More than anything, your husband needs to know that you’re on his
side, that you’re not against him. You need to communicate, more than
you probably think necessary, that you accept him and love him, even
though you may not be satisfied with some of his behaviors or responses.
Separate the actions from the man; affirm the man. His search for peace
may begin sooner if he knows that you’re satisfied with him and willing
to walk through the steps of healing.
Be His Friend, Not His Mother:Trudy and Phil have been married nine years, and they both work
full-time. Phil’s high stress job in the intensely competitive computer
industry requires a lot of overtime. Trudy spends many evenings just
trying to help Phil feel better about himself and his job. She fixes him
a nice dinner, draws him a hot bath, cleans up the kitchen while he
relaxes, then listens to him complain about work until bedtime. She
irons his shirt, picks out a matching tie and socks, and makes his
breakfast. If he doesn’t leave for work on time, she calls his secretary
to tell her he’ll be late.Trudy is trailing after him like a mother. He
doesn’t need a mother; he needs a friend who’ll treat him, and insist
on being treated by him, as an equal. He needs a friend who’ll gladly
share life’s responsibilities with him but not live his life for him,
someone who’ll encourage him in his problem solving but not solve all of
his problems for him. If you find yourself playing a mothering role to
the man in your life, he will never fully deal with the causes and
crisis of his anger. The scared little boy will whine and fuss until you
make it all better. You can transition from mother to friend in his
life by lovingly placing in his hands those responsibilities and
problems that he should deal with.
Appreciate Him; Don’t Nag Him:It’s estimated that upwards of 90 percent of men today are unhappy
and angry in their jobs to some degree. Most of them feel fortunate to
be working, but they often languish in their dead-end jobs, feeling less
that fully masculine because they’re not in control of their own
lives.It’s likely that a significant portion of your man’s anger springs
from a sense of lack of control in his work. Nagging him to buck for
promotions or beg for raises may only intensify his anger. Bugging him
for a bigger house or newer car will only deepen his frustration that he
has no more control at home than he has on the job. But if you become a
wellspring of appreciation for the work that he does and the living he
provides, you will lift some of the pressure from his life. Find many
ways to say, “I appreciate that you work hard at your job and that you
hang in there even when it’s frustrating and tough. I couldn’t love you
more if you owned the whole company.”
Affirm Him; Don’t Criticize Him:Some men aren’t only upset because they must work for someone else
but because of the kind of work they must do. James is a college-trained
engineer who can’t find a job in his chosen field. So he resorted to
the management-training program for a fast-food chain. The job helps pay
the bills, but James is embarrassed about being the crew chief in an
assembly-line taco stand. He hasn’t stopped looking for an engineering
position, but he’s afraid that he’s trapped in what he considers a
menial, degrading job.LaVonne, James’s wife, is a breath of fresh air.
She continues to affirm him as a talented and useful employee.”You’re an
excellent engineer, Honey,” she tells him. “The world just hasn’t
discovered you yet. You’re too good and well trained to be overlooked
for long. In the meantime, the taco place is lucky to have you. You’re
such a competent, conscientious manager.”If your man is struggling with
being locked into a job that’s distasteful to him, you can ease his
struggle by affirming him for who he is and what he does. Compliment him
for the character qualities he exercises (or needs to exercise) in his
job: patience, perseverance, determination, creativity, etc. In
everything you say and do, let him know that he’s the best taco maker
(or pump jockey, accountant, construction worker, sanitation engineer,
etc.) in the world. Appreciate him for the effort
Give Him Space; Don’t Crowd Him:Most of us don’t like to be pushed, especially men. It’s an affront
to their struggling masculinity and only serves to exacerbate their
anger. They feel intimidated because their wives can’t accept them the
way they are. They feel inferior in comparison to the ideal man their
wives are badgering them to become. Once again they are not in control
of their lives.Give your husband plenty of room. Show him that you’re
concerned about him and that you love him. Let him know that you’re
available to listen to him and talk to him. Then back off to pray and
wait. Trust God to work for your man’s good in the situation. Allow him
to use “the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit” (1 Peter 3:4)
in you to encourage and help him.As you pray, it’s important to pray for
your husband’s heart, that it will open to all that he needs to
understand in order to bring his anger back within healthy boundaries.
Pushing your man to solve his anger may cause him to make some cursory
changes to get you off his back. But pressure from you isn’t likely to
produce a lasting solution. When you step back and give God room to
work, the changes may be significant and enduring.
Give Him Time; Don’t Rush Him:We live in an age of instant gratification. We can travel thousands
of miles in hours; we can transact business in seconds with our
high-speed computers, cell phones, and cable shopping channels. We hate
to wait. This subconscious urgency we all share for fast results may get
in the way, however, when it comes to the process of helping a man
defuse his anger. Change doesn’t take place overnight. It may take your
husband weeks, months, or years to fully heal from the causes and
results of anger in his life.
Hold Him Responsible; Don’t Be Co-dependent:Eddie’s anger got him into trouble at work on a number of occasions.
He verbally popped off to his boss by contradicting his orders and
undermined his leadership by bad-mouthing him to other employees. When
he was put on probation, his wife secretly went to see his boss, “I’m
sorry for Eddie’s displays of anger,” she said. “It’s really my fault. I
haven’t been the best wife I can be, and the kids have been on his
nerves lately. If you’ll just forgive him, I’ll try to turn things
around at home so this won’t happen again.” Eddie’s boss was sympathetic
and rescinded the probation.Again Eddie’s expression of anger pushed
the wrong buttons at work, and he was placed on probation for a second
time. His wife pleaded with his boss to give him a second chance, which
he refused to do. Within days Eddie’s angry words cost him his job.If
your husband’s anger gets him into trouble in any way, you are not
responsible to cover for him or take the rap for him. Doing so only
allows the problem to continue; it never stops the problem. Only when we
allow someone to face the consequences of his behavior will he begin to
see that he’s responsible for making changes in the way he behaves.
Give to Him; Don’t Withhold from Him:If your husband is in the process of dealing with expressions of
anger that have been hurtful to you in some way, you may be tempted to
say something like, “Once you get your act together, then I’ll start
being the wife I should be.” You may feel like withholding affection or
sex from him until he deserves it. You may feel like asking him to move
out until he has better control of his temper or habits. Or he may have
troubled you so much that you’re ready to give up.While there are a few
occasions when a temporary separation may be necessary (such as when his
uncontrolled rage is endangering you or the children), you can probably
be more helpful to your man’s healing by staying with him. Love,
forgiveness, and acceptance are qualities to be given freely, not to be
held hostage for ransom. He needs your friendship, not your judgment.
God will use your openness, kindness, and willingness to go the second
mile to aid in his healing.Please pray and talk your spouse about
joining our group on Anger at our next New Life Weekend.
Written by Stephen Arterburn
Stephen “Steve” Arterburn is an author, speaker, counselor, radio talk-show host of New Life Live, host of New Life TV, and founder of New Life Ministries and Women of Faith. He co-wrote Every Man’s Battle: Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time with Fred Stoeker, as well as several other publications.
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