Finally, you have met him or her. You know what I mean,
the one.
All your life, or so it seems, you have been waiting for the person who
made your heart pound, made the stars bright, and taken over all
reasonable thought processes with ideas of making love on every beach
from here to Tahiti.
You have a weird expression on your face, food suddenly seems like a
mere inconvenience and sleep is just something you used to do. Your
friends tease you about being in love. Your mother WARNS you about being
in love.
Of course, you’re not stupid. You’ve been around (more than Mom
knows about), and you have spent time in meditation/therapy having
explored your own needs in the world. You want a soul mate but this
guy/gal is just so sexy that it’s hard to imagine introducing him/her to
your parents at all.
Going Public
So, things are going well and you are looking toward the
next step, becoming an item. Going public. Everyone knows and invites you as a couple. People you know speculate about the future of your relationship. But the future means forever when it comes to commitment, so how do you know if this is really a good thing?
Are people whispering about how happy they are for you, or are they
wondering if you should be committed yourself (like in a secure mental
health facility)? And how about yourself? Do you feel comfortable with
your newest love interest or do you just want to feel comfortable with
someone? Is this the person that you want to spend your life with or are
you just afraid to march into the future alone?
These very large questions deserve great considerations. The
passions of new love are so entwined in our own emotional makeup, that
it seems impossible to find objective considerations when proceeding
along love’s thorny paths. So, for the purposes of this discussion, let
us define love and infatuation so each can be thought about in a more
organized manner.
Love is Forever Changing
Love as a dynamic process. For me, that means that there is a
relationship that flexes, changes and grows as people mature, experience
happens upon them, priorities and dreams are built and goals are met.
Love brings out the best in people as individuals. The relationship
between them becomes the way they define their lives. As jobs, careers,
and family concerns change, people are able to work as a team to be
understanding and flexible so the relationship (their lives) will
flourish.
Dynamic process of love equals a sharing of emotion, trust, and
growth of relationship. Growth is increasing ability of a couple to live
symbiotically, enjoy each others company, trust each other with more
secrets, depend on each other in more crises over the years, in raising
children and taking care of aging relatives. It’s about growing old
together, and long-term investments like real estate and children.
Is it Just Infatuation?
So what about infatuation? That’s when you think of someone all
the time, you go out of your way to be around him/her, and you begin to
center your priorities around him/her as well. There is history with
this person: Maybe a short history, but maybe quite a while. You both
enjoy being together. You both daydream about each other and get all
crawly in your underwear.
But is it love? I mean, you hate to be
wrong about this kind of thing, especially if you have in mind perhaps
reproducing together (or maybe if you forget to think about it just
once).
Infatuation as are defining it here, is a static process
characterized by an unrealistic expectation of blissful passion without
positive growth and development. Characterized by a lack of trust, lack
of loyalty, lack of commitment, lack of reciprocity, an infatuation is
not necessarily foreplay for a love scenario. People, however, have many
reasons for making commitments.
Most people are infatuated with their love partners to a certain
degree. People who are in love think of their partners periodically when
they are apart (some more than others). Men seem to be better, in
general, in compartmentalizing their lives, thereby putting thoughts of
loved ones aside until the mind is free to dwell on life. And yes, there
are many exceptions and many ranges within the genders.
Knowing the Difference?
So how do you know? The question, actually is simple, the answer,
however, is not easy to own or accept. And here it is: Does this
relationship bring out the best in both of you?
This is the part where you get to assess and evaluate yourself and your partner, and your relationship
honestly.
Though difficult, evaluating how things are going at regular
intervals can help to give some direction (and re-direct misdirection)
to people who are self-guided toward happiness and success. For those
who are on a negative course, people who are unhappy,
confused and perhaps self-sabotaging, regular evaluation can point
out some hard truths about oneself, and/or about the person you want to
take the next step with.
While you try to evaluate whether or not it is
the real thing, here are some things to consider:
Are you happy? That would be a yes or no. When you wake up, are you
glad to be alive? Are you grateful for the blessings that you receive
daily, like being alive and loved? Are you loved and treated as a person
of value? Does his or her mother know about you?
Is your life on a positive track? Do you have hope for the future?
Do you have dreams and work toward them all the time? Is your life
better because your boy/girlfriend is in it? Really?
Are you in this relationship alone? Having someone on your arm makes
life less complicated. You get a built in escort and date. Most people
seem to think and feel better as part of a pair. There is a sense of
social relief as well meaning family and friends stop trying to fix you
up. Are you thinking and planning as a pair? Do you automatically
consider both of your plans for the weekend, or merely anticipate maybe
meeting up sometime? Have you postponed or given up your hopes and
dreams for the relationship or have you restructured your dreams
together?
Determining the Difference
The answers, and the courage to face the facts is the key to making the
determination. In infatuation, your gaze, your thoughts and maybe your
world revolves around someone. You have blinders on. It seems that all
the world pales in comparison to this person’s looks, talents,
intelligence, creativity, etc. What you might not see by keeping the
blinders on, what can be serious flaws in any relationship, are the
destructive traits and behaviors that degrade self esteem and cause some
pretty negative effects on one’s choices and decisions.
Many have had the experience of looking back at some early romance,
in middle or high school perhaps, when we were “in love” with a special
teacher, or camp counselor. It can be easier to see in retrospect, what
you weren’t ready to see at the time. Your thoughts of
romance were simply an innocent fantasy: An infatuation that felt like love at the time.
Aside from your age, what was it about you that made you make that
mistake. Innocence? Loneliness?: A longing to grow up, maybe. But those
were things going on in your head. In fact, these feelings had little to
do with the actual object of your infatuation (crush). It could be that
some of those same feelings and needs exist for you today. Beware of
your own vulnerability, and your own desire to “get rescued” from that
solitary life of the unpaired.
In time, the faults that you refuse to see will begin to come to the
foreground. You may be infatuated with a rich and powerful person, but
as you come to know that person on a more intimate basis, the qualities
that intrigued you will begin to fade into the background.
In the case of love, your focus is on your special someone, and that
someone exists in the real world. Give and take, compromise and
cooperation are characteristics of love relationships. Working toward
common goals, sharing dreams and values define the dynamics of a good
love relationship. People know each other on a separate and private
level than the world at large.
Bringing it Into Reality
Infatuation can even be thought of as love with only 2 dimensions. With love, that third dimension is
reality.
So, it is actually your ability to tell what is real in a relationship,
versus what is imagined. You love being part of a couple, but is this
the person you want to be in a couple with?
Look at the reality of who this person is, not who she/he wants to
be. Do you always interact over dinner and drinks? Meet under different
circumstances. Become part of each other’s lives. If that is not
happening, why not? Are you spending and enjoying time together? What
happens when you’re apart? Are you sure?
Trying to differentiate your love interest from your lust interest
is requires a level head and the courage to face the unpleasant. It also
requires maturity and the ability to take a step back and survey the
big picture. The result is more control and confidence as you stride
your way in love’s direction.
Written by Michelle Drew
Michelle Drew is the pseudonym for J. Michelle Davis, a psychologist,
educator and advocate with 30 years of experience in various social
service and educational agencies in Massachusetts, Rhode Island,
Connecticut and New York. She holds a M. Ed. in Counseling Psychology
from Cambridge College and a B.A. in developmental psychology from the
University of Rochester.
