other
up - with sincere compliments. There is no need to tell lies or be
shallow about it.
Anyone who can stand before a sacred altar and make vows for life,
surely ought to see enough good in that partner to talk about it.
A divorced woman told me recently, "My husband's been gone now for
over three years. How I wish he would come back. The loneliness is
unbearable. There are a million things I forgot to tell him. If I had
only let him know how good he really was, in so many ways. What a fool I
was - I could never learn to compliment him; I was always on his back,
pointing out all his mistakes. I see how some husbands and wives treat
each other so coldly, and I want to scream at them - 'Wake up, before
it's too late ' Quit your sarcasm and encourage each other.'"
Wives tend to become as beautiful as the compliments their husbands
pay them. They become radiant when told how attractive they are. And
husbands will do almost anything to live up to the compliments and
encouragement of a proud wife.
The Bible says, "A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver..." Prov 25;11
5. Never smother each other- set your love free!
It has been said, "If it's really love, set it free - and it will
always return. If not, it wasn't love from the start." There is a great
meausre of truth in that.
loving husband of 45 years confessed to me the secret of his enduring
marriage to one wife. "I believe it is my privilege and duty to create
an atmosphere in my home in which my wife can reach her full potential.
She, in turn, helps me reach mine."
With his encouragement, she was active in the church; she did
volunteer work in the hospital; and she had her own hideaway where she
indulged in painging. He said she was a betty wife to him because she
was happy with herself. She was not being smothered by a husband who was
interested in nothing but his own goals.
Jealousy is a form of bondage - it is the most smothering human
passion known to mankind. Husbands and wives who fear the loss of a
partner's love try to overcompensate by holding on too tightly. It
becomes an iron grip. A wife who thinks to herself, "I won't let him out
of my sight!' is actually expressing her fear of losing him. The
husband who will not allow his wife plenty of room for growth and
expression will one day resent the boredom and narrowness forced on her.
The most fulfilling of all marriages are those in which both husbands
and wives commit their love to God's keeping, and who truly set each
other free to grow and mature. If God cannot keep you together, charm
and sex will never do it. Without freedom, there can be no growth. Not
freedom to flirt or fool around - but freedom to take on new challenges
and set new goals.
True freedom is based on trust, and trust comes from feeling secure in each other's love.
The Bible says, "Is not this the fast that I have chosen? to loose
the bands of wickedness, to undo the heavy burdens, and to let the
oppressed go free, and that ye break every yoke?"Isaiah 58;6
6. Learn how to say "I'm sorry!" - and mean it!
"Love Story" was a movie whose theme was "Love is never having to say
I'm sorry." that is a lie from the pits of hell. Love, according to
God's Word, is learning how to say I'm sorry.
An irate husband boasted, "I walked out on my wife last night. She is
always right, and I'm always wrong, but not this time. I'm not going to
let her walk all over me again. I know I'm right on this matter. I'm
always the one who has to give in first. Well - this time I'm staying
away until she crawls on her hands and knees and admits she's dead
wrong."
Along with learning to say I'm sorry," husbands and wives must learn
how to say, "I forgive." Jesus warned that the forgiveness of our
Heavenly Father depends on our forgiving those who trespass against us.
"And when ye stand praying, forgive, if ye have ought against any:
that your Father also which is in heaven may forgive you your
trespasses. but if ye do not forgive, neither will your Father which is
in heaven forgive your trespasses"
Has your husband or wife cheated on you? Have you been wounded by
adultery? Did you accidentally discover their secret affair? Was there a
true repentance? Are you trying hard to forgive and forget?
You may never forget - but you must learn to forgive. As long as you
live, you may be haunted by the images of your husband or wife in the
arms of someone else. You may always hurt and grieve over it. But is he
or she has shown evidence of godly sorrow - and every effort is being
made to make it up to you - you must forgive. More than that, you must
stop, once and for all, bringing up the past. Multiplied thousands of
marriages have survived infidelity, but only because godly sorrow for
sin was followed by Christlike forgiveness. If you keep dragging up all
the old, ugly past - the marriage will be in jeopardy.
The Bible says, "The discretion of a man deferreth his anger; and it is his glory to pass over a transgression..." Prov 19;11.
Written by D r Daniella Richardson
