The major goal of this article in this blog is to help parents, singles,
siblings, relatives, friends, educators and clergy understand the serious risks
of cohabitation to the happiness and psychological health of loved ones
thinking considering or being in such unions and the reasons for entering such
short-term, unfulfilling unions. Also, the very serious risks to children born
into such unions is also presented.
Most singles, their parents and siblings are unaware of the
extensive literature on the dangers of cohabitation. In fact, cohabitation presents a serious
threat to the psychological health of those in these short term unions. Those in them have far greater likelihood of
having depressive illness and have a diminished likelihood of later marital
stability and happiness.
Parents, singles, siblings, relatives, friends, educators
and clergy have a serious responsibility to understand and to communicate the
serious risks that are associated with cohabitating relationships which usually
last only several years.. Too often they enable these unions by their silence.
Family Instability
Family instability is on the rise for American children as a
whole. This is mainly because more couples are having children in cohabiting
unions, which are very unstable. A 2011 report indicated that children in
cohabiting households are more likely to suffer from a range of emotional and
social problems—drug use, depression, and dropping out of high school—compared
to children in intact, married families," (Why Marriage Matters, 2011).
In the U.S., cohabitation, not divorce, now poses the
biggest challenge to marriage. In 1960: 500,000 couples cohabitated and in 2010
7,529,000 couples cohabitated. More than 60% of marriages are now preceded by
cohabitation (Wilcox et al. 2011.)
2013 Study of Cohabiting Unions
A 2013 report on cohabitation from the National Center for
Health Statistics was based on in-person interviews conducted between 2006 and
2010 with 12, 279 women, ages 15-44. It demonstrated:
- as a first union, 48% of women cohabited with their male
partner, up from 43% in 2002 and 34% in 1995;
- 22 months was the median duration of first cohabitation,
up from 20 months in 2002 and 13 months in 1995;
-19% of women became pregnant and gave birth in the first
year of a first premarital cohabitation and
- 70% of women without a high school diploma cohabited as a
first union, compared with 47% of those with a bachelor's degree or higher.
Roughly 40 percent of children now spend time in a
cohabiting household. Twenty-one percent of children are born into cohabiting
unions.
The Causes of Cohabitation
Blessed John Paul II wrote in The Role of the Christian
Family in the Modern World, “It will be very useful to investigate the causes
of this phenomenon, including its psychological and sociological aspect, in
order to find the proper remedy”, n. 80.
In our clinical experience over the past 40 years, the
common reasons for cohabitation in our clinical experience are:
selfishness
permissive
parenting with a failure to teach the Church’s truth about sexuality and
marriage
the failure of
parents and Catholic educators in regard to long term preparation for marriage
the fear of
marriage, commitment and later divorce
the loss of faith
associated with a weakening of masculinity
the fear of
divorce and total commitment,
the failure to
understand Catholic marriage as a complete gift of oneself to a spouse and God
a lack of faith
and trust in God
economic fears and
insecurity
anger against the
Church’s teaching on sexuality and marriage
rejection of the
traditional view of marriage in favor of the psychological selfish view.
The contraceptive/divorce revolution has undercut the
younger generation’s faith in marriage: About 37% of young adults say “marriage
has not worked out for most people they know,” (Wilcox 2010). The
contraceptive/divorce revolution’s bitter fruit is the cohabitation epidemic.
Many Catholic educators have enabled the divorce and
contraceptive epidemics by either failing to teach the Church's truth about
sexual morality or by deliberately attempting to undermine it in students.
Blessed John Paul II wrote about cohabitation “At the root
of these negative phenomena there frequently lies a corruption of the idea and
the experience of freedom, conceived not as a capacity for realizing the truth
of God's plan for marriage and the family, but as an autonomous power of
self-affirmation, often against others, for one's own selfish well-being, The
Role of the Christian Family in the Modern World, n.6.
The Harmful Effects of Cohabitation on Relationships
A 1992 study of
3,300 cases found that coupled who cohabited prior to marriage have a risk for
divorce that is about 46% higher than for non-cohabiters (Journal of Marriage
and the family: February 1992).
Annual rates of
depression among cohabiting couples are more than three times what they are
among married couples (Journal of Health and Social Behavior: September 2000).
Women cohabiting
relationships are more likely to suffer physical and sexual abuse than married women
(National Marriage Project, Rutgers University: 2002).
The more months of
exposure to cohabitation, the less enthusiastic couples are about marriage and
childbearing (Journal of Marriage & Family: 59, 1997).
Cohabiting couples
report lower levels of happiness, lower levels of sexual exclusivity and
satisfaction, and poorer relationships with their parents (Journal of Family
Issues: January 1995).
Cohabiters tend to
not have an ethic of commitment that is as strong as non-cohabiters. This could explain the high rates of divorce
among couples that cohabited prior to marriage (Journal of Marriage and the
Family: August 1997).
Cohabiting unions
tend to weaken the institution of marriage and pose special risks to children
(Just Living Together: Implications of Cohabitation on Families, Children and
Social Policy. New Jersey, Lawrence
Erlbaum Associates: 2002).
By 2000, the total
number of unmarried couples in America was almost 4.75 million, up from less
than half a million in 1960 (U.S. Census Bureau: 2001).
Cohabitation
increases acceptance of divorce among young people (Journal of Marriage &
Family: 59).
Cohabitation can
contribute to selfishness and later a lack of openness to children.
Respondents who
cohabited after divorce or cohabited with their partner in a subsequent
marriage reported, on average, lower levels of happiness in the remarriage than
remarried respondents who did not cohabit at after the initial divorce (Journal
of Marriage and Family: Vol. 68, Number 2. May, 2006).
Compared with
peers who had not cohabited prior to marriage, individuals who had cohabited
reported higher levels of depression and the level of depression also rose with
the length of cohabitation. (Alabama Policy Institute: August 2006).
The longer couples
cohabited before marrying, the more likely they were to resort to heated
arguments, hitting, and throwing objects when conflicts arose in their
subsequent marriage. A longer length of cohabitation was linked to a greater
frequency of heated arguments, even when controlling for spouses' age. (Alabama
Policy Institute: August, 2006)
Women in
cohabiting relationships are nine times more likely to be killed by their
partner than were married women. Within cohabiting relationships, middle-aged
women were at greatest risk of being killed. (Shackelford, T.K. & Mouzos,
J., 2005. Partner Killing by Men in Cohabiting and Marital Relationships: A
Comparative, Cross-National Analysis of Data from Australia and the United
States. Journal of Interpersonal
Violence, Vol.30, number 10, 1310-1324.)
The Harmful Effects of Cohabitation on Children
A report in 2010
on child abuse by the Department of Health and Human Service that found that
children living with two married biological parents had the lowest rates of
harm, 6.8 per 1,000 children, while children living with one parent who had an
unmarried partner in the house had the highest incidence, at 57.2 per 1,000
children. Children living in cohabiting households are 8 times more likely to be
harmed than children living with married biological parents. (Abuse,
Neglect, Adoption and Foster Care
Research, National Incidence Study of Child Abuse and Neglect, NIS-4,
2004-2009, March 2010, Office of Planning, Research and Evaluation.)
Children born to
cohabiting versus married parents have over five times the risk of experiencing
their parents' separation, showing an exponential increase in relationship
failure for couples currently or ever cohabiting. (Smock P, 2010)
In 2000, 41% of
all unmarried-couple households included a child under the age of 18. This is up from only 21% in 1987 (U.S. Census
Bureau: March 2000).
One of the major
risks to children in cohabiting households is the high rate of breakup. This leads to many personal and social
difficulties for children as they face the loss of the security found in home
life children (Just Living Together: Implications of Cohabitation on Families,
Children and Social Policy. New Jersey,
Lawrence Erlbaum Associates: 2002).
Several studies
have shown that children living with their mother and her unmarried partner
have more behavior problems and lower academic performance than children in
intact families. (Social Forces 73-1: 1994).
Fully three
quarters of children born in cohabiting parents will see their parents split up
before they reach age 16. Only one third
of children born to married parents will face a similar fate (National Marriage
Project, Rutgers University: 2002).
Child abuse is a
major problem in cohabiting households.
The number of reported abuse has been steadily rising over the past ten
years (National Marriage Project, Rutgers University: 2002).
Evidence
demonstrates that the most unsafe family environment for children is one in
which the mother lives with a boyfriend. (The Heritage Foundation, Washington,
DC: 1997).
Among children who
did not live in a consistently intact family through age 12, those whose
mothers cohabited at some time experienced a higher level of family
instability, measured by the number of transitions in household structure, than
those whose mothers had not cohabited, 2.6 vs. 1.4 for white children, and 2.0
vs. 0.7 for Black children, (Journal of Marriage and Family: Vol. 66, February,
2004).
Anne-Marie Ambert,
the author of a study that reviewed hundreds of research papers that examined
the social, emotional and financial effects of cohabitation and marriage on women,
men, children and society, concluded that cohabitation is inherently unstable
and carries a high cost on children's physical and psychological development.
Ambert noted,
"Commitment and stability are at the core of children's needs; yet, in a
great proportion of cohabitations, these two requirements are absent."
(Vanier Institute of Family, "Cohabitation and Marriage: How Are They
Related?, 2005)
In a study of 149
inflicted-injury deaths during the 8-year study period children residing in
households with unrelated adults were nearly 50 times as likely to die of
inflicted injuries than children residing with 2 biological parents (adjusted
odds ratio: 47.6; 95% confidence interval: 10.4-218). Children in households
with a single parent and no other adults in residence had no increased risk of
inflicted-injury death, Schnizter, PG, Child deaths resulting from inflicted
injuries: household risk factors and perpetrator characteristics. (Pediatrics.
2005, Nov;116 :687-93)
Hopefully, parents of young adults who are considering
cohabitation, as well as other family members, friends, educators and clergy,
can grow in confidence to share with these dangers posed by cohabitation.
Faith Reflections on Cohabitation
John Paul II addressed the Church's teaching about
cohabitation in The Role of the Christian Family in the Modern World, described
as the Magna Carta for Catholic families. He wrote:
"The Church,
for her part, cannot admit such a kind of union, for further and original
reasons which derive from faith. For, in
the first place, the gift of the body in the sexual relationship is a real
symbol of the giving of the whole person: such a giving, moreover, in the
present state of things cannot take place with full truth without the concourse
of the love of charity, given by Christ.
In the second place, marriage between two baptized persons is a real
symbol of the union of Christ and the Church, which is not a temporary or
“trial union but one which is eternally faithful. Therefore, between two baptized persons there
can exist only an indissoluble marriage," Familiaris Consortio, n. 80.
Pope Benedict commented on the importance of strong
marriages,
"The family
is the nucleus in which a person first learns human love and responsibility,
generosity and fraternal concern. Strong
families are build on the foundation of strong marriages. Strong societies are
built on the foundation of strong families." Pope Benedict XVI, September 14, 2007.
Written by Richard P. Fitzgibbons
Dr. Fitzgibbons has made a contribution to this blog by writing for the young at heart and those who are about to get married.He has been involved in a seminal paper in 1986 on the cognitive and emotive uses of
forgiveness in psychotherapy and by later coauthoring a textbook on
treating the excessive anger in psychiatric disorders in adults and
children with forgiveness therapy with his colleague, Dr. Robert Enright
of the University of Wisconsin, Madison, for American Psychological
Association Books, Helping Clients Forgive: An Empirical Guide for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hope(2000). This textbook was the second offering in the Spring 2000 catalogue of American Psychological Association Books. 
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