Talk to any set of grandparents (or great-grandparents) whose relationship has withstood the tests of time, and they will tell you that the best relationships are not just about the good times you share, they’re also about the obstacles you go through together, the disagreements you compromise on, and the fact that you still say “I love you” in the end. And loving someone isn’t just about saying it every day, it’s about showing it every day through actions and behaviors, even when you and your partner aren’t seeing things eye to eye.
1. They both take responsibility.
When you deny responsibility in every relationship disagreement, all you’re really doing is blaming your partner. You’re saying, in effect, “The problem is never me, it’s always you.” This denial of responsibility just escalates the argument, because there’s a complete breakdown of communication.
So take responsibility for your actions. Take responsibility for your relationship – the good times and the bad. Work with your partner. Communicate. Blaming them is a copout that accomplishes nothing. Either you both take equal ownership of the problems you two encounter together, or the problems will own both of you.
2. They are committed to dealing with disagreements, positively. Often it can be easiest to run from a disagreement, especially if you’re not a confrontational person by nature. But remember, this isn’t about you or whether or not you feel like dealing with your differences. It’s about what your relationship needs in order to grow and thrive in the long run; so put these needs ahead of your own. Both partners must be committed to dealing with their disagreements, because running from them will only make matters more difficult to deal with down the road.
3. They attack their disagreements, not each other.
Disagreements are fine, and arguments are too. These are natural, focused reactions to a person’s decisions or behavior. But when disagreements and arguments snowball into global attacks on the other person, and not on their decisions or behavior, this spells trouble. For example: “They didn’t call me when they said they would because they forgot, but because they’re a horrible, wretched, evil person.”
Even when it’s hard to think clearly in the heat of the moment, you have to take a deep breath and remember that your partner is on your team. Always support one another, even when you don’t see eye to eye. Don’t take your stress out on the each other.
4. They practice intentional communication.
Your partner is not a mind reader. Share your thoughts openly. Give them the information they need rather than expecting them to know it all. The more that remains unspoken, the greater the risk for problems. Start communicating clearly. Don’t try to read their mind, and don’t make them try to read yours. Most problems, big and small, within a relationship start with broken communication.
Also, don’t listen so you can reply – listen to understand. Open your ears and mind to your partner’s concerns and opinions without judgment. Look at things from your partner’s perspective as well as your own. Try to put yourself in their shoes. Even if you don’t understand exactly where they’re coming from, you can still respect them.
5. They let each other save face.
My grandmother once told me, “When somebody backs themselves into a corner, look the other way until they get themselves out; and then act as though it never happened.” Allowing your partner to save face in this way, and not reminding them of what they already know is not their most intelligent behavior, is an act of great kindness. This is possible when you realize that your partner behaves in such ways because they are in a place of momentary suffering. They react to their own thoughts and feelings and their behavior often has nothing directly to do with you.
6. They are willing to make sacrifices for each other.
The happiest intimate bonds are tied with true love, and true love involves attention, awareness, discipline, effort and being able to care about someone and sacrifice for them, continuously, in countless petty, little, unsexy ways every day. You put your arms around them and love them regardless, even when they’re not seeing things your way. And of course they do the same for you.
7. They expect to disagree with each other on some things, and they’re OK with it.
Again, differences of opinion (even major ones) don’t destroy relationships – it’s how a couple deals with their inevitable differences that counts.
Some couples waste years trying to change each other’s mind, but this can’t always be done, because many of their disagreements are rooted in fundamental differences of opinion, personality or values. By fighting over these deep-seated differences, all they succeed in doing is wasting their time and running their relationship into the ground.
So how do healthy, happy couples deal with disagreements that can’t be resolved?
They accept one another as is.
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