There is a story of a man who died and went to heaven to find two
signs above two different lines. One sign said: "ALL THOSE MEN WHO HAVE
BEEN DOMINATED BY THEIR WIVES, STAND HERE." That line of men seemed to
stretch off through the clouds into infinity.
The second sign read: "ALL THOSE WHO HAVE NEVER BEEN DOMINATED BY THEIR WIVES, STAND HERE." Underneath the sign stood one man.
He went over to the man, grabbed his arm and said, "What's the
secret, how did you do it? That other line has millions of men and you
are the only one standing in this line."
The man looked around with a puzzled expression and said, "Why, I am not sure I know. My wife just told me to stand here."
We have all heard jokes about "who wears the pants in the family." Yet
leadership in the home is no laughing matter. During the last few
decades our culture has redefined the meaning and responsibilities of
man and woman in society and in the home. Many men are confused and
insecure. Many do not know how to act in the home. Growing up, they
lacked a good model for leadership at home and have no mental picture of
what it means to lead a family. Consequently, they do not lead
effectively, or they do not even try.
Increasingly, many men are becoming passive in the home. They've
decided that the easiest thing to do is nothing. The simplest thing—with
the smallest risk—is to stay on the fence with both feet firmly planted
in mid-air and let the wife do it. When a man is married to a strong
wife who will take over, he often lets her do just that.
Fortunately, there is an answer. The Scriptures clearly give us the
model for being a man, a husband and father. I call that model the
"servant/leader."
I hope that the concepts I share will help you understand the
biblical role of a husband more clearly than ever before. When correctly
interpreted and applied, these concepts not only result in freedom for
the husband and wife, but also help you work better as a team to combat
isolation and conflict in your marriage.
#1: Be a leader. The Scriptures provide a clear organizational structure for a marriage. Following are a couple of typical Scriptures:
But I want you to understand that Christ is the head of every
man, and the man is the head of a woman, and God is the head of Christ
(1 Corinthians 11:3).
Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband
is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He
Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to
Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave
Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her
by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself
the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such
thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. So husbands ought also
to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife
loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and
cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are
members of His body (Ephesians 5:22-30).
In his commentary on Ephesians, William Hendriksen points out that
God "... placed ultimate responsibility with respect to the household on
the shoulders of the husband . . . The Lord has assigned the wife the
duty of obeying her husband yet ... this obedience must be a voluntary
submission on her part, and that only to her own husband, not to every
man."
"Head" does not mean male dominance, where a man lords it over a
woman and demands her total obedience to his every wish and command. God
never viewed women as second-class citizens. His Word clearly states
that we are all equally His children and are of equal value and worth
before Him. As Galatians 3:28 tells us, "There is neither Jew nor Greek,
slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus"
(Galatians 3:28).
The teaching of the New Testament clearly shows that women are to be
respected, revered, and treated as equals with men. Unfortunately, many
husbands have not gotten the message. They degrade their wives by
neglect or with insensitive and abusive treatment. One cause of the
feminist movement may have been that men abandoned God's design. When
God presented Eve to Adam in the Garden, Adam received her as a gift of
great value to God and him. When husbands, particularly Christian
husbands, do not treat their wives as a precious gift from God and
helpmate, they can cause those wives to search for a way to find
significance and value as persons, often outside God's will.
Are you a leader? Men who are "natural" leaders have no trouble
answering the question, yes. They know how to take over, control, guide,
and get things done. Some men are not strong or natural leaders. How
can they lead in the home?
Paul says the same to everyone. God has placed the husband in the
position of responsibility. It does not matter what kind of personality a
man may have. Your wife may be resisting you, fighting you, and
spurning your attempts to lead, but it makes no difference. I believe
our wives want us and need us to lead. You are not demanding this
position; on the contrary, God placed you there. You will not lead her
perfectly, but you must care for you wife and family by serving them
with perseverance.
Scripture does more than assign leadership in a marriage to the
husband, however. Those same passages you just read also provide a model
for that leadership. The Apostle Paul says that the husband is head of
the wife as Christ is head of the church. "This comparison of the
husband with Christ reveals the sense in which a man should be his
wife's "head." Hendriksen writes, "He is her head as being vitally
interested in her welfare. He is her protector. His pattern is Christ
Who, as head of the Church, is its Savior!"
Let's look more closely at two responsibilities that flow out of proper leadership.
#2: Love your wife unconditionally. Ephesians 5:25
reads, "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church
and gave Himself up for her." Your unconditional acceptance of your wife
is not based upon her performance, but on her worth as God's gift to
you. If you want to love your wife unconditionally, always be sure her
emotional tank is full. One of the best ways to do that is to affirm her
constantly. Let her know verbally that you value her, respect her, and
love her. I have discovered that I simply cannot do that enough.
There is no question that words communicate love, but so do actions.
You need to do both. As the Apostle John wrote in one of his letters:
"let us not love with words or tongue, but with actions and in truth" (1
John 3:18). One of the missing ingredients in male leadership in homes
is sacrificial action. When was the last time you gave up something for
your wife—something you genuinely valued, like your golf game, a fishing
trip, or your hobby? Sometimes you need to give up something you enjoy
so your wife can have a break and see your love for her.
#3: Serve your wife. According to the New Testament,
being head of your wife does not mean being her master, but her
servant. Again, Christ is our model for this type of leadership. Jesus
did not just talk about serving; He demonstrated it when he washed His
disciples' feet (John 13:1-17). Christ, the Head of the Church, took on
the very nature of a servant when He was made in human likeness
(Philippians 2:7).
One of the best ways to serve your wife is to understand her needs
and try to meet them. Do you know what your wife's top three needs are
right now? If she is a young mother, she has a certain set of basic
needs. If your children are grown and gone and you are in the empty
nest, your wife has a different set of needs that you should try to
meet. What is she worried about? What troubles her? What type of
pressure does she feel? Learn the answers to questions like that, and
then do what you can to reduce her worries, her troubles, her pressures.
What do you know about your wife's hopes and dreams? I bet she has
plenty—do you know what they are? Are you cultivating her gifts? If she
has a knack for decorating, do you help her develop that?
Another way to serve your wife is to
provide for her. This
provision first involves assuming responsibility for meeting the
material needs of the family. 1 Timothy 5:8 tells us, "But if anyone
does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household,
he has denied the faith, and is worse than an unbeliever."
Providing for your wife also means taking the initiative in helping
meet her spiritual needs. You do this by modeling godly character, by
praying with her, by spending time together in God's Word, and by
looking for ways to encourage her spiritually.
To be a leader, a lover, and a servant is to accommodate your life to
the life of the gift God has given you—your wife. Give up your life for
hers and, at the judgment seat of Christ, He will say, "Well done, thou
good and faithful servant."
Written by Dennis Rainey
Dennis Rainey is the president and chief executive officer of
FamilyLife, a subsidiary of Campus Crusade for Christ. Since the
organization began in 1976, Dennis' leadership has enabled FamilyLife to
grow into a dynamic and vital ministry that offers families blueprints
for living godly lives. Dennis is host of FamilyLife Today radio
program and has written numerous books. He and his wife, Barbara, live
near Little Rock, Arkansas. They have six children and many
grandchildren.
