The husband
wants sex, but the wife resists. The wife can't understand why husband hasn't
asked for sex in some time.
The wife
feel pressured to give husband sex any time he asks. Both husband and wife
wonder if some activity they want to try would be dishonoring to God. Either
husband or wife or both struggle to put their sexual past behind them. Husband
and/or wife use the Bible to bolster their hardened position or wrestle with a
great disconnect between their sexual passions and their faith.
Does any of
this reflect what's going on in your marriage? What is a healthy sexual relationship
for a Christian, anyway?
If the
gospel doesn't have an answer for sex, then how can it be good for much else?
Sex and sexuality are a huge part of our human experience. God created sex—male
and female (See Gen. 1:27). Misused, distorted or ungodly sexuality has
destroyed countless lives, broken many hearts and ended many promising
ministries.
Research by
the Barna group indicates that Americans—and American Christians—vary greatly
in what they believe about sex, what they view as the purpose of sex and what
sexual behaviors they consider permissible and healthy. The "just say
no" message most Christians have heard about sex outside of marriage
contrasts sharply with the 21st-century sexualized culture most of us get
bombarded with every day. Throw in hormones (for men and women), and it's no
wonder Christians often struggle in this area.
I'm going to
begin with the premise that God created sex to be enjoyed between one man and
one woman in a committed marriage. The debate behind that premise is for
another day. But understanding what that relationship is designed to be can
help answer many questions. So here are some thoughts on what it looks like.
A Healthy
Sexual Relationship is:
Unselfish.
Healthy sexuality is more about giving than it is about getting. Husband and
wife focus most on satisfying each other's needs rather than on fulfilling
their own desires. If both partners are focused on each other, most challenges
can be overcome. How, when, where, how often, what to do—most of those questions
are answered by moving in the direction of what your spouse wants.
Honest.
Husband and wife may see the "how, when, where, how often" types of
questions differently, but they both honestly yet kindly express their desires,
fears, frustrations and more. Although both generally move toward meeting each
other's needs, neither feels forced to engage in sex that would make them feel
resentful toward the other.
Seasonal.
Not in the sense of sometimes on/sometimes off, but in the sense of different
seasons of life and of marriage carry different implications for intimacy. Not
every sexual encounter will lead to the same level of excitement or
satisfaction. The most important aspects of sex will vary during different
seasons of marriage.
A big deal.
Instead of being "just sex," that kind of intimacy between husband
and wife really is a big deal. It's treated as a valuable and precious gift
worth guarding, worth working on, worth improving, worth making a priority,
worth investing in, worth praying about. It's not neglected as an afterthought.
Regularly
irregular. Sex may vary from often to occasional, from exciting to comfortable,
from satisfying to frustrating, based on physical health, life stresses or
other factors. In a healthy relationship, husband and wife are committed to
coming together physically and reconnect in this way frequently and freely but
not legalistically.
Exclusive.
Husband and wife look only to each other for the fulfillment of their sexual
desires and needs. Sexual intimacy with any other person is of course outside
the bounds of healthy sexuality, but so is pornography, emotional intimacy and
the like.
Safe and
Healing. Not in the sense of boring, but in the sense of being vulnerable
without being hurt. Sex or withholding of sex is not used to punish, control or
wound. To be completely seen and known and still be loved and accepted is a
wonderfully healing experience—from specific wounds in the past and from our
common human weaknesses.
Imperfectly
perfect. Every marriage is the union of two imperfect people, and so is their
sexual relationship. As with every other aspect of marriage, you will almost
certainly hurt your spouse and be hurt by them. A healthy sexual relationship
provides for honest forgiveness and continual improvement.
More than
physical. The act of intercourse is simply the physical aspect of what is a
well-rounded intimacy. In a sense, it's never "just sex." That
complete intimacy includes friendship, forgiveness, emotional bonding, mutual
understanding and spiritual connection. Complete marital sexuality, at its
best, includes all the above.
There are
plenty of Christian marriages where sex does not meet those ideals, but that
doesn't mean it's impossible.
If you're
experiencing a great sexual relationship with your spouse, celebrate! God is
pleased.
If you're
married and not experiencing a great sexual relationship, don't give up. Sometimes
working on the sex is the most important; at other times, working on other
aspects of your marriage will result in improvements with intimacy.
If you're
not married right now, don't give up, either. Fear, guilt, desperation or other
negative messages may make you want to settle for something less. I encourage
you to hold out for the best.
There are no
"10 steps to a guaranteed awesome sexual relationship." A healthy
sexual relationship for a Christian couple is a matter of growth, commitment
and God's grace. It takes effort, and it's worth working for.
Question:
What do you think are the characteristics of a healthy sexual relationship for
a Christian marriage? Are there any I haven't listed? Please leave a comment
below.
Written by Dr. Carol
Peters-Tanksley
Dr. Carol
Peters-Tanksley is both a board-certified OB-GYN physician and an ordained
doctor of ministry. As an author and speaker, she loves helping people discover
the Fully Alive kind of life Jesus came to bring us. Visit her website at
drcarolministries.com.
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