There are few men who really know
what they’re getting into when it comes to getting married. We all have
an idea of what marriage is all about. We have hopes, dreams and
expectations of what it will look like. We watch movies, TV shows and
even observe marriages in the world around us to try and get a glimpse
of this thing we call holy matrimony. But we don’t really know until
we’re there, do we?
There are some things about marriage that I understood going into it,
but there are so many things I could have never fully imagined. To this
day, there is still so much that I’m learning. I write about this
concept in my new book,True Love Dates—specifically
regarding the things marriage can’t do. But marriage can also do a lot.
Here are 10 things I have learned about it.
1. Marriage is more intimate than sex
Often, one of the first things bachelors think about when it comes to
marriage is sex. But while there is so much value and closeness within
the sexual relationship, a good marriage is what makes for good sex, not
the other way around.
Before marriage, I don’t think I grasped the real intimacy that comes
with committing to this one person for the rest of my life. Marriage is
an amazing opportunity to allow another person a look inside your life,
your mind, your heart and your very soul. Now that is true intimacy.
2. Marriage reveals selfishness, but can also cultivate selflessness
I didn’t know how selfish I was until I got about six months into my
marriage (probably more like six hours, but I’m being generous). From
the silly moments of choosing where to eat and who gets the remote, to
the more significant things like apologizing and putting your spouse’s
needs before your own—you learn that true selflessness is something that
has to be lived out. It’s a hard lesson, but also a beautiful reminder
of a God who selflessly gave His all for me.
3. Oneness literally means one
We all think of the deep spiritual and physical benefits of oneness,
but we don’t always consider the inconvenient parts of it. One house.
One bed. One bathroom. One mirror above the bathroom sink. One bank
account. One budget.
In marriage, you learn to let go of the “mine and yours” mentality,
because everything is truly “ours.” There’s something really hard, but
something really beautiful about that. It’s a reminder that at the end
of the day what’s mine is yours ... but everything we have is actually
His.
4. At some point, you will be disappointed
This one was a hard reality. I am fully aware of my and my husband’s
humanity, but for some reason this truth doesn’t really hit home until
disappointment hits home.
My husband and I have loved each other deeply, but we’ve also hurt
each other deeply. When you allow someone to bury their heart in yours,
there’s no doubt that one day, you will feel an ache. Whether In the
form of an unkind word, a thoughtless action or a selfish moment,
marriage will hurt. But by God’s grace, each wound paves the way for
grace, forgiveness and restoration. Each wound is a reminder of our need
to love better and more deeply.
5. Like it or not, you will learn the meaning of forgiveness
With the certainty of being wounded comes the reality that you will
need to learn forgiveness. The biggest lesson is that true forgiveness
comes not because the person standing before you is deserving. Rather,
it comes out of a heart that understands how much we’ve been forgiven
though we, too, were undeserving.
6. Marriage will cost you
The truth is, you lose a part of yourself within the glory of
marriage. You exchange a little bit of who you are for a little bit of
who your spouse is. You learn to give and take. You learn to let go of
the things that don’t really matter. And in the end, you realize what
you’ve given is far less than what you’ve ultimately received. Love is
good like that.
7. Love isn’t a feeling, it’s a series of decisions
Before marriage, you can’t really comprehend the strong feelings
going anywhere but higher. Then one day you realize that feelings can’t
really be trusted, because some days you feel you may not even like each
other. Feelings come, but feelings also go. They are a compass, and
sometimes a guide, but they are never to be followed.
The test of real love is what you do when you don’t feel like loving.
Marriage is constantly choosing to love, to give and to serve because
of the commitment you have made. It’s choosing the other instead of
choosing yourself. That’s the very definition of love in it’s truest
form.
8. Marriage will require you to learn how to communicate
No matter what your communication bent, marriage will require you to
take a good hard look at your opinions, beliefs, ideas and feelings—and
share them with another. It will cause you to answer the hard questions
and speak the difficult truths. Communication is the lifeline between
two people. There’s no way around it. It will cause you to take
responsibility for not just what you say, but how you say it—tone, body
language, sarcasm and all.
9. Marriage is not the end of your destination.
Before you’re married, it’s easy to see
marriage as the grande finale. It’s the thing we dream of and live for.
And then it finally comes! Now what?
This relationship God has blessed you with is a fraction of the grand
scheme He has for your life. Your purpose and passions will extend far
beyond the reach of your relationship with your spouse. And God will use
the relationship He has given you, too, as the love between you and
your spouse is reflected to the world. Marriage is not the end, it’s
only the beginning. God has so much more up His sleeve.
10. Marriage gives you a glimpse of so much more
On the same note, you learn a lot about God when you are rubbing up
against someone day in and day out. There’s a reason God uses the
analogy of marriage to describe His love for His Church. No relationship
will ever compare to the intimacy that is exchanged within this earthly
connection. God’s love for us magnified through the lens of a healthy
marriage, but He also uses this marriage to shape us, refine us and put
us through the fire—making us more and more like Him along the way.
Reflecting Jesus is the greatest honor we can partake in when it comes
to marriage, but more so, it’s the one and only thing that will keep our
marriage alive.
There are many routes to holiness, and marriage is definitely one of
those routes. I am a different person because of this sacred
relationship, and I know God’s not finished with me yet. I’m so thankful
for the blessing of marriage, and look forward to what lies ahead.
Written by Debra Fileta