5 Faces of Toxic Relationships

                               

As humans, we can read all the brilliant self-help books and possess wisdom about relationships, yet so many of us still are hindered by toxicity. We are often scared to speak up to those who produce toxic vibes and are even more fearful of leaving a romantic relationship, a friendship or a job due to toxicity.

Toxicity presents itself in all different forms and some of the worst come from individuals who appear shiny and nice. Shiny and nice on the outside can be an illusion, as things aren’t always as they appear and neither are people. The five faces of toxic relationships are common personality traits that are prevalent in abusive relationships but may be hidden behind a successful and superficially kind person.

Hitting close to home

Relationship toxicity is something my co-contributor, Kristen Fuller, M.D., experienced firsthand, which resulted in her passion for communicating about the topic. She writes: “I myself had all the tools to avoid a toxic relationship, but I entered into an emotionally and mentally toxic relationship with someone who seemed like he had everything: a great family, prestigious education, a successful career and apparently a kind personality. I quickly realized this was all a facade and learned how deep toxicity runs and why it is so hard to escape emotional and mental torture when someone looks so ‘perfect’ on the outside.

“As the saying goes, ‘Beauty is only skin deep.’ I learned the importance of recognizing toxic relationships and friendships and how to navigate these types of relationships. I have learned to cut out the bad people in my life and treasure those who bring positivity. In the end, I have become a stronger person in all capacities, even though it took being dragged through what seemed like endless amounts of darkness.”

Whether it is cutting ties to a friendship, a romantic relationship, a family member or a work relationship, most of us can relate to the feelings of drowning because of a toxic individual. Of course, there are many more than five faces of toxic relationships, but these seem to be fairly common. All of these faces can overlap, and two or more may occur simultaneously. Think of this as the original Greek theater, where actors walked on stage with various masks.

The Critic

Have you ever been in a relationship where you feel judged and criticized no matter what you do? Criticism is different than giving advice, and it is important to understand the difference. For example, let’s look at a case of tardiness. Tardiness is by no means a good trait to have. It can hinder your professional and personal relationships, and the majority of individuals find it to be a bad characteristic. However, each individual has personal kinks to work out, and we all make mistakes.

Scenario #1: You arrive 15 minutes late to dinner without giving your significant other any warning. Your significant other is visibly angry and, instead of asking why you were late or what happened, he or she automatically begins insulting you. “You are always late and never have any consideration for anyone except yourself. I have been sitting here for 15 minutes waiting for you, and no matter what, you cannot seem to ever show up on time.”

This is the perfect example of criticism and, more often than not, this person criticizes your every move: “You are going to wear that?” “Why don’t you ever … ?” “What is wrong with you?” and the list goes on. You feel belittled and that you can never do anything right no matter how hard you try.

Scenario #2: You arrive 15 minutes late to dinner without giving your significant other any warning. Your significant other is visibly angry, but instead of lashing out in criticism, he or she inquires about this pattern. “I realized you are late quite often. Is there a reason, or has anyone else ever noticed this trend?” This is an example of when one individual is trying to inquire why this maladaptive pattern is occurring. Instead of blaming the actual person, he or she may blame the action.

A Critic can bring a lot of toxicity into a relationship. Critics may never call you insulting names, but they may constantly insult your beliefs, your appearance and your thoughts, often because they have low self-esteem and want to be in control. Instead of trying to make suggestions to improve some of your bad habits, they find every excuse to berate these habits and hinder you as a person.

The Critic criticizes the person instead of the behavior. The most deleterious experience a person can have is when a parent says, “You’re a bad boy or girl,” instead of saying, “You did a bad thing.”

The Passive Aggressor

We all may know people who are passive-aggressive, and this is one of the most toxic characteristics, as you never know what message that person is trying to convey. You may always feel you are walking on eggshells. Denial of feelings, sarcasm and backhanded compliments are sure ways to tell that someone is passive-aggressive.

Scenario: You did something to upset your partner, but you are unsure of what exactly you did. You ask why he or she is angry and inquire for insight as to what you have done so you can prevent upsetting your partner in the future. However, your partner will not tell you why he or she is mad and instead replies, “I am fine” or “I am not mad,” even though he or she appears to be withdrawing from you. This can cause your brain to run in circles trying to figure out what this person is thinking and why he or she keeps sending these “hidden messages.” You may spend countless hours trying to read the person’s mind and backtrack over your every move or word.

If a person cannot communicate in a straightforward manner and uses sarcasm as a defense mechanism, sends mixed messages or acts like nothing is wrong regardless of exhibiting angry emotions, you might be dealing with a Passive Aggressor.

Passive-aggression is the passive expression of anger. Common examples include repeatedly keeping you waiting or making you late for an appointment.   

The Narcissist

The Narcissist acts like he or she is God’s gift to the universe, knows everything, is the best at everything and is not afraid to tell you. No matter how smart or experienced you are, you can never measure up to this person. Like passive-aggressiveness, narcissism is considered a personality disorder and is toxic. A Narcissist places himself or herself on a pedestal and looks down at you. You may feel you are constantly competing with this person in every circumstance. Narcissists are often unwilling to compromise, lack insight and empathy, and want to be the center of attention. They may make it a point to ruin special occasions, such as your birthday or a milestone in your professional career, as they constantly need praise in every situation, even when it is your time to shine.

The tale of Narcissus from ancient Greek and Roman mythology helps us understand narcissistic characteristics. When Narcissus looked in the water and saw a beautiful flower instead of himself, he was surprised. The Narcissist actually hates himself or herself. Narcissists have very thin skin that is easily pricked or gotten under, which releases rage and hate since their actual self-esteem is marginal. Narcissists are willing to destroy everything and everyone around them when they are feeling hurt or rejected, which would be a frightening thing to witness in the political arena.

The Stone Waller

Many people may have heard of a Stone Waller, a person who refuses to engage in conversation or share feelings when issues come up. Stone walling refers to the act of refusing communication to evade the issue. This often makes the other person feel insignificant and unworthy of honest communication. The Stone Waller may come off as cold and refuse to admit there is a problem. Refusing to communicate creates negative feelings and barriers to furthering a successful relationship in the future. Additionally, it can cause you to harbor feelings of resentment and guilt. If you are trying to communicate with a person you know well and he or she refuses to be honest and open with you, then you may want to reconsider why you are involved in that relationship in the first place.

By not responding to your question, the Stone Waller’s noncommunication makes you frustrated and even angry, since this person won’t engage in the expected interpersonal discourse. This tactic might be useful in a political debate. Stone walling behavior has qualities similar to passive-aggressive behavior.

The Antisocial Personality

Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD) as defined in the DSM-5 includes the traits of a sociopath (thought to result from social conditions such as childhood abuse, characterized by explosive and sometimes violent behavior, but presumed to possess the capacity for empathy and remorse) and a psychopath who allegedly feels no remorse or empathy, takes advantage of others legally, and is often involved in fraud or other white collar crimes with varying motivations including greed and revenge. The etiology of psychopathic behavior is thought to be genetic and/or congenital.

We all have tendencies for various personality traits, which may be why the general public can be seduced since we see ourselves, at least in part, in ASPD behavior. We also forgive and even welcome people with ASPD as we have forgiven and welcomed ourselves (a Judeo/Christian and some other religions’ tenet). However, psychopaths are psychological chameleons who act the required emotional part to manipulate each situation and others for money, sex, power, ego gratification, etc. They are usually so skilled (including lying) that their victims are unaware of what is happening. This psychologically predatory behavior can only be prevented by skillful inquiry into the history of pain and suffering they have left behind. Not surprisingly, most people don’t even believe this and discount the evidence until it is too late. The psychopath’s “love” is mainly concern for control, adulation and power, which are hidden under the cover of their book.

Time for reflection

If you are in a relationship with a person who possesses any of these personality traits, it may be wise to invest time reflecting on how you feel around this person. That’s what Kristen did, and she gained tremendous insight into human relationships.

 Written by Ralph Ryback

Ralph Ryback, M.D., has taught at many institutions including Harvard Medical School and is also a psychiatrist with Sovereign Health Group. Receiving his M.D. from Wayne State School of Medicine and completing his residency at Boston City Hospital, Dr. Ryback brings over half a century of psychiatric experience to Sovereign Health. Serving past appointments as a director for addiction treatment facilities and hospitals, he has also had posts as a medical officer for National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism-funded projects, developing a statistical “finger-print” approach to identifying alcoholism in individuals as well. Founder of the Appleton Treatment Center, the first drug and alcohol abuse program at Harvard Hospitals as well as Operation Redirect, a program designed for adolescents with behavioral issues, Dr. Ryback holds a patent for limbic system dysrhythmia.