Recently my husband and I were talking to our engaged
friends about showing each other love through service. The husband-to-be said,
“I feel like you treat a lot of your friends better than you treat me. When
they come over, you’re willing to cook a full meal, run errands for them, or
listen to their long boring stories without missing a word. Honestly, I just
wish you would treat me as well as you treat your friends.”
His fiance sat in silence with a smirk on her face for a few
minutes and quietly whispered, “Well, that’s pretty embarrassing. I think
you’re right.” I loved observing this interaction from a young couple, but
thought to myself, I don’t have that issue.
A week later, I found myself awake until 1 A.M. picking up a
friend and dropping her car off at the mechanic, and then waking up at 4:45
A.M. the next morning to spend two hours in the car for an airport drop-off. I
was battling a cold, had a huge to-do list in front me, and for some reason I
said yes to being a before-the-sun-was-up chauffeur! As I was driving home, I
let out a big sigh as I thought about the errand my husband asked me run that
same day. Before I even had time to complain, I thought of the observation from
my friend, I just wish you would treat me as well as you treat your friends. I
laughed out loud as I thought about how God had shown me I’m guilty of the same
offense. I treat my friends better than I treat my husband. I was so willing to
bend over backwards to help a friend but was frustrated about running a simple
errand for Caleb.
Have you ever experienced this? Why is it easier to help
your friend, serve at the church, or even volunteer at a local shelter than it
is to serve your own spouse? The design of marriage is to love and serve each
other above everyone else! Honestly, this “aha moment” caused me to sit down
and ask God to show me how to make my husband more of a priority. Here are a
few practical steps the Lord has taught me on how to do just that.
Use Ink on the Calendar
With a lot of commitments for my job, church, friends, and
family, it’s easy for a week to go by without making time for my husband. Even
nights when we are home together, I find myself catching up on housework or
answering emails instead of spending time with Caleb.
My friend Noelle is a great example for me. She marks off
every Wednesday night on her calendar as date night. As an executive director
of a large nonprofit in Ohio, she always has things coming up or
responsibilities to take care of. However, Wednesday nights are non-negotiable
date nights, even if it’s just popcorn and a movie at home.
Instead of “penciling in” time my husband and I might have
together, I bought a big, fat marker just to make the statement that time together
is not negotiable.
Ask for Your Husband’s Permission
I am very independent. I love proving I can do things on my
own, figuring out complex problems, and successfully balancing my work/home
balance. When it comes to scheduling meetings or even traveling out of town,
I’ve always just made the decision and then let my husband know later. As God
has been challenging me about prioritizing time with my husband, he showed me
that I needed to start asking Caleb before I create my schedule. Yeah, I know.
The “independent Hannah” didn’t like it, but I’ve been amazed at the result of
seeking my husband’s permission.
In May it was my best friend’s birthday and I was planning a
weekend to go visit her. I had all the plans made and was texting her about all
the fun things we were going to do. Out of nowhere I thought, Oh, I should
probably tell Caleb about this. I ran downstairs and said “Caleb, I meant to
tell you that I have to cancel with your family. I’m going to see Megan this
weekend and I’ll be back home Sunday.” His confused look told me something was
not good. After a few minutes of frustrating conversation between the two of
us, my husband said, “Hannah, I just really wanted to spend time with you. I
feel like you haven’t been home and I need you.”
It was hard to tell my best friend I couldn’t come to see
her, but saying “yes” to Caleb inevitably means saying “no” to some good
things. If I continue to make decisions and plans that I want to make instead
of thinking what is best for our marriage, over the long haul I will tear down
our relationship. Have you ever considered viewing your schedule and plans as a
team—not just making decisions and telling your spouse about them later?
Check His Vital Signs
The great thing about cars is they usually tell you as soon
as something is wrong. Recently my “change your oil” light came on, and it was
a great reminder that I need to take care of that soon. In the same way, I am
learning to check the vital signs on my husband. There have been seasons in our
marriage when he has been doing very well, and it has allowed me to invest time
serving a hurting friend or spending extra hours volunteering. We have walked
through other times when Caleb was dealing with some tough things, and I knew I
needed to back away from other commitments so I could fully support him.
Two years ago Caleb lost his brother and mom very suddenly
within three months of each other. During that time, God showed me that
prioritizing my husband and his needs looked very different. I unplugged from
commitments that were important to me for several months so I could walk
through grief with my husband. Prioritizing your spouse looks different during
varying seasons of your marriage. Are you checking in to see how he is doing
and how he needs you?
Sometimes it’s easy to put my marriage on autopilot, but
intimacy in marriage never stands still. If I’m too busy saying yes to everyone
else, I may find that I have drifted away from the most important person in my
life.
Written by Hannah Nitz
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