Even in the strongest of relationships, there will be times
when small irritations can cause mountains to grow out of molehills, so it’s
important to keep striving for better communication.
As the essence of relationships, communication has a great
impact on every aspect of life. Yet the channels of communication can sometimes
become blocked, even among people who care deeply for each other. It’s often
difficult to put our feelings into words or concentrate fully when our partner speaks.
Unhelpful silences or verbal attacks can arise and drive us further apart.
Common barriers to communication include: threatening or
unpleasant behavior such as criticism and bossiness; only hearing what we want
to hear; getting bored or distracted; and not expressing our point clearly.
Fortunately, working on our communication skills helps us to break through this
sort of impasse. So follow these tried and tested tips to stop you reaching for
the expletives and reach an understanding instead.
No matter what else is going on, try to make time for your
partner on a day-to-day basis. Good communication is about deepening your
understanding of each other, not simply avoiding arguments. Easier said than
done, of course, but making time to talk is worth the effort. All being well,
these occasions will be enjoyable and bring great rewards, so make a dinner
date, share a bath or go for a walk together and let the conversation flow.
Secondly, remember the importance of intimate, non-sexual
contact. Hugs and kisses are the glue which holds a relationship together, and
consider activities such as sport to reconnect non-verbally. Psychologists
believe the vast majority of communication takes place without words through
body language.
Do you believe you know everything there is to know about
your partner? It may be worth checking this out by asking them questions to
reveal more about themselves. To deepen the communication and understanding
between you, try talking about the times when you feel happiest or your hopes
and dreams for the future. Don’t assume that your partner feels the same way
you do.
This could bring up relationship ‘hot spots’ – work, money,
childcare – which can then be dealt with openly. Experts suggest setting up
reciprocal arrangements in which you both agree to take on an equal number of
tasks and chores.
If you find yourself slipping into an argument, there are
many ways to keep the row healthy. Most importantly, own your emotions by using
“I” statements. For example, rather than “You make me angry,” or “This is all
your fault,” try saying, “I feel concerned/upset…”. This keeps things calmer
and makes it easier to compromise, as your partner will not become so
defensive. Then keep to the point rather than slipping into attack and counter-attack,
or emotional withdrawal.
But talking this way is only possible if you are aware of
your own feelings. For this, you must recognize them, be accepting of them, and
able to express them. We each have our own way of dealing with conflicts – your
style may be to avoid the issue, give in, or blame the other person. Being
aware of your style and that of your partner will help you resolve the
situation.
In the heat of the moment, try to stay calm and accentuate
the positive. See the other’s point of view while showing respect, and then
look for a compromise that you can both accept. Listen carefully, give empathy
and positive responses, and overlook the insults. Respond to criticism as
useful information, if at all possible! Remember, the objective is not to stop
every argument but to stop the escalating bitterness.
If either partner gets beyond the point of being civil and
rational, ask for a “time-out” to calm down. But be sure to agree on continuing
the discussion when you have had time to think about it.
Bear in mind that one of the secrets of happy couples is
learning to tolerate or accept the other person’s faults. So-called “perfect
relationships” do not exist, therefore small faults need to be accepted.
Couples counseling encourages reaching an acceptance of one another through
compassion and empathy, so you both come to truly understand the other person
and become able to share your own feelings in depth. Then you can see the
underlying reasons for their criticism or silence, perhaps they are really
feeling unloved, rejected or hurt.
Having awareness of these techniques and skills is only half
the battle – you need to develop them through practice until they become second
nature. It will be an effort to change long-standing habits, but improving communication
in your relationship is worth doing, as poor communication is one of the top
causes of unhappy relationships.
Written By Jane Collingwood
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