7 things you should never do in public

We all have secret habits and weird tendencies that only come out when we’re home alone with the doors double-bolted and the curtains closed. You’re not the only one who does a little naked dancing before going to bed. While most people can answer the “should I do this on a crowded sidewalk or home alone” question appropriately, there are several people that lack that ability.

 1. Cry
It’s a proven fact that no one can cry attractively. Your cheeks get red, your nose gets runny, and your face contorts more impressively than a Cirque Du Soleil troupe. No matter how bad the news, it’s important that you pull yourself together, and aggressively insist that you have really bad seasonal allergies.

2. Break-up
Break-ups tend to be ugly events that end with one person crying and the other throwing breakable valuables. Unless you have to break-up in public to stop your significant other from murdering you, do it at home. No one wants to walk down the sidewalk and hear “Why did you think it was okay to sleep with my uncle at my grandfather’s funeral?”

 3.Fight on the phone
In your head, you’re whisper-ranting on the phone. In reality, everyone around you can not only hear what you’re yelling, but also hear what the person on the other end of the phone is screaming. Suddenly we can’t get any work done because we’re engrossed in finding out why the f*ck your brother thought it was acceptable to delete your high scores.

 4.Adjust yourself
It happens to everyone. You’re not the only guy who has stood up from a fancy dinner date and stuck your hands down your pants. Be a gentleman and at least have the courtesy to face strangers, instead of your date. Bonus points if you adjust just as the strangers begin eating.

 5.Eat food off the floor
The less money you make and the hungrier you are, the faster the five second rules turns into the 15 minute rule. The Surgeon General says that as long as you clean your home on a biannual basis, it’s perfectly healthy to eat something that fell on the floor. However, for some zany reason, people will act like you’re a neanderthal if they see you eat a dusty M&M that you found in the couch cushions.

6 Sing
Odds are high that you don’t have a good voice. Odds are even higher that you’re under the mistaken impression that you’re one audition away from being the next American Idol. While you should feel totally comfortable singing in the shower, you should not be the one volunteering to sing solo love ballads at karaoke bars while everyone is still sober.

7 Groom yourself
A public place is not the time to be fingering your ears for wax or checking your nostrils for excessive hair growth. If there is an urgent grooming matter that needs to dealt with ASAP, excuse yourself to the bathroom. No one will object to your absence if it means you won’t be subtlety trying to pick your nose at the dinner table.

Written by Jenny Maier