You'd think we'd evolve past it, but young women are still implicitly taught that the only way to succeed is to find a husband and fulfill our "princess" role, as Rashida Jones once called it. Of course, the assumption is that without that overly expensive wedding, the flashy diamond ring and lifelong legal bond to a man, women are somehow not whole. There's still a presumption that there is some clear-cut divide between "single" and "taken,".
But we've come far enough to know that's just not true. Marriage can be great, but it's not everything we say it is. Let's cut through the bullshit and open our eyes.
1. Women need to get married to be truly happy.
Long seen as the
pinnacle of achievement in a young woman's life, marriage is not a golden
ticket to happiness. Yes,some studies find marriage to be positively correlated with well-being. But the truth is that happiness is circumstantial and depends mostly on who
you're with, not the institution itself.
"We each have a
baseline of happiness, and marriage on average isn't going to change that —
except for that little blip," Bella M. DePaulo, author of the book Singled
Out,told WebMD, referring to a study that found married couples see a small spike in happiness after the wedding.
More importantly, there are so many things that contribute to a
person's happiness: fulfilling careers, relationships, family, hobbies and lifelong
friends, to name only a few.
2. If you don't get married before 30, it will be too late.
No, women do not have expiration dates after which
they become un-weddable. In fact, being unmarried by 30 is actually more
common than not: The median age for first marriage is
now at a record high of 27 for women and 29 for men (versus in 1960,
when the median first marriage age was 20 and 23, respectively). As Pew
Research Center noted,
"Today, just 20% of adults ages 18 to 29 are married, compared with 59%
in 1960." Getting married after 30 is indeed possible, so we can put
aside the idea of the spinster covered in cats. Just ask Tina Knowles
3. Women are better off financially if they settle down early.
If being single can feel expensive, then you might
assume this myth to be true: The sooner a woman marries, the sooner she
becomes financially secure. But according to "Knot Yet: The Benefits and
Costs of Delayed Marriage," a 2013 study sponsored
by the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, women
who are 30 or older when they first marry have higher average salaries
than women who marry before 30 (as much as $18,000 more).
That's because delaying marriage affords women the
time and opportunity to find financial security and a career path on
their own. Turns out young women don't need partners to bankroll their
life.
4. Successful women can't also have successful marriages.
5. Most other women your age are getting married.
The persistent recurrence of engagement season—
with diamond rings and "He proposed!" statuses cluttering your Facebook
– is enough to give any woman the perception that she is the only one
her age not getting married. However,according to
the Bureau of Labor Statistics, singles now outnumber married adults in
America. In 2014, 50.2% of American adults were single, a record high.
Don't give in to the social media hype – peer pressure went out of style
in middle school.
6. Being married is more stable than just living together.
Just because someone isn't married doesn't mean they don't have successful, long-lasting relationships. In fact, as marriage becomes increasingly delayed, the number of cohabiting couples is on the rise. "About a quarter (24%) of never-married young adults ages 25 to 34 are living with a partner," according to Pew Research Center. Often, cohabiting relationships can endure in the long term, as couples can test the strength of their relationships and benefit from spending quality time at home with their partners. Getting a marriage certificate doesn't validate a relationship — love, mutual respect and commitment do.7. If you've slept with a lot of people, nobody will want to marry you.
The number of
sexual partners someone has before marriage has no implication on whether or
not they will make a good wife, obviously. Plus, gone are the days of the
virgin bride:According to the Guttermacher Institute,
by age 44, 99% of adults have had sex, and 95% did so before marriage.
Besides, if we're really judging people on their number of sex partners, you've
got to think something else is missing from the relationship.
8. Divorce = failure.
The stigma of divorce has remained for decades, with the "D word" being synonymous with failure. But marriage is only valuable as
long as it's healthy and happy. The belief that a "failed marriage" is a
total failure only does more to stigmatize those who make that healthy
choice.
Just because one marriage ended doesn't mean a
woman can't go on to have fulfilling relationships after. Four in 10
marriages involve some sort of remarriage.
9 The best way to celebrate marriage is a fancy wedding.
The average American wedding now costs $31,213. But the couples celebrating their nuptials in a public garden might have the right idea: Studies indicate that couples who spend less on their wedding have a lower risk of divorce. The same holds true for couples who get hitched sans the expensive diamond rings. Ultimately, weddings should be about the lifelong commitment to someone, not the party that legalizes it. Break out the PBR.
Written by Kate Hakala
Kate is a freelance writer and regular contributor to Mic. A former
editor of Nerve, her writing has also appeared in the The New York
Times, Playboy, Refinery29, Salon, and The Daily Dot. On most days she
is thinking of Louis C.K.
You can add her on twitter @explikateme
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