12 rules for being a good husband and keeping your wife happy

                             
There are lots of amusing articles out there about men, women and the gulfs between them. Both genders cast their eyes upwards and perhaps grin ruefully when they contemplate the mysteries and foolishness of the opposite sex. Sure, we're different and it does no harm to make light of this. But what about writing something more practical? Dating has been done to death, so how about that less fashionable thing: marriage. I can speak with some authority on this, having been happily married for several decades.
So, in no particular order, here are some rules for husbands, or how to keep your wife by keeping her happy year after year. I can't say I always use them or they always work, but I can say I do try and we're still very happily married.

1. Treat her like a lady

It may seem old fashioned, but unless she's a determined feminist, she'll like it when you do things like opening doors for her, helping her on with her coat, and pretty much always putting her first.
Women like to feel special. They want to know you respect them and would never hurt them. Being a gentleman is a good way to show this.

2. Surprise her

Randomly buy flowers, take her to a swanky restaurant, buy her a random present or otherwise treat her to something nice. It needn't be expensive, though an occasional splash will go a long way.
Surprise changes minds. It delights. It shows that the flame of romance is still burning. Surprise is, by definition, unexpected, so keep mixing it up and being creative.

3. Push the boat out

Now and again, do something expensive together. Push the boat out. Go to an expensive restaurant. Go on holiday to some exotic location. Buy her an expensive anniversary present.
Yes, you always need to manage the money, so save up for occasional such splurges. These can be done as surprises but often are fun to plan together. Initiate the process, then give her options and let her choose.

4. Make her laugh

Laughter comes from incongruous surprise. Tell jokes. Be funny. Clown around. When she thinks of you, she should smile inside. Playing the fool also says you trust her not to take advantage of your idiocy.
Fun may exists on the edge of acceptability, so be careful not to tread into dangerous waters (for example with gender jokes). It may mean taking risks so learn where her boundaries are and respect them.

5. Defend her

Women like to feel safe, and as the weaker sex easily feel more vulnerable than men. If somebody attacks her, verbally or otherwise, stand up for her. If necessary, put yourself at risk. She'll love you for your courage. If you seem willing to put yourself in harm's way for her, you must surely love her above all else.
This does not mean attacking every man who looks at her or jumping in with both feet when you hear part of a comment. Find out what's going on before sticking your neck out. Conversational interruptions can embarrass her. Aggression, even to others, can scare her. Listening then subtly defusing the situation can sometimes be best. Always remember your goal is her comfort, not to massage your own manliness.

6. Help out

If things need doing around the house, do them. If dishes need washing, wash them. If there are bits on the floor, pick them up. If a tap is dripping, fix it. In particular, watch for when she looks tired and offer to help out. Suggest that you cook, clean or just make a cup of coffee. Be tidy. Put things away rather than down.
Certainly, you may each take on different roles where you each attend to different chores, and do respect her preferences (some women, for example, like cooking and consider the kitchen their domain). Do not take helping to extreme. It is important to share the work and she may resent you if you do too much (or may just take you for granted). You goal is that she appreciates you, not wonders what you are up to.

7. Touch her

Maintain regular, affectionate physical contact. Touch her lightly on the shoulder as you go past. Come up behind her and hug her around the waist. Especial when she has been away, even for the day, welcome her back with a smile and a big hug.
Be careful in this to keep contact appropriate. If she sometimes seems not to want to be touched, back off. Sometimes women don't want physical contact or not in certain ways. Respect this. Your touch should make her feel good, not pawed.

8. Tell her you love her

Declare your love for her. Tell her this on cards and gifts or just in words, at random time of the day. Always remember Valentine's Day, your wedding anniversary and any other special dates.

9. Say she looks good Stop mid-tracks now and again, look at her and say something like 'Gosh, you look great'. Smile appreciatively when you look at her. Notice when she's dressed up and say that she looks great. Also say she looks good when she isn't spruced up. If she denies this, say something like 'You can't help always looking good.'
When she tries on a dress and asks your opinion, if you don't like it don't say she looks awful -- say you prefer another dress today or the shade isn't quite right. Beware of painting yourself into a corner by saying things like 'You look nice now' that imply she doesn't at other times.

10. Show your appreciation

Find other ways to show you appreciate her. An easy way is to smile and thank her when she does things for you. Say what a great wife she is. Tell her the best decision of your life was to marry her. Tell others she's brilliant (it will likely get back to her). Never criticize her to other people.
When she shows she appreciates you, show that you like this by saying things like 'That's very kind of you'. When you are both showing appreciation for the other on a regular basis, it a make a lot of difference all round.

11. Take her seriously

The most common indicator of impending divorce is contempt. The opposite is respect. Show her respect by listening to her concerns and treating these as being important, even if they they don't seem that big a deal to you. Don't just nod and hope she'll finish soon. Read between the lines and look for underlying concerns. Sometimes listening and appreciating is all she needs. At other times she wants help. When this is obvious, just do it. If you are not sure, ask.
This can be difficult when she is critical of you. Don't just react angrily or defensively. Stay open to the possibility that things you do aren't as effective as they could be. In many ways she is your customer. Think carefully and objectively about what is going on. Discuss alternatives and, if needed, change. She'll know this is a big deal for you (if not, explain how you feel) and will be very appreciative.

12. Be the calm one

Be the calm one, but not the cold one. When she gets upset, neither go up in the air with her, nor be clinical. Empathize with her emotion. Listen to her explanation, no matter how illogical it is. Then decide what to do. Often, all she needs is comfort.
Sometimes it helps to tell her everything will turn out ok. At other times some helpful suggestions work (though at other times they do not). Another approach is to take charge and sort out the problem yourself, though you may want to ask if she wants this. Finally cool logic can work, though it is often best left until she feels a bit calmer. 

Written by Stephany Cage
 www.changingminds.org